March 16, 2006
So Fast, So Furious
The Look Of A Content Man. With A Fast Car.
My car is amazing. I drive an aqua blue Opel with my name – Shaun Danger Granite Iron Steel Oakes – emblazoned boldly on the side doors.
I have 30 inch Hockenheim rims and a powerful engine under the hood. (what we cool kids call the bonnet)
Fire, pyrotechnics and intelligent lighting are regularly emitted from the exhaust when I accelerate. It’s really weird. I don’t know why it does that, but I like it nonetheless.
It’s without a doubt the fastest car in Cape Town.
People are always trying to dice (race) with me in the street. The other day I was bored so I decided to drive to Durban and spend the day there. I pulled out of Gardens Engen at about 10am and arrived in Durban just before noon.
That’s how fast I drive.
Anyhoo, on the way through at a traffic light, a silly chop (chap) in a Z3 pulls up and starts revving his car, urging me to take him to driving school and humiliate him in front of his tartish-looking girlfriend. “Take me to driving school and humiliate me in front of my tartish-looking girlfriend” I clearly heard him say.
Naturally, I decided to smoke him.
My car must have been having an off-day though because he somehow managed to squeeze past me on the highway. He was a bald, ruggedly unattractive guy and I could see him laughing as he eased past me. He wasn’t laughing after I ran him off the road though.
Take that you bald bastard with a tartish-looking girlfriend. No one beats me. No one.
I’m very protective over my car. I had an argument with a vagrant the other day. He came to my window asking for money, so naturally I declined.
Normally I would have shot him with the hand-held water cannon I keep in my glove compartment, but I had earlier emptied it out on a family of cyclists who were slowing me down (A pity, because the vagrant smelt of raw onion, and could have done with a bit of a soaking)
Anyhoo, as he trundled away he picked his nose and flicked the contents toward the car. He was plastered so naturally he missed, but it was way too close for comfort. In retribution, I jumped out, grabbed him by the ear and held his head under a nearby public tap, until he stopped swearing about my family heritage.
A drunk homeless woman suddenly appeared out of nowhere, mouthing off to me about my mother, so I put her under the public tap as well. Then I made the both of them wash my car.
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