The Ones Who Annoy Me

It’s Sunday evening and, being in a reflective mood after consuming copious amounts of Jameson, I thought I would share with you a list I am compiling of people who annoyed me this past week. If given the opportunity, I’m fairly certain I would punch each and every one of them in the mouth, several times in certain instances. Without further do, let’s have a look at them:

#1 - The Big Issue Vendor Who Works Around The Corner From Wembley Square (Cape Town)

Reason - For pretending to be incredibly happy and bubbly, when he clearly isn’t. “Hello sir, how are you? Me, I am just fine - 120%!” he will say excitedly whilst doing a little jig in the street, as I desperately try and ignore him at the traffic lights. Let’s be honest, there is no way a Big Issue Vendor can be that happy with his lot in life. He is clearly being condescending and more than a little patronising toward me, for reasons that are not immediately clear to me at this point. The only way I would be that happy and clappy, is if I had $100 million in my bank account, drove a vintage sports car, and had an immense 15 inch piece. Sure, one out of three isn’t bad, but until I have the trifecta, I will continue to be bitter and resentful. Oh, and to top it off, when I did buy one of his magazines, he didn’t even have change for me, so I ended up paying R20 for something which usually costs R12 (I think).

#2 - The Little Boy Who Sold Me A R12 Can of Coke on Saturday

Reason - Because I then found out that everyone else was selling it for R10. To cut a long story short, we went to the Diwali Festival at Ratanga Junction on Saturday, as The Girlfriend enjoys learning about other cultures, and I was keen on seeing some hot Indian chicks like they have on those Bollywood DVDs I get from my friend Sergio. Unfortunately, when we arrived, instead of being greeted by Aishwarya Rai or Riya Sen lookalikes, we found ourselves surrounded by mostly middle-aged men with moustaches. To make matters worse, a little kid came up to me and offered me a can of coke for R12. Although I thought it was slightly pricey, I assumed this was the going rate and took it off his clammy little hands. Imagine my surprise then to discover that everyone was in fact selling it for R2 less. I don’t often punch kids in the mouth, as their mothers generally tend to get quite uncomfortable about this, but I would certainly make an exception with him.

#3 - The Chick Who I Greeted At Gardens Centre, And Then Didn’t Acknowledge Me

Reason - Because everyone saw me lifting my hand, nodding my head and saying “Hey, how are you?” in Woolies. Instead of warmly reciprocating my greeting however, she instead took a sharp right, scuttling off to the aisle where they sell muffins and those mini frosted doughnuts I love and secretly want to sleep with, leaving me looking like a prized tit. It wouldn’t have been that bad if no one was around to share my humiliation, but I could actually hear the gay couple behind simultaneously going “fhhh, oooh”, whilst both pulling the face you make when you cut your finger whilst slicing carrots. A grimace, I think it’s called. She clearly heard me greeting, Woolworths are not known for playing loud music in the store. She also could not claim to not know me, she did after all have sex with a friend of mine in MY car a few years back outside Springbok Pub in Newlands. I even helpfully drove her home, whilst my friend had his face buried in her cleavage. A simple “hello” would have sufficed. Now you will instead get a punch on the bottom lip.

…

And that is all. Not too bad a week then, I usually have about ten people I would like to strike, so this is probably a new record.

Let me know how your one has been.

I will pretend to listen.

Oakes signing off.

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