A Shaun Oakes Guide

How To Avoid Paying For Drinks

It’s Tuesday, and it’s time for another recession busting money saving tip for you, as well as you and especially YOU over there, yes you, the guy who is maxing out his credit card, in the vain hope that he will get to sleep with the rather high maintenance chick with the penchant for Moët et Chandon.

Now, you all remember my last money saving guide right? Yes, that proved to be a rather popular one. This time around we are going to narrow things down a bit, and look at clubs and bars in particular.

We all enjoy a night out at a club or bar don’t we? I certainly do, although having to pay for copious amounts of drinks would certainly leave me feeling bitter and resentful the next morning. Thankfully I am not bitter or resentful however, as I regularly employ the following techniques, which I will now share with you, in a point by point fashion.

1) Observe The 15 Minute Rule
“Shaun, what is the 15 Minute Rule?” I hear you crying out. It’s simple really, whenever you are out and about, always work out the estimated time you will be staying at the venue, together with the number of guests in your party. If there are three of you hanging out at a pub, and you estimate that you will be there for approximately 1 hour, that equates to four rounds (1 drink at 15 minutes a pop - you are drinking at a leisurely pace) Using this ratio, it makes sense then that you buy the third round, rather than the first. At the current rate of drinking, the patsy who has bought the first round will end up buying the fourth and last round as well, something you would not really be keen on doing. So in summary, don’t go and be the hero who whips out his wallet first. Bide your time, and make a healthy saving.

2) Maintain The Quarter Full Savings Plan
If you are angling to be a dick for the night and not pay for ANY drinks, be sure to maintain the quarter full savings plan. Basically, hold back slightly on your drink whilst your friends finish their ones, ensuring that you have approximately a quarter volume left in your glass or bottle. Once they finish their beverages, they will usually start making murmuring sounds about getting another. Stay calm, and coolly sip on your beverage. Realising that you are still having your drink, they will grow impatient and head over to the bar, but not before asking whether you are okay. This is usually a token gesture on their part but it’s important that you take full advantage of their politeness. Look at your quarter-full drink for a second, pretend as if you are mulling things over, and then agree with their request to get you another. Because it’s down to a quarter, you should be able to easily consume it whilst they are away at the bar. Keep doing this during the night, and you will find that your friends will pay for all your drinks.

3) Charm The Drunks, They Will Throw Their Money At You
There is nothing better than bumping into an old acquaintance at a bar or club, especially one that is completely and utterly hammered. Depending on your social standing, they will usually be extremely happy to see you, and may even go so far as to hug or inappropriately touch you. It’s important not to freak out or show your distaste for them, but rather humour them for a few minutes with arbitrary small talk, all the while carefully shepherding them toward the bar. Once they realise where they are, their eyes will quickly light up, their wallets or purses will appear, and drinks will be sent your way in a timely fashion. Once you have a drink, you can nimbly sidestep away to the next patsy friend.

4) Play The Toilet Card. Often
Sometimes you can be out with obnoxious sorts, who will demand that you buy a drink for them, irrespective of the fact that you still have a quarter Amstel in your hand. In these instances, simply refuse to get them a round - whenever it looks as if it’s time for you to go to the bar, simply walk backward in a slow steady manner, ensuring that they cannot easily see what you are doing. (After a few drinks, the human being’s vision is based on rapid movement, like a T-Rex.) Slowly edge away, and then disappear in the bathroom for about 3 minutes or so, enough time for one of your friends to go to the bar instead, and thus saving you another round.

And there you go - four fairly simplistic techniques which are both powerful and effective. Carrying these out in a disciplined manner should see you make massive savings when going out, I regularly spend + - R20 at a time on all night benders using these tactics, so you should find the same level of success.

Good luck.

Now go and conquer.

Oakes signing off.

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