July 1, 2008
Needs A Karate Kick In The Solar Plexus
Derek van Dam: Weatherman. Ladies' Man?
Monday evenings are usually spent chasing The Girlfriend around the lounge, trying to seduce her with sweet nothings in her ear, and tranquilizers in her thigh. Round about twenty past seven though, the fun and games usually come to an abrupt end.
With a swift kick to the groin, The Girlfriend will leave me curled up in the foetal position, desperately trying not to cough up my testicles, whilst she settles down for the weather report.
“But Shaun,” I hear you ask, “why is she so keen on the weather report? Surely frolicking with you is a helluva lot more fun than knowing what the swells in Richard’s Bay and Durban are going to be?” You would think so, dear readers, but this is surprisingly NOT the case.
I haven’t been able to prove it yet, but I think it has something to do with E-TV’s new weatherman, Derek Van Dam. Whenever Derek is on, her eyes glaze over, like a fat kid who has just seen a chocolate doughnut at the Pick n Pay counter, and tries to gobble it up when the baker lady turns her back to fetch some more fresh pies out the oven.
The Girlfriend will then go off into this weird trance, listening to Derek and his American accent massacre the likes of “Polokwane” and “Vredendal”. Apparently she isn’t the only one who loves the wee man – he is apparently 3 feet tall – many other guys I’ve spoken to have told me similar tales of kicks in the groin and general apathy by their girlfriends for those 15 minutes that Van Dam is on every night.
Worst of all, The Girlfriend isn’t even able to tell me what the temperature will be the next day, which invariably leaves me prancing around in sleeveless vests and shorts when it’s pissing with rain outside. This OBVIOUSLY happens because I can’t judge the weather just by looking outside.
If I could, I would be a f**king weatherman.
I don’t think I like Derek Van Dam. He seems slightly creepy, the kind of of guy who will fart in the lift and then not own up, letting the old woman or the little kid with the runny nose take the fall instead. His voice also annoys me, the type of high pitch that I had when I was 15, during those heady days of Catholic School Choir – before my voice broke and I was then able to cause Earth tremors and panties to drop with my deep baritone.
Seriously, why do women love him? Is it the accent? The boy band hairstyle?
I’m at a loss here, and I can’t handle another kick in the gonads.
Fill me in.
UPDATE – Aarrgh!!! And he’s a blogger too.
No related posts.
I actually can’t believe he won YOU magazine best newcomer.
i’m uncertain whether to be more shocked that the competition actually exists or that he beat VERNON KOEKEMOER
@Shebeen,
I’m surprised that people actually still give a f**k about Vernon Koekemoer. Didn’t his 15 minutes end about 18 months ago already?
I suppose he will eventually get an acting gig on Egoli or 7nde Laan.
He is awesome and he is the most cool and fun person in the world (i mean Derek) and i have personal experience with hem because he is my uncle! He is a very kind and considerate person that happens to get all of the ladies. so suck it up!! And here is a tip to don’t be such a perv to the girls they do not like it. That is what i have to say about him!
I think that Derek has a fresh approach to the weather report. I think you need too take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and deal with your own insecurities that you see in Derek. Good idea to take up a bit of reading start with David Ick.
Shame on you all, then jealousy douse make you nasty.
I think someone has a crush on Derek
Oh my word!All I can say is the dude is seriouly jealous of Derek.Im young female who is currently doing my first year at University and I am not suprised that every single woman’s eye’s are glued to the televisison practically every single night. I actually will admit that I one of those woman! Derek is unbelievably gorgeous and his lovely smile just grips me.I definetly have a crush on Derek and would sooo love to meet him!
James if you dont mind putting a good word in for me…I’d love to be his PA!
And he came to Africa as part of a missionary group. So be prepapred for the full USA godsquad if you get out on a date with him.
Gawd Shaun, your posts always attract the foolish. :)
Your just green with envy! Derek is gorgoues and comassionate too, i too watch him all the time- im actually obsessed.
Hi Iam Ilove Trombley, lisa and mike trombley’s daugter and i have met you before i just wanted to say you are doing a nice job keep it up!
Michigan!
l just love Derek Van Dam.he is so gorgeous and l adore his accent.he is everything a good guy should be.
Dude. Derek’s HOT get over it!
I live in Knysna and for months e news weather shows us rain,rain and more rain. Well my feeling that the weather department should come down to knysna and see what rain we get. With all the foecasts we should be flooded but that would be asking too much.My feeling is that nobody knows how to forecast the so called rain for our area. Thanks
Derek, I love your new format, but WHY has the printing of the low/high tides shrunk to a size that I can no longer read? (I have only just got new glasses and they have nothing to do with it!)There are a lot of we oldies who walk our dogs on the beach every day and we prefer to go at low tide not only because of walking on hard sand, but for our dogs to play in the rock pools which don’t exist at high tide. But we can’t read the tide tables on TV! Please give the senior citizens some consideration. Thanks
I’m a grumpy old man. But can somebody, please, explain to me what has happened to our continent. All our West Coast towns and cities seem to have moved into the Atlantic while our East Coast cities and towns have moved inland. Durban now seems to be where Pietermaritzburg used to be and Richards Bay is well inland. I live in Agulhas and I think you have stolen our only claim to fame – where the two oceans meet. It seems they now meet at Kleinmond somewhere.
Other, great channel! I’m really no THAT grumpy. Kind regards.
Who the hell is Shaun Oakes. I’ve never heard of him! Must be a nobody worth worrying about. There’s only one person better than Derek on the E-news weather and that is Candice.
Please Derek say cheerio at the end of the weather forecast. Thanks.
Hey Derek – love the way who give us the weather. But could you please say cheerio and maybe give us a wink!!