Outside The HQ

So I was strolling out of The HQ this morning, happily whistling the pop smash, “Jizz In My Pants“. Just then, I looked up and saw a familiar looking bloke, someone I had previously gone to school with. Normally I would just pretend I never saw him, and continue on my merry way. Our eyes locked though, so he knew I saw him, and I knew he recognised me.

His eyes lit up brightly, like an 8 year old who gets the Playstation 3 he wanted for Christmas, instead of the Walt Disney puzzles his father had been saying he would get instead, and he skipped over to my path, wanted to make small talk.

“Hey Shaun,” he said merrily.

“Hey buddy,” I responded affectionately, not sure of his name.

I didn’t get a chance to figure it out though, as he fell like a ton of bricks to the ground. Was he dead? No, he seemed to be breathing, but this certainly unsettled me.

I was just about to give him CPR, when I realised what had happened. I had forgotten to brush my teeth that morning, something which ALWAYS happens on Thursdays, bizarrely enough.

I quickly ran back inside to The HQ where I found The Girlfriend, who was also comatose. She had collapsed on the kitchen floor just before I left that morning, but I assumed it was because I had asked her for money, as it’s a trick I often use to deter people asking me for things.

So yes, not the ideal way to start a Thursday, I’m sure you will agree.

I brushed my teeth, put some smelling salts under The Girlfriend’s nose, and skipped out. My old high school mate was just starting to come around on the pavement, so I had to carefully sneak passed him as well.

Otherwise things would have just been awkward.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.