But We’ve Been A Little Under The Weather.

Not A Happy Little Camper.

Whenever I have a few stiff Jamesons, things tend to get a little crazy.

Like the time I smacked Colin Moss with a Valpré water bottle after he beat me in a game of dominoes, and started mouthing off, the way only Colin can.

“I’ve been a presenter on TWO reality shows. What have YOU done?” he gloated sarcastically.

Well, I showed him, and to this day Colin still flinches at the sight of bottled still water, preferring to stick to sparkling.

Then there was the time I threw my strawberry daiquiri over Danny K, who wanted to burst into a rendition of “Hey Shorty” at a bar mitzvah we were both attending. “Someone do something! Quickly!” said the nervous host.

And so I did. And the guests were all saved.

Yes, triple distilled Irish whiskey and I can be quite an explosive and d..d….deadly – yes, I’m stuttering – combination if not mixed correctly. I can do very silly things.

Case in point this weekend, where after a few Jammies, I proceeded to eat a live cat. He kept eyeballing me at the soirée I attended on Saturday evening. Wait, let me just correct myself. The soirée I attended on Saturday. There was no reason for me to mention that it was the evening.

That was being redundant. Sorry about that.

You see, a soirée is an evening party. Yes, that’s right. You just learnt something new, didn’t you?

Anyhoo, whenever I came into the kitchen he would be sitting there, eyeballing me whilst sipping on his Grappa. What was a cat doing sipping on Grappa? I thought cats preferred pot-stilled brandy?

I didn’t bother asking him, frankly he began upsetting me with his shitty attitude, rolling his eyes at me as I battled to get the ice blocks out the tray.

Eventually I had it with him, and so I swallowed him whole. You would think that would be the end of it, but no, he had his revenge.

Apparently it’s not a good idea swallowing cats. It gives you a helluva indigestion. Which is what I had. Which is why you haven’t heard from me for a while. Which is why you should never eat cats. Or swallow them.

Take it from me, I know.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.