Why Do Men’s Clothes Fit So Badly?

I enjoy wearing clothes. It makes me feel happy and I think it makes other people feel happy too.

As I’m quite a hairy – yet ludicrously handsome – devil, I’ve noticed that the public generally seem to be more pleasant toward me when I’m wearing something, as opposed to when I’m NOT wearing something, which usually occurs on hot summer days, or every third Wednesday.

Shaun: Hairy - Yet Ludicrously Handsome - Devil

It is quite ironic then, that I regularly struggle to find clothing attire to suit my chiselled Adonis-like body.

The problem you see, lies with my arms. I have really long arms, it fact they’re freakishly long, like Mr Fantastic from the Fantastic Four – I’m actually able to drive my car from the back seat, I find it comfortable and it relaxes me as I can rest my head on the back of the front seat and take miniature power naps whilst the traffic lights are red.

Growing up, I used to drag them along the ground next to me, together with my shadow and my imaginary friend Seamus, and so was understandably mocked by school kids as well as my parents. I’ve since grown into them a little better, but it’s still near impossible to find a decent jacket to suit my needs.

Yes, that was a deliberate pun. I used the word “suit” whilst talking about jackets. Read it again, see how clever I am.

What I used to do was just roll the jacket sleeves up, but that was back in the 80′s and when Miami Vice got cancelled, it kind of killed that vibe. When I DO manage to find jacket sleeves long enough, the jacket itself tends to be big enough for me to live in and start a family, so I don’t particularly dig that vibe either.

When Miami Vice Got Cancelled, It Killed The Rolled Up Sleeve Vibe.

So what’s up with male fashion these days? Why are they only making clothes for sickeningly thin men with short arms and no upper body definition? The other day I was at YDE and tried on an XL t-shirt. The t-shirt apparently seemed to be a midriff top, as that was where it ended – just above my midriff, where my belly button normally chills.

“Rameez!” barked Shaun at the YDE shop assistant with the abnormally spiked hair, “What the f**k am I doing with a midriff top? Has this become fashionable again?”

Rameez looked slightly bewildered, as if I had just taken a poo on his white crocodile leather shoes, “My name isn’t Rameez, it’s” – “It doesn’t MATTER what your name is!” I interjected, and gave him a karate kick in the solar plexus for trying to correct me. “Get your little ass back to the Weird Willy aisle, and find me something that fits nicely”. Turns out there was nothing there that fitted nicely, forcing me to walk off with three slightly homo-erotic t-shirts.

Then at Urban, I came across a range of jackets that were fairly decent – sure, they DID end just passed my elbows, but if I hunched my back and contorted my shoulder blades just right, I was able to look fairly normal. A nervous looking sales assistant pulled me aside however, and talked me out of it.

“You shouldn’t have to put up with this,” he said with a defiant glint in his eye. It was then that I noticed his 2 metre long forearms, carefully nestled around his ankles, he was one of us. “A storm is coming, and soon people are going to have to take sides,” he continued somewhat dramatically. My attention was diverted though, by the voluptuous sales assistant with the low cut top, who had just bent down to pick up the white linen pants I had deliberately tossed into her path, hoping for a classic cleavage shot.

Seemingly out of nowhere, 3 men in black suits jumped out of an unmarked van which appeared outside the store. How they managed to get the van into the Canal Walk mall itself was beyond me, but there they were, grabbing my nervous sales assistant, knocking him out with a chloroform-soaked rag, and bundling him into the van, which then sped off through the mall. Amazing stuff.

Clearly there is some sort of conspiracy going on that I don’t know of. Many questions remain, and some answers still need to be found:

1) Where can one find fitted jackets in Cape Town?
2) Are tailors a viable option?
3) Where does one actually find a good tailor in 2008?
4) What was Rameez’s real name?

These are just some of the things keeping me up at night, if anyone can help me with answers though, give me a shout.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.