An Idiot’s Guide.

I was having dinner at Carlyle’s in Vredehoek last night, which I may decide to write about later, but whilst eating I kept hearing the roar from the men at the bar area, watching this “rugby match” between Argentina and France.

Interested to find out more, I discovered that there is a “Rugby World Cup” tournament currently going on. In the spirit of informing readers, I have done some research and present to you a definitive A-Z on this thing called “Rugby”.

A is for All Blacks - A rugby team from New Zealand, consisting of mostly white chaps, which I think is what’s known as irony. They do come equipped with tattoos though, which makes a big difference to their street cred. A Google search suggests that they have a habit of “choking”. Which suggests that they don’t chew their food properly. One should always chew your food properly, or you may choke and die. The All Blacks won the Rugby World Cup in 1987, but back then there were only about 4 countries playing the game, so it wasn’t that important. People were more interested in football in those days, not rugby. The All Blacks are the favourites for the 2007 competition, as they are really good at rugby. This is because the sport is pretty massive in the country, being the second most famous thing New Zealand are known for.

B is for Bill - or “William Web Ellis” as he was known to his mum. William was the creator of rugby, a game he invented after realising how rubbish he was at football (he was a crap goalkeeper). Rugby attracted all the rubbish footballers and the game spread across the world from there. William Web Ellis also happens to be the name of the Rugby World Cup trophy, which I’m sure you will agree is a pretty amazing coincidence

C is for Crowe, Russell - The most famous thing New Zealand are known for. Russell is a real man’s man, starring in testosterone-filled movies such as Gladiator (hardcore), and Cinderella Man (which doesn’t sound that hardcore, but certainly is) Russell regularly exhibits his toughness by beating up random strangers who piss him off. He also has his own band (Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts) which merely confirms how awesome he is. The sneaky Australians regularly try and claim Russell as their own, but he is true blue New Zealander Kiwi All Black Guy.

D is for Drop Goal - A very popular method for winning rugby world cup finals. Apparently you just kick the ball between the uprights, over the cross bar and hey presto - you earn yourself three points. This method was successfully used to win the world cup in 1995 - by a bloke called Joel Stransky - as well as the world cup in 2003, by a bloke called Jonny Wilkinson. Will it be used again in 2007?

E is for Eagles - The United States have a rugby team, consisting of 9 South Africans, 3 New Zealanders, 2 Frenchman and a guy from Milwaukee. Tired of being excluded from all the big boy parties, George W Bush threatened to blow up France if the US were not invited to play with. The Eagles are not very good though - they were recently beaten by an old man and his dog - and so are unlikely to make much of an impression in this tournament.

F is for France - The hosts of the 2007 Rugby World Cup, France are well known for their French fries, French kisses as well as French toast. France are also well known for their famous brand of “champagne rugby”, which consists of the team getting pissed on Moet during warm-ups and throwing the ball around in a lackadaisical fashion. The French are one of the favourites to win the Rugby World Cup, as they are the home team and so will know how to get to all the stadiums on time. Anyone who has ever visited France and asked locals for directions will know what an advantage this will prove to be.

G is for Goal - Which is the term used by footballers when they get the ball in the net. A rugby player doesn’t try to score goals. His goal is to score tries. A try is when you ground the ball over the line on the other side of the field. That will earn you five points. You then have to also kick it over the poles, which is known as a conversion. That will earn you 2 points. Do this regularly, and you may very likely win the game, which earns you brownie points. Brownie points is the accepted currency used by rugby groupies and flossies (floozies), which can then be exchanged for blowj*b points.

H is for Haka, The - A lovely and happy little choreographed dance often performed by the All Blacks before games to get them in the mood. This has won them countless Tony awards for best modern dance interpretation as well as a prestigious MTV award in 2003. Tonga and Samoa also have little dance ditties but they are just poor imitations of the Haka.

I is for Ing-Ger-Land - Or England if you’re not an English football hooligan lout. English rugby fans are more refined than their football counterparts and simply refer to their national team as “England” or “World Cup Champs”. Yes, the England team are currently the Rugby World Cup champs, after winning the William Web Ellis trophy in 2003, thanks to a Drop Goal (See D). Before that they suffered many years of mediocrity, until their coach at the time, Clive Woodward, taught them how to play rugby. Before this they were simply content to kick the ball up and down and chase after it. This is what’s known as “Ten Man Rugby”, as it’s pretty boring to watch and is usually played in front of a crowd of ten men.

J is for Jake - The Springbok rugby coach. Jake (White) has been the Springbok rugby coach since 2003, after stumbling upon them huddled naked in a cold, dark pit. He took pity upon them, fed and clothed them and created a formidable team, who are now considered one of the favourites to win the Rugby World Cup. They previously won the tournament in 1995, but this was before the game become professional, and matches would be interrupted every five minutes for smoke breaks and the occasional beer.

K is for Kicking Penalties - Another way of scoring points, is through kicking your penalties. A penalty occurs every time an opponent commits a foul, such as biting, eye gouging or ripping out any of your internal organs. Kicking over a penalty (through the uprights, over the cross bar) earns you three points, as well as brownie points which, as previously discussed, can then be exchanged for blowj*b points. Penalties are usually taken by the flyhalf, who wears the number 10 jersey and normally has the most pulling power among rugby groupies and flossies.

