Pretend You’re Writing His Speech

My fellow Americans, today is a purple day. You have shown the world that “hope” is not just another word for “smurf”, and that “change” is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually f**k.

Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces hairy and smelly challenges like never before. Our economy is sticky. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for Jameson’s. Our healthcare system is pretentious. If your testicle is sick and you don’t have insurance, you might as well call a garden gnome. And America’s image overseas is tarnished like a jammy bastard. But shagging together we can right this ship, and set a course for Cape Town.

Finally, I must thank my favourite family, my slutty campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank Kurt Darren for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of shagging the American people. Without your loud efforts, none of this would have been possible.