Because here’s what happens, you’re standing in the queue, waiting to pay for your groceries. In front of you is a morbidly obese woman with an admittedly cute kid clinging to her massive tree trunk of a leg.
You’re in a reasonably happy mood as The Girlfriend let you feel her up that morning, and you didn’t even have to give her a sensual foot rub in return. So you smile and wink at the little kid in a friendly manner, as he is a quite an adorable little chap, despite the fact that his mother has an arse the size of a small Eastern European country, and he will probably resemble her in a few years time.
He then looks at you with his big cartoon-like eyes, and proceeds to shout out the following line which is no doubt heard throughout the store:
“Mom, that man just winked at me. Is he a Gay?”
Instead of being embarrassed by his homophobic slur, the woman looks at you with disgust, before asking you to confirm if you did in fact just do that.
You then notice that the everyone behind you seems to be sizing you up now, and before you know it, a seemingly innocent act has suddenly become very, very awkward.
So I was walking back to my car the other day after running some errands in the CBD. As I approached the driver door, my spider senses suddenly kicked in, as a figure approached me from the starboard side.
Fearing an attack from another charity volunteer worker or distant cousin, I quickly assumed a defensive battle stance, something which I had honed through years of martial arts training held at the Catholic Church I attended as a young kid, back when I was still a hardened gang banger and aspiring hip hop artist looking to catch a break.
Instead of a middle-aged troll looking for money for the disabled, I was instead greeted by a man with a dirty orange bib, the kind of guy that you normally train yourself to ignore when you park and leave your car, as by acknowledging them you have effectively agreed to a verbal contract that you will pay them upon returning to your automobile.
It wasn’t those guys with the classy luminous yellow bibs - it was an informal car guard - one of those smelly guys who looked like they were rolling around in dog urine and cheap spirits, the ones who speak in pidgin English, and call you “Master” in a patronising and sarcastic manner.
Mentally berating myself for the fact that I actually made eye contact with him, I reluctantly pulled my wallet out of my underpants and scratched around for some loose change, which I knew he would probably just use to buy more glue to sniff, as he looked as if he had recently been in a serious car accident, and walked and talked in a manner of someone who had just experienced a massive head injury.
I didn’t have any silver coins to throw at him, and was pretty skeptical that he would have change for a R100, but I eventually managed to piece together about R3,80 - a figure I was convinced would be enough to get his next tik fix, as I had heard it on good authority that the street price of tik had dropped dramatically, despite the economic slump we were currently experiencing.
He gingerly picked up the coins I had casually tossed on the ground, looked at me with sad, deadened eyes, and that made a comment which literally threw me to the ground.
“It’s okay, you rather keep this, you clearly need it more than me.” he stammered in broken English, which immediately put me to shame, like a young and naive woman in medieval times, who falls pregnant and is immediately shunned by the ignorant villagers because she is unmarried and enjoys going down on the men when they come to swim at the creek nearby her cabin.
So was I being incredibly cheap and condescending?
What’s the etiquette with regard to paying car guards these days? Is a R5 the minimum expected in today’s financial climate?
I always assumed a R2 was enough for a brief 10 minute stay, but judging by his reaction this clearly doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. I eventually mumbled an apology, gave him the R100 note, and sped off in a blaze of screeching tyres and streaming tears.
Which leaves me with the following question - does anyone know what the accepted going rate for car guards are these days?
Your feedback would be greatly appreciated, because clearly I don’t seem to have a clue anymore, and I don’t think I can handle being humiliated by another car guard again.
It’s a new week, and what better way to start it than by going on a nostalgia trip and remembering some of the most awesome 80’s TV shows ever made? So let’s all strap ourselves in and go back in time, like in that movie, “Back To The Future“, except you won’t have to take your mom to the senior prom, or put up with Dr. Emmet Brown’s incessant bullshit.
In no particular order:
#5 - MacGyver
Who DIDN’T want to be like MacGyver, the mullet-wearing American hero who would regularly save the day with the help of his trusty Swiss army pocket knife? MacGyver didn’t believe in using guns, but then again, he didn’t really need to as he was probably the smartest man in the world.
MacGyver - Probably The Smartest Man In The World.
Basically, MacGyver worked for a company called the Phoenix Foundation, a job which ensured that every week he would find himself in all sorts of shit. This never really phased him though, and he would always save the day thanks to some brilliant engineering feat on his part. I remember one memorable episode where he constructed a projectile missile launcher using only a few paper clips, some dry ice, and a used condom. That’s the kind of man MacGyver was.
