In Her Dreams, Maybe.

The Girlfriend tends to have rather outlandish tastes and opinions at the best of times. After all, she is a fan of Alanis Morissette, she seems to think it’s okay to beat me with my own arm, and she absolutely adores cats, despite their repeated attempts to kill me. She also seems to think the Spanish actor Javier Bardem is a sexy beast, and it’s really beginning to annoy me.

Javier Bardem - Beginning to annoy Shaun.

You know who Javier Bardem is, right? He has starred in movies such as No Country For Old Men, Collateral and recently, Vicky Christina Barcelona. He is of course most famous for his role as Penelope Cruz’s lover, which he performs in “real life”, as industry people say.

Anyhoo, back to the subject at hand, I often find her (The Girlfriend, not Penelop Cruz) sitting at the computer, staring dreamily at the screen. “How sweet,” I will muse, “She is obviously reading my blog, or perhaps staring at my Speedo pics I uploaded to my Facebook profile the other day, the ones where my balls looked huge, and I resembled a young and promising Freddie Prinze Jnr, before he made horrible career choices. I shall now take her.”

I will then usually sneak up behind her, preparing to pin her to the bed, only to discover with great disappointment that she is in fact, visiting the Spanish lothario’s official website. (I don’t know whether he is a lothario, or what it actually means, but I like the way it rolls off my tongue, so I’m just throwing it in there)

The other day whilst fooling around on the bathroom floor, The Girlfriend made me wear a Javier Bardem mask, which I wasn’t too keen on, as I was then also required to speak Spanish in a gruff yet sultry manner, which she KNOWS I battle with, as my voice tends to be shrill and high pitched, and my Spanish decidedly rusty.

So what’s the attraction with this guy? I could somehow get my head around her maybe yearning for a Brad Pitt or a Tom Cruise, as they both have lovely complexions and shapely, muscular thighs. (I’m just saying) But Javier Bardem? I dunno. She describes him as “ugly sexy” and says he is her pick for the “indiscretion clause” in the contracts we have, which basically allows for once-off shenanigans with your choice should the opportunity arise.

Apparently I’m also allowed to choose someone, although she got a little antsy when I immediately blurted out that I would choose the sexy neighbour from across the street, as this clause apparently only applies to CELEBRITIES. Understandably, some awkwardness and a stiff kick to my groin ensued, and I am now forbidden from standing near the window when Daniella is prancing around in that little white number she is so fond of.

Mmmm.

What was I talking about?

Oh yes, so the question to the ladies then, is this – are any of you feeling Mr Bardem’s vibe?

Mr Bardem - Ladies, will you tap that?

Give me a shout and let me know, because I think I’m missing something here.

PS: This pic included his winky, which I decided to cut out, as it made me feel uncomfortable, and would no doubt have offended the thousands of church goers who are regular visitors to this site.

Thanks.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.

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