Inspired After Having My Ass Handed To Me.

It was a blustery Wednesday evening, and The Girlfriend and I were in the mood for a good scrap. Unfortunately I am not very good at fighting and, as so often happens, she ended up kicking the shit out of me.

My preferred strategy of sneaking up behind her with a chloroform-soaked rag and a large wooden plank failed yet again, and instead she ended up ripping my arm off and beating me with it until I passed out.

It was whilst the paramedics were busy sewing my limb back on, that I began thinking about other lame fight scenes, and so decided to put up a list of some of the most pathetic fight sequences ever seen by man.

#5 – The Legless Ass Kicker
He has no legs and he is badly dubbed in German, but this dude manages to kick the living shit out of all the Asian bad guys in this scene.

#4 – The Guy Who Fights Zombies
This is from an obscure movie called Corpses Are Forever. In this fight scene you will notice what an amazing action stuntman our hero is. Surprisingly, he never won an Oscar for this role.

#3 – The Guy Who Chokes The Other Guy With His Large Intestine
Ja… so this is a scene from another dubbed movie called Lik Wong, and involves a guy who tries to choke another guy with his own large intestine. Which is a pretty cool weapon, come to think of it, except it’s not enough to win the fight, and he ends up having his eye eaten by birds, AND then still gets his skull crushed. So not the best of days for our boy.

#2 – Denny Crane And The Lizard With The Wet Cough
Before William Shatner became famous as Denny Crane, he was Captain James Kirk of the Starship Enterprise, where he would regularly beat up by guys in fake lizard suits. With irritable throats. In slow motion.

#1 – The Slightly Gay B-Grade Action Scene
This is widely regarded as the worst fight scene ever made. It’s from a movie called Undefeatable and involves two guys who mid-fight, decide to both rip their shirts off, to reveal strangely oiled up torsos. Most of the scene consists of grunting, groaning, and some homo-erotic grappling, but the final seconds probably boasts the greatest bit of dialogue ever heard on screen. Seriously, you will shit yourself at how awesome it is.

My God but those were lame.

What do you think?

Can you think of any others?

If you enjoyed this, you will probably like:

1. Randall Abrahams In A Fight?
2. Who Would Win In A Fight Between an iPhone and a Blackberry?
3. Black Dynamite Movie Trailer
4. Stop Motion Awesomeness
5. Shaun Oakes In The Daily Dispatch

Did you enjoy this post? Of course you did! Now join my growing army of subscribers and get free updates in your Inbox whenever I write something breathtakingly new. Become cool by association and get ShaunOakes.com in your Inbox.