How To Be Awesome In Public

Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell from Old School - Completely Nailing His Public Speaking Engagement.

So the other day I found myself giving a lecture at a prominent Cape Town tertiary institution (it rhymes with You See Tea). Although speaking in public is not something I particularly enjoy (I am far more comfortable swearing in public, or shouting incoherently at large crowds) I nevertheless pulled it off with style and aplomb, with 92% of the audience agreeing that it was utterly brilliant, with the other 8% having walked out after an opening joke about my third testicle.

Seeing as it’s Tuesday, traditionally a day of learning, I thought I would share some tips and techniques with you regarding public speaking, which will help you come across as a skillful and confident orator.

#1 – Don’t Bother Learning Your Material
The best speeches and lectures are ones that are completely off the cuff. Don’t waste your time trying to remember lines off the top of your head. Walk up there without having a clue about what you are going to say and just go with it. The brain has a defense mechanism that will kick in whenever it senses that public humiliation is imminent. Try it, you will find that you will quickly start talking about your chosen topic in a natural, easy-going manner – even if you have no idea what you are talking about. I regularly give talks on macro-economic policy changes in sub-Saharan Africa, as there is a Namibian economist called Shaun Oakes, and I regularly get his invitations for speaking events. Thus far, I have yet to be caught out, and if I can get away with it, so can you.

#2 – Alienate And Antagonize Your Audience
Something I am fond of doing before a public speaking engagement is mingling with the audience beforehand. The aim here is to insult and offend as many of them as possible in the quickest amount of time. Remember, you probably only have about 10 minutes before you are due to speak to really work a crowd, so it’s important to be as efficient as possible. With smaller crowds I usually look to insult about 4 or 5 of the uglier members of an audience, as people tend to think you’re a dick when you mock people about the way they look, and resentment will spread at a fairly rapid rate. If you are pushed for time though, and are presenting to a fairly large crowd, try punching a small child in the solar plexus. If there are no children around, a short bald man will also do. Tall people or males with large under-bites should generally be avoided though, as they tend to hit back, you are specifically looking at soft targets that you can easily take in a brawl. This is a powerful technique which should have the audience cursing your name, which is a good thing. Remember, a hostile audience is an attentive one.

#3 – Realise That People Want You To Fail
Everyone hates public speaking, this is a fact of life. The two most widespread fears people have worldwide is the fear of dying and the fear of public speaking. Because of this innate fear, they enjoy watching others suffer, and will secretly will them to fail, as the human spirit is conditioned to resent and envy the success of others. Therefore, it’s important to go in with the mindset that the audience are sitting there, staring at you, hoping that you will fail. Realising this will bring great clarity and calmness to your inner being, as you adopt the “It’s Me Against The World” mentality that all top sportsmen embrace. So remember, the members of the audience are not your friends, they are there to see you fail. Prove them wrong and nail your lecture / presentation / speech. Then rub their noses in it thereafter. As one does.

#4 – Repeat Yourself Often And… Repeatedly
There is nothing worse than finishing a speech or presentation, only to find that the audience cannot remember anything you have just said. To counter this, repeat things over and over again, especially when you have nothing else to say, and are trying to buy some time. If nothing else, your audience should find you rather memorable thereafter. To counter this, repeat things over and over again, especially when you have nothing else to say, and are trying to buy some time. If nothing else, your audience should find you rather memorable thereafter. See what I did there? Exactly.

#5 – Picture Yourself Naked In Front Of An Audience
We are usually at our most comfortable when we are naked, be it when we are showering, taking a bath, or fooling around on the cold kitchen floor. Thus, a great technique to eradicate nerves is to imagine that you are completely naked in front of your audience, who are of course all fully clothed. This should immediately put you at ease and, with the aid of the other techniques mentioned above, should ensure that you completely ace your public speaking engagement.

Do you have any decent public speaking tips? Well, keep them to yourself, nobody cares what you think.

The tips above are all you really need. If you really feel that you have anything constructive to add though, make a comment and I will attempt to humour you.

Oakes signing off.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.