But You Do Anyway Because You Are Really Weird.

It’s Monday and I am not in the mood to write anything of substance. Instead, I am content to just sit here and smell weird odours which would usually disgust me on any other day, but which I am finding quite alluring right now.

Seeing as it’s October, and it’s been about two months since we lost spoke (we will bring that up in another post) I thought I would share some of my favorites with you, like a young man sharing his last Rolo with the large-breasted girl he wants to have sex with, but is intimidated by because she has already slept with all his friends, and besides which, he is still a virgin who suspects his winky may be too small to sufficiently satisfy her.

Odour 1: Your finger after you have worn a ring on a warm Summer’s day.
It’s a horrible scent, but my God is it also an addictive one. I get great solace from this smell when I’m feeling down and melancholic, and I regularly try and share it with others. The Girlfriend is not so keen on smelling it though, and nearly bit the tip off my ring finger the last time I tried shoving it under her nose. Nevertheless, it is a scent truly worth treasuring.

The Ring: It's a hot day, pull it off and smell that bad boy.

Odour 2: Your hair after a week of not washing it.
The year 2004 was a magical one, in which I could be found sporting a studded earring, a gold chain, and a sleek, Michael-Jackson-90′s-era-esque mullet. The mullet look was obtained through persistent hair straightening, and the stubborn refusal to wash my hair for many weeks. An oily, slightly onion-flavored scent it may have given, but it was an aroma that I will forever hold close to my heart.

Shaun in the 90s: Resembling a young John Stamos.

Odour 3: Your fingers after cutting your toenails.
Contrary to popular belief, my shoe size is actually an 8, rather than the often quoted 10. I managed to obtain the much-valued added length, through the careful cultivation of my toenails, which I maintain carefully through the rigorous use of varnishing applications, nail filing as well as dedicated buffering. Sometimes, during warm days where slip slops are the preferred foot attire, The Girlfriend will threaten me with physical harm unless I agree to clip them. Suffice to say, the smell it leaves on my fingers is something which could forever haunt me, were not for the fact that I am then forced to wash them thoroughly with detergents and other anti-bacterial soaps.

Toenails: Shaun has beautiful ones.

Odour 4: Your skin after sitting on the beach all day.
The recipe is a simple one – apply copious amounts of sun screen to the body, bake in the sun for several hours, and then sit back and enjoy. After a hard day on the beach under the unforgiving African sun, my skin emits a sweet and sometimes even a sour smell, that will have me alienating and unsettling everyone around me, as I sniff my arms and hands, like a young dog belonging to the girl you have just started dating, who embarrasses you by aggressively smelling your crotch area, after you unwisely decided to give a few showers a miss, naively thinking that it would release the pheromones that may see her go down on you that evening in your car.

Suntanning: Shaun showing off his famous thighs.

Odour 5: I think four from my side is enough. Feel free to throw in some of your favorites here. I know you all have them. Don’t be shy, we are all friends here.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.