Bootlegs Just Won’t Cut It.

This Is What We Are Talking About

Now for those of you who know me, you will of course be well aware of my muscular thighs, my finely chiseled calves, and the rather charming pair of ankles I happen to have. You will of course then, also be aware of my enormous feet, which both resemble medium sized motorboats, and is pretty much the sole reason why I nearly made the South African Olympic swimming team in 1996.

To offset my large feet, I used to rely on optical illusion, forcing my tootsies into ill-fitting crocodile leather shoes, as they were supposed to be slimming and bring my shoe size down from the behemoth 15 to a more respectable 8.

Wearing too-small shoes left me walking around in an awkward Geisha-like manner however, and left me with low self esteem, as it firstly prevented me from running around briskly, and secondly lead to the dogs and cats in the neighbourhood regularly roughing me up, as my unique walking style seemed to leave them mentally unhinged and wanting to taste my blood, something I obviously wasn’t too keen on.

Thus, I decided to ditch the croc leathers and settle for flared jeans, as it suitably covered my feet and left me looking like a normal slightly effeminate man.

Unfortunately, the cynical bitch that is fashion has decided that flared jeans are no longer mainstream, and I can no longer find them in stores. This troubles me, as the thought of wearing skinny jeans leaves me feeling cold and apprehensive. I could also never do that to my testicles, as they have grown up used to the freedom and comfort of loose-fitting jeans attire, and it just wouldn’t be fair on them to now go for the more constrictive route.

The Levi’s 782 jeans were mentioned as viable flared options, but are there any other jeans I can check out in the city? Bootlegs are not the same, they actually need to be flared nicely at the bottom, like the bell bottom pants long-haired hippies would merrily prance around in back in the 70’s, just minutes before they were then beaten over the heads by over-zealous cops working for the Man.

So, any cool stores or labels you know selling flared jeans in Cape Town, give me a shout.

Preferably in a 36 waist… Yes, I said 36.

What?

Don’t judge me, I have wide hips.

Oakes signing off.

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