October 9, 2008
Not Kill Them, But Actually Take Care Of Them.
It’s coming to Summer time, and that means more parties, more excessive drinking, and more opportunities for your friends to embarrass you with juvenile behaviour. In this spirit, we present a guide to dealing with a drunk person, the signs to look out for, and how to handle the situation.
You’re welcome.
# 1 - Recognition
The first step is to recognize someone who has had one too many, which is usually very easy to pick up on. These people tend to slur incoherently, bump into inanimate objects, and vomit at random intervals. If you see someone doing this, chances are they are drunk. If they’re doing this and they’re NOT drunk, then they probably have some sort of psychological issue, and you shouldn’t really be friends with them.
# 2 - Discouragement
The next step in to discourage further drinking. Try distracting them, by punching them in the throat, or giving them a swift jab in the kidney area. This usually puts an end to any further drinking on their part. In severe cases, a stiff kick in the groin region may also be appropriate, although this tends to only work in male case studies.
# 3 - Mind Games
At this point, you may also be able to get away with having fun at a drunk person’s expense, so hand them some water, and claim that it’s neat vodka. Chances are they won’t even notice, and you will have a good laugh as they pull faces downing the drink.
# 4 - Precautions
Do your best to avoid them causing physical injury especially through falling on you. Tell them to stay at least five feet away from you and not to come any closer. If the person begins to heave try to help them to an appropriate place to vomit, such as the inside of their car, or in front of an attractive member of the opposite sex. One learns from extreme humiliation, and they will surely thank you for it the next morning.
# 5 - Encouragement
Once you tire of the neat vodka joke, encourage them to sip water with salt in it, as this will cause them to throw up alcohol. Make sure they are not laying down whilst throwing up, for risk of choking, causing you to have to then give them CPR, or something equally disgusting. Do you want to taste someone else’s vomit? Of course you don’t, so don’t let them lie down.
# 6 - Heroism
If you do find that the person is laying down when they begin to vomit, it’s important not to panic, but to calmly kick them in the solar plexus instead. They will then automatically assume the foetal or recovery position (on their side with the higher knee bent) to prevent choking. Congratulations, you have just saved a life.
# 7 - Companionship
This is the important part - DO NOT leave someone who is very drunk to fall asleep alone. Stay in the room with them - go through their wallet or read their private cell phone messages to keep you amused, but keep them in the room with you. Alternatively, you can also pair them up with a particularly ugly member of the opposite sex, allowing you to relentlessly mock them about it the next day.
# 8 - Evaluation
Check regularly to ensure they respond to being stirred. Say their name loudly, tell them their spouse is cheating on them, and look for a response. Watch the chest/abdomen for breathing movements. 12- 20 breaths per minute is normal.
# 9 - Diagnose
If they are not breathing and are unresponsive to being prodded and pinched firmly they may have alcohol poisoning, or could possibly be dead. Blue lips, rapid pulse, cold clammy hands/ feet, and rigor mortis are the usual signs, although they may just be cold and stiff. Or happen to have blue lips for some strange genetic reason. The important thing is not to judge, just diagnose.
# 10 - Act
If you do spot these signs don’t panic - unless they are dead of course, in which case you probably should panic - and call an emergency number immediately. Explain the situation clearly.
# 11 - Monitor
Stay with the person, keep them warm and continue to monitor breathing. If a qualified first aider is available feel free to call on them for help whilst waiting for the ambulance.
# 12 - Delegate
If someone else is present, send them to direct the ambulance paramedics to your position.
Tips To Remember
Do not jeopardize your own health when looking after the person. Do not try to physically lift a drunken person or stop someone much larger than you falling down, as you may injure your back. Rather stand back and watch them fall, as when they are drunk, they are virtually indestructible..
If someone gets into a drunken state having taken in seemingly little alcohol they may be a lightweight and may be cruelly mocked for several weeks there after. Of course, it’s also possible that their drink may have been spiked, but it’s more likely that they’re just a f**king lightweight.
Telling the person the danger they put themselves in may stop them from over-indulging again, but it will also make you sound like a whiny Goody Two Shoes. Don’t do it.
Loosely based on this article.
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My nerffs….
Absolutely brilliant, and oh so true.
Point 9 had my coffee coming out of my nose.
@JDog,
Wow, that’s… really gross. Film it next time so we can all see that.
Ooh, ooh another good thing to do is lead them to the bathroom and then get them to curl up in the bath. It leads to a really sticky mess in the morning, a lot of explaining (particularly if it isn’t their bath) and makes for some great photo shoots!
@Craig,
Yes, I like where your heads at. On that basis we can also add the classic “hand in a jug of water” routine for the unfortunate drunk sap who has the balls to pass out in the company of friends.
You can also punch them in the face for a long time when they’re drunk, and tell them at the same time ‘you must not be drunk or I’ll be punching you in the face like this!’ Dsh dsh dsh. That is also another thing you may do to be cool.
Thanks for a good laugh! Just thought I’d share a funny, drunk-related story
One night ‘John’ was in bed with his wife when he heard a loud knock at the door. He got up and crawled downstairs only to find ‘Steven’ standing in the rain who was clearly plastered. “How about a push hey?” slurred the drunk. “No! F*** off! It’s 3 ‘o clock in the morning and pissing down with rain! And I have work tomorrow!” John seemed to say. “Who was that?” asked John’s wife when he climbed back into bed. “Some random drunk asking for a push!” said John. “But sweety,” purred his wife, “remember that time your car broke down at 3 in the morning and those two random men stopped to give you a push?” John felt himself getting filled with guilt and eventually put on his dressing gown and ventured out into the stormy night. “Hey mate!” he shouted, “do you still need a push?” “Yes please!” shouted the drunk. “Well where the hell are you?” asked John. “Over by the swing!”
@Galen,
Thanks for the joke, albeit one from 1996. Ta for the effort though.
This article is the most ignorant thing I have ever seen. Who ever wrote this should be shot dead. You are definately a waste to human life and shouldn’t be allowed to breath the valuable air that can be used for someone who is worth it. You will answer to Gad and you should be very afraid. I am glad I don’t you. I would kill you if I did.
My spelling sint the greatest but my point has been made.
Who just took my name in vain?
@Lovinghusband
Besides envoking Gad’s name in vain (careful, he may smite you), the impression I got from your comment was that you were crying out for a hug or, alternatively, a playful tug on my winky.
Is this true?