A Minor One.

Oh f**k. What now?

So I was in a car accident a few weeks back – not a major one mind you, I didn’t die or anything. In fact, I wasn’t even in the car at the time, but it was still a traumatic event and understandably I needed to bury my head into the bosom of the large-breasted Varsity College student who witnessed the whole thing. (note to The Girlfriend: I kid, I kid)

It got me thinking though, what are the processes involved when you’re in a minor car accident? So I asked around, did a little research and thus can now present to you the following, in a point by point format:

1) Get The Details
The first thing to do after the accident is to jot down the other driver’s license plate number, make, as well as model of vehicle. It’s important to be vigilant, as if the other driver is at fault, they are likely to try and drive away. South Africans, and especially ones who live near the coast, are inherently dishonest and will try and make a break for it, so it’s important to get their details as quickly as possible. If you don’t have a pen at hand, saying their license plate number out loud, and continuously repeating it until you can write it down, is also an effective option. People may think you’re weird or mentally disabled though, so it’s best to just have a pen nearby at all times.

2) Call the Police
You might be under the impression that the police are called only if it’s a major car accident, if somebody’s hurt, or if you’re looking to buy a cheap car radio. In actual fact though, the police should be called no matter how minor the accident, particularly if your car is going to be needing some repairs. The police report will help the insurance companies determine who is responsible for paying, so remember to have them on speed dial, or shuffle over to the nearest police station to file a report and get a case number.

3) Make sure nobody is hurt
Check yourself and the passengers in your vehicle for any injuries, scratches, bruises or disorientation. If the person responsible for the accident is a well known or famous personality, it may be beneficial to claim a back and neck injury, as this may result in financial reward in the form of a bribe, especially if they are under the influence of alcohol at the time. Pretending you have whiplash is always a popular option, as it is very difficult to prove otherwise.

4) Look for witnesses
If the accident happened in sight of a pedestrian, shop, or other drivers, ask them to stay on the scene until the police arrive so that they can provide statements. If possible, get their name and phone number. If you are responsible for the accident however, this would obviously not be in your interest. Here, mild intimidation and threatening innuendo work wonders and will ensure that the “witnesses” retract any silly statements they may have hastily made.

5) File a claim with your insurance company
This is normally a happy time for the driver, as he can reward himself with gifts. If the boot of your car was smashed, claim that your Playstation 3, plasma television, iPod and your iPhone were carefully nestled there. Insurance companies love reimbursing you with expensive electronic goods, and will gladly accept any story you give them, no matter how implausible.

So there you go, another life lesson taught right here, in this very yard. I’m going to go out for a while now, but when I return, I expect you to all be gone, as I want to use the toilet, and I get shy when there is company around.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.