July 11, 2007
Shaun Feels Like Ranting, Ranting.
Golf - Not Really A Sport, Is It?
I was at the local gym the other day, perspiring buckets of sweat on the treadmills in an effort to impress the big-bosomed redhead next to me, when I happened to look up at one of the many high definition televisions on display.
Expecting to see some adrenaline pumping viewing such as rugby, professional wrestling or the E News at 7, I was rather surprised to see a game of golf being shown. Even more surprising were the number of gym goers, loiterers and general free loaders who were actually watching this drivel taking place.
“Look at everyone watching this drivel taking place,” said the seemingly psychic big-bosomed redhead in a rather baritone voice, who then also proceeded to enquire as to my dinner plans for later that night. Whipping on my pair of Clark Kent’s and taking a closer look at her, I was startled to discover a 5 o’ clock shadow and an Adam’s apple – attributes which didn’t quite compliment the physique in question – and thus said my goodbyes, dashing off for a cold shower whilst trying to eradicate the image of that impressive cleavage out of my head, which I suspected would no doubt haunt my dreams for weeks.
Terence, who I later found out was the name of my treadmill neighbour and potential dinner date, did raise an excellent point though. Golf is drivel and I have never quite seen the attraction of it as a television spectacle. Watching hairy white men trying to hit a ball around a field is akin to watching a bad porn movie – it leaves you feeling unsatisfied, slightly guilty and wondering why you aren’t out doing something more constructive with your time.
Sure, Tiger Woods may be one of the most highly paid sportsmen in the world, but at the end of the day – he spends his time stroking, caressing and yes – sometimes striking – his tiny balls. That doesn’t sound like sport, it sounds like a lonely Friday evening at The HQ, when The Girlfriend is out on a Hen Night.
Many people I have spoken to have also claimed that the game of golf is similar to chess, and televised events will often play out in tension-filled drama. This particular argument however, has about as much substance as an episode of Three-Talk with Noeleen Maholwana Sanqu.
The fact is that golf is a leisurely past time, an event for cultivating and striking up business partnerships, or for stealing some time away when you really should be back at The HQ scrubbing the bathroom floor as The Girlfriend ordered you to.
It is not, however, a sport and should not be treated as such.
It has always fascinated me how Telkom have so glibly poured millions into sponsorship and broadcasting rights for an array of golfing events, yet failed to help me finance the 5-a-side mud wrestling world series I tried launching a few years back.
Without their backing, my venture understandably failed and since then, I’ve always harboured a deep seated resentment toward the telecommunications giant. So much so that I’ve refused to install a phone line or set up an internet connection at The HQ, making use of the time honoured tradition of smoke signals and word of mouth to communicate with friends and family.
True, I now regularly find bags of dog excrement on my doorstep from annoyed neighbours and the local firemen, but I have always been a man of principle and stubbornly refuse to pander to the whims of Telkom and their silly “feel good because we’re South African” television adverts.
Seeing a bunch of multiracial kids having fun together and not slitting one another’s throats on the playground, does not stir the heartstrings enough to make me want to get ADSL, broadband, WiFi or anything else which will make my pornography downloading any easier.
If I want to feel patriotic and South African I’ll go drink another Castle, thank you very much.
