January 6, 2009
My New Nemesis
My New Neighbour: Sent by God to annoy me.
Sleep is one of my favourite past times, after making love, eating, and having my tender feet rubbed. Sleep is something I try and do at least once a day, sometimes twice if I’m lucky, although motorists and traffic officers seem to frown upon me taking power naps whilst the traffic lights are red.
My sleep has taken a bit of a knock recently however, due to the sudden arrival of an unwanted guest. No, I’m not referring to Some Other Guy (although he is also an unwanted guest, and keeps putting his photos up on my Facebook profile. Very annoying)
No, I am referring to a blackbird, who has recently decided to take up residence outside my toilet window. Usually I wouldn’t fuss about this, as birds often try and set up residence there. Five minutes into my 7:20am sit down usually sends them packing though (a few months back a pigeon even went so far as to hurl himself into oncoming traffic, after filling his lungs with the aroma of my morning special).
This bird however, seems to be made of sterner stuff, and seems unconcerned with the formidable scent. What really grates me about this guy (I know he is a guy bird, because he is always flashing his winky around inappropriately, he seems to think he is rather well hung) is that he INSISTS on singing and making bird noises at 3am in the morning. I mean really, that’s not bird-like behaviour is it?
For the last two nights now, I’ve had to climb out from under The Girlfriend and shout and rave like a mad man, trying to scare him off. He will fly off for a while, and then return about 5 minutes later, JUST as I have started to slink back into sleep, and then start the whole performance again. It’s not as if he has a good voice either, it’s shit and off-key, and he struggles to reach the high notes. Honestly, I don’t know much about birds – well, the ones that fly – but I’m pretty sure that this isn’t normal?
Are birds not meant to be morning creatures? I am very perplexed by all this.
Last night I even tried poking him with the large stick The Girlfriend keeps in her purse to fend off Big Issue vendors, but this failed to work either, as he nonchalantly sidestepped my feeble attacks with graceful aplomb.
Seriously, how do I get rid of this thing? I could buy a cat that could eat him, but I have my reservations about cats as well, as I find them evil and generally rather work-shy.
Needing some help here, people.
shaun,
u should feed them lays lightly salted crisps. it’s a well known fact that this makes there stomachs explode.
@Roger Wilco,
Thanks for that. By the way, have you ever heard of capital letters?
You write like a small child.
Pellet Gun
Shaun,(please note capital letter), I am unsure of the evidence of salty lays (and those 2 words make me feel uncomfortable), however, I do believe that Eno or or any antacid should cause the bird too explode. Apparently birds cannot pass gas, hence the cause of the explosion. But be weary, try and ensure that the offending guest is over your neighbours house so that you do not have to clean the mess. Also, just ensure that no SPCA members see you.
Maybe “LovingHusband” asked Gad to send it to punish you?
@Michael – if you want the experience of an STD without any of the nasty side effects, try “sweet chilli lays”
That’s mean, and just silly. Just put some sort of spikes or stuff on the windowsill so that it can’t land there, that’s the easiest way to get rid of it.
Some great ideas here guys, thanks for all the feedback. Will keep you posted on developments as they occur.
In real time.
Like you’re watching CNN or Sky.
Place a sheet of metal covered with bird seed on your window ledge and hook it up to a car battery… worked for me in ’05.
Otherwise add more cabbage to your diet, this should add an extra WHACK to your much blogged about cabbage farts during your morning business time.
-Mike out
Hey Shaun, what’s the latest on the noisy bird?
Hey Karen,
The bird has since moved on to the neighbours on the 2nd floor. I am thus content.
That is all.
I just spoke to the RSPCA (not RSPB), they said shoot it away ! – no I misheard as aircon on full – shoo it away… I have to work at home and have the door open for air/ heat extraction, and now it’s been 6 weeks!, It, or they (now 2 of them) are constant from 5 AM!!! :-( , they say cut all trees and bushes away/down…. – I don’t think so, tomor I have a plan…. – Can anyone help? !!!