Because He Can.

Once Again, Batman Is Made To Look Like A Doos.

That’s quality right there.

Good night.

Please Let This Be America’s Next President.

Someone with way too much time on his hands has put together a little clip of Barack Obama “singing” a hit song from 80’s superstar and MTV Best Act Ever nominee, Rick Astley.

Sit back and enjoy.

Classic. I think we all enjoyed that.

Not Kill Them, But Actually Take Care Of Them.

It’s coming to Summer time, and that means more parties, more excessive drinking, and more opportunities for your friends to embarrass you with juvenile behaviour. In this spirit, we present a guide to dealing with a drunk person, the signs to look out for, and how to handle the situation.

You’re welcome.

# 1 - Recognition
The first step is to recognize someone who has had one too many, which is usually very easy to pick up on. These people tend to slur incoherently, bump into inanimate objects, and vomit at random intervals. If you see someone doing this, chances are they are drunk. If they’re doing this and they’re NOT drunk, then they probably have some sort of psychological issue, and you shouldn’t really be friends with them.

# 2 - Discouragement
The next step in to discourage further drinking. Try distracting them, by punching them in the throat, or giving them a swift jab in the kidney area. This usually puts an end to any further drinking on their part. In severe cases, a stiff kick in the groin region may also be appropriate, although this tends to only work in male case studies.

# 3 - Mind Games
At this point, you may also be able to get away with having fun at a drunk person’s expense, so hand them some water, and claim that it’s neat vodka. Chances are they won’t even notice, and you will have a good laugh as they pull faces downing the drink.

# 4 - Precautions
Do your best to avoid them causing physical injury especially through falling on you. Tell them to stay at least five feet away from you and not to come any closer. If the person begins to heave try to help them to an appropriate place to vomit, such as the inside of their car, or in front of an attractive member of the opposite sex. One learns from extreme humiliation, and they will surely thank you for it the next morning.

# 5 - Encouragement
Once you tire of the neat vodka joke, encourage them to sip water with salt in it, as this will cause them to throw up alcohol. Make sure they are not laying down whilst throwing up, for risk of choking, causing you to have to then give them CPR, or something equally disgusting. Do you want to taste someone else’s vomit? Of course you don’t, so don’t let them lie down.

# 6 - Heroism
If you do find that the person is laying down when they begin to vomit, it’s important not to panic, but to calmly kick them in the solar plexus instead. They will then automatically assume the foetal or recovery position (on their side with the higher knee bent) to prevent choking. Congratulations, you have just saved a life.

# 7 - Companionship
This is the important part - DO NOT leave someone who is very drunk to fall asleep alone. Stay in the room with them - go through their wallet or read their private cell phone messages to keep you amused, but keep them in the room with you. Alternatively, you can also pair them up with a particularly ugly member of the opposite sex, allowing you to relentlessly mock them about it the next day.

# 8 - Evaluation
Check regularly to ensure they respond to being stirred. Say their name loudly, tell them their spouse is cheating on them, and look for a response. Watch the chest/abdomen for breathing movements. 12- 20 breaths per minute is normal.

# 9 - Diagnose
If they are not breathing and are unresponsive to being prodded and pinched firmly they may have alcohol poisoning, or could possibly be dead. Blue lips, rapid pulse, cold clammy hands/ feet, and rigor mortis are the usual signs, although they may just be cold and stiff. Or happen to have blue lips for some strange genetic reason. The important thing is not to judge, just diagnose.

# 10 - Act
If you do spot these signs don’t panic - unless they are dead of course, in which case you probably should panic - and call an emergency number immediately. Explain the situation clearly.

# 11 - Monitor
Stay with the person, keep them warm and continue to monitor breathing. If a qualified first aider is available feel free to call on them for help whilst waiting for the ambulance.

# 12 - Delegate
If someone else is present, send them to direct the ambulance paramedics to your position.

Tips To Remember

Do not jeopardize your own health when looking after the person. Do not try to physically lift a drunken person or stop someone much larger than you falling down, as you may injure your back. Rather stand back and watch them fall, as when they are drunk, they are virtually indestructible..

If someone gets into a drunken state having taken in seemingly little alcohol they may be a lightweight and may be cruelly mocked for several weeks there after. Of course, it’s also possible that their drink may have been spiked, but it’s more likely that they’re just a f**king lightweight.

Telling the person the danger they put themselves in may stop them from over-indulging again, but it will also make you sound like a whiny Goody Two Shoes. Don’t do it.

Loosely based on this article.

Oh Wait, Actually Not.

So I saw this link saying “Jerusalema Selected For Oscars” and I thought “Wow, another local movie has been nominated. Could this be the South African film industy’s second Oscar after Tsotsi won best foreign film?”

But no, then I read the article and it just says that the movie has been one of three submitted on behalf of South Africa to the Oscar panel of judges. Considering the fact that we probably only made five movies this year, it of course means sweet f**k all.


So let’s boast about it once it actually makes it on to the list of nominees.

Otherwise, big wank.

After The Backlash.

So, after a number of people voiced their disapproval at the shitty organisation of the recent Rocking The Daisies festival, they released an official statement on Facebook, sort of apologising for the whole thing, and promising to be better next time.

I dunno. Surely there should have been a cap on the number of tickets made available? What do you think? Should we give them another chance?