#4 - Airwolf
Airwolf was a kick-ass high-tech helicopter who OWNED the skies in the 80’s. Piloted by the awesomely named Stringfellow Hawke, Airwolf could do doughnuts, somersaults and flip flops in the sky, as well as flap jacks, top spins and jack hammers. I don’t really know what those terms all mean but I remember having a conversation with a helicopter pilot a few months back who used this jargon, so I’m just going with it. Stringfellow Hawke was of course also famous for being the original innovator of “Blue Steel”, showcased years later in the movie “Zoolander.”
Stringfellow Hawke Doing Blue Steel, With His Buddy Dominic.
Of course Airwolf could also fly at supersonic speeds, basically become invisible (stealth mode) and had all sorts of missile and guns which could blow anything up if it wanted to. It’s STILL the greatest helicopter action television series ever made, and is one of the main reasons why America outmuscled the Russians during the Cold War. Fact.
#3 - Miami Vice
The show that pioneered pastel-coloured suits, the rolling up of jacket sleeves, and wearing loafers without socks. Crockett and Tubbs were two stylish Miami undercover cops who specialised in laying the smackdown on the drug trade in the area. Driving sports cars, living in penthouses and wearing the latest suits, it lead to a generation of young South Africans wanting to become police officers. Until they realised that “Misdaad in Miami” was actually an American show, and was just dubbed in Afrikaans. Fok.
Miami Vice - All About Style.
The movie they made a few years back sucked balls. And that’s all I have to say on the matter. Watch the television show instead.
#2 - The A-Team
The A-Team were a bunch of bad-ass mercenaries (guns for hire) who were wrongfully charged for crimes they didn’t commit. They then went on the run, and the basic plot would see them kick the living shit out of all manner of bad guys on a weekly basis. (Although they never killed anyone though, the bad guys always managed to jump out of the jeep before it exploded). The A-Team consisted of Hannibal, Murdock, Faceman and of course B.A.
The A-Team.
I actually had a bit of a man crush on Faceman as a young lad, as I found his smooth, sleek hair very appealing, and I was greatly appreciative of the way he could always bamboozle people with his charm and ability to lie on his feet, two attributes I’ve learnt to develop over the years thanks to his guidance.
#1 - Knight Rider
The definitive 80’s television show, Knight Rider was about a high-tech talking car with artificial intelligence, driven by a mysterious man “who doesn’t exist”. Before the Hoff became an ironic hero in the new millennium, he was a bit of a legend back in the 80’s, and played William Arthur, an undercover police office who gets shot in the face, undergoes plastic surgery and becomes known as “Michael Knight”, the mysterious crime-fighter who works for the Foundation for Law and Government (FLAG), funded by Knight Industries.
Michael Knight, Giving Us The Thumbs Up.
Of course the best thing about the show, besides the Hoff and his amazing perm, was the car, the Knight Industries Two Thousand, also known as KITT, who could drive at supersonic speeds, could shoot bullets and missiles, drive through walls without any obvious external damage, and could also speak in an eloquent and articulate manner.
How awesome was that? The 80’s definitely seemed to produce some of the most memorable television shows ever made. Fact.
I don’t know about you, but I’m sitting here with a bit of semi right now, after reading through all that.
I was quite alarmed recently to notice the amount of geeks and anorak wearers walking around the streets of Cape Town with massive erections. Disturbed by these events, I did a little research on the “internet”, and realised that this has something to do with the recent launch of the Apple iPhone in South Africa.
iPhone - The Source Of Various Wet Dreams Since 2008.
I am certainly not what people would refer to as a “fanboy” so I’ve had to read up on just what the f**k this iPhone thing is all about. After scanning numerous blogs and websites, I still don’t quite get what all the hype is about.
As far as I can tell, you can make calls, send emails, play music, and store a fair amount of data on the phone.
Sure, it also comes with a camera, but it’s a shitty 2 megapixel one - which for photo purposes is the equivalent of trying to have sex with a limp dick.
The video below tries to hype the iPhone up a bit, mentioning that there will be tons of “cool iPhone applications” to download.
Now, unless there is an iPhone application that will pour me a stiff Jameson on a Saturday afternoon, or one that will hold my hair back when I’m hurling on a Saturday night, it’s not going to get me rushing out to purchase one of these mobiles.
iMod had a list of the iPhone prices in South Africa, which you can see below.
iPhone Prices In South Africa
Again, with those prices, I kind of expect more from the iPhone? Judging by some other posts I’ve read, I’m clearly not the only one. I guess I’m just a little baffled then as to why this phone seems to be so popular then.
It’s Friday, and time to jam with Scatman, that strangely addictive dance song from the 90’s by the stuttering artist Scatman John.
Who knew that Scatman really stuttered in real life? Amazing. Steve O used to stutter in his youth, but he couldn’t scat like Scatman John though. And that’s why Steve O never embarked on a pop career.
