And Will Kill You In Your Sleep.

Your typical cat - plotting to take you out.

The Girlfriend tried twisting my arm again about getting a cat today, but luckily I managed to get out of her hold, and firmly put my foot down, in the process breaking my spectacles which had fallen in the melee, but making my point known nonetheless.

Quite frankly I have always been baffled by the big attraction people seem to have toward cats. Don’t get me wrong, I think lions and tigers are awesome, leopards and cheetahs are reasonably impressive, and even panthers have their moments.

Cats however, are a different story. I have never really gotten on with them, and they have never taken a liking to me either. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that – given half the chance – they would probably try and kill me, something which I’m not terribly keen on.

Unlike dogs, cats are not very affectionate beings. I remember as a young impressionable lad, trying to pat an old tabby who lived next door, who proceeded to bite my finger off with his razor like fangs. Thankfully I had six fingers at the time, so it wasn’t a great loss, but it was the principle of the thing, and it still pissed me off immensely, not to mention my mom, who had spent the preceding 3 months trying to knit me a six-fingered glove.

I remember my first job as a henchman, working for a Cuban mobster guy operating out of Green Point. He had a horrible cat as well, eyes yellow like the colour of unhealthy urine, with turd-coloured fur to boot. Whenever there were people around, the cat would pretend to be cute and play around with the balls of yarn that were always lying around. As soon as anyone turned their backs though, he would try and dig his claws into my achilles tendon, which I wasn’t really comfortable with, as I needed them to walk properly.

So yeah, cats and myself, not a good combination.

I also seem to be allergic to them, so that’s another cross against their name. Basically they have no real redeeming qualities, the only thing that is somewhat impressive is the fact that they can clean themselves (dogs are pretty lazy in that regard). Otherwise, what’s the fuss?

Am I alone here on this?

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.