Shaun Has A Close Shave With A Slightly Inebriated Rodent

It was a blustery Thursday last week, and I had just pulled up outside the HQ, having taken the car for a bit of a spin, when my spider senses suddenly kicked in.

I immediately rolled into a battle stance, awaiting an attack from an evil villain, long forgotten nemesis, or distant cousin, when I spotted something far far worse.

A mere ten feet away from me, was a brown sewer rat, strolling around and bothering the nearby tourists. An unfortunate Swedish visitor managed to piss off the rodent, as he was wearing a bright yellow Hawaiian shirt, which everyone knows is the WORSE thing you can wear when bumping into a rat. They f**king HATE those Hawaiian shirts.

A Brown Rat - Hating Those Hawaiian Shirts

The rat seemed a little drunk, slurring his words and speaking in a rather aggressive manner, and with a swift motion leapt up and bit the Swede’s two thumbs off. 

Now thumbless, he immediately burst into tears, as he was a professional guitarist back in Stockholm, and his career was basically over, simply for wearing that dodgy shirt.

The rat then came toward me, a cold shiver went up my spine, but I knew I had to be brave and flat out refused to wet myself in front of a rodent. Not again.

“Hey!” I said, with an artificially deep voice, hoping to hide my naked fear. 

“F**k Off Rat”.

And he did.

Wow, what a close call that was. Seriously though, why are there rats running around in Oranjezicht? I thought we were above all that. Where are my fumigators? I want my fumigators and I want them here NOW.

Jesus Hernandez, thank God I wasn’t wearing MY Hawaiian shirt, or I would never be able to play the banjo again.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.