L is for Late Tackle - A late tackle is when you hit someone long after they have passed the ball. This normally results in a foul, giving the opposing team a penalty which they may be able to kick over. Late tackles are commonly accepted in rugby circles as a form of punishment for someone. If an opponent insults your mother, you may give them a late tackle. If they pinch your bottom whilst in a ruck or maul, you may give them a late tackle. If they stood next to you at a urinal the day before, and tried to make small talk, you may give them a late tackle. These are the commonly accepted guidelines.

M is for Madiba Magic - A motivational chat from Madiba, Nelson Mandela, usually inspires sports teams to do really well no matter how mediocre they may be. A chat from Madiba before the 1995 World Cup final motivated South Africa to forfeit their smoke breaks and play through the nicotine craving barrier, going on to beat the All Blacks, despite an admittedly sensational Haka performance beforehand, which had the crowd on their feet in rapturous applause.

N is for Never Won A Rugby World Cup - Countries which have never won a Rugby World Cup include France, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, Argentina, Zimbabwe as well as the Dominican Republic. Oh and Ghana.

O is for Os - Or Pieter Du Randt as his mom knows him as. “Os” which is an Afrikaans word meaning “Os”, is the only surviving Springbok member from 1995. Which isn’t to say that the rest of them are dead. I saw the captain, Francois Pienaar in a Lays chips commercial just the other day. What it means is that everyone else from that era has since retired, going on to become photocopy salesman or male models. Os is the oldest member in the Springbok team, who all look up to him and who recently held a special function to celebrate his 50th birthday.

P is for Players and Positions - The Rugby World Cup is all about the various players and the positions they play in. A rugby team consists of backs and forwards. The forwards are in the front, the backs are at the back. The forwards have to roll around in the mud and get very dirty, whilst the backs are there to look pretty, score the tries and thus earn brownie points. Forwards tend to be strong and bulky but slow guys, whilst the back tend to be quick and agile, yet also easy to snap in two. This makes watching rugby very entertaining. Will the slow forward grab hold of a nippy back? Will he break him in two?

Q is for Queen, God Save The - The national anthem of the English rugby team, as well as the English football team. And the English cricket team. Actually, I think it’s the official English national anthem, used in all codes of sport. The Queen loves watching sport and so, in 1950, she decreed that all sportsmen and women sing this song, imploring that she live forever to enjoy all these tournaments and events. She will no doubt be spotted in the terraces in France, armed with her lucky English jersey signed by Jonny Wilkinson, as well as her favourite corgi, Spanner.

R is for Rucks - A ruck is when there are three or more bodies on the ground, groping and touching one another. In another world this would be known as an orgy. In rugby though, it’s a ruck. If there are just two people on the ground, anything goes. If there are more than that though than certain rules need to be applied. (Ensuring that no one feels left out)

S is for Springboks - A rugby team from South Africa. A springbok is a nippy little critter, very quick and agile. They are regularly hunted down by Americans in game parks, looking to kill things with their rifles to make up for their general inadequacies. These springboks haven’t been hunted down yet and have successfully made it through to France, where they will be hoping to win the Rugby World Cup for the second time. They will be captained by John Smit, who young viewers may remember as Barney the Purple Dinosaur, a popular television show from the 90’s.

T is for The Drawing Board - A magical place where all rugby teams go back to after losing a match. You will often find captains referring to this at the after match interview. Experts maintain that The Drawing Board is a myth, much like the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot, but rugby players remain adamant that this is where they must return to when things go wrong.

U is for Up and Under - A method of gaining a few metres. Basically you kick the ball as high and as hard as you can, and then try and catch it yourself. Rugby players are not fond of jumping up and catching balls. If they could do this, they would be good goalkeepers. Rugby players are just rubbish footballers at the end of the day, so the Up and Under makes good sense when attacking a team. If this strategy does not work and you end up losing the match, you can always then just head off back to The Drawing Board.

V is for Very Important Players - The very important players to watch out for in this Rugby World Cup are varied. There is Dan Carter, an All Black who is always entertaining to watch, as he runs around like a nippy little rabbit on heat. Jonny Wilkinson, who is exciting to watch, because you never know when he will break down (a multi million pound betting industry has been built around his susceptibility to injury) as well as other characters such as Schalk Burger, who enjoys decapitating people with his massive forearms, and the scary looking Sébastien Chabal, who is just a fierce looking bastard who you would never want to run into in a dark alley.

W is for the Wallabies - The Australian national team. Australians are well renowned for their freakish ability to excel in any sport they desire, including the likes of ice-hockey, skiing and baseball. The Aussies won the Rugby World Cup in 1991, 1999 and are aiming for a hat trick in 2007. They will be ably captained by Ricky Ponting, who will have a point to prove after all the injury doubts that have been hanging over him in recent months.

X is for Xxxxx Beer - A sponsor of the Wallabies, but in reality a rather mediocre beer - nowhere near the class of a Hansa Gold or Castle.

Y is for You Blokes Can’t Handle The Pressure, Mate - A phrase often thrown at All Black supporters when they’re boasting about their rugby team. Pretty temperamental, the All Blacks cannot seem to get it together for the big games, losing in the semi-finals at the last two tournaments. Rugby World Cup elimination usually leads to excessive drinking, wife beating and Russell Crowe poster tearing from the emotional Kiwis. Will this be their year though?

Z is for Zidane, Zinedine - He doesn’t play rugby, but he headbutted Marco Materazzi in the Football World Cup final. Something you probably shouldn’t do in a Rugby World Cup Final.

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