We Make A Startling Discovery

I was walking down the street this weekend, bobbing and weaving, as well as rocking and a rolling, to the sounds of the Right Said Fred wedding favourite, “I’m Too Sexy“.

“I’m, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurrrrrrts,” I belted out in my famous falsetto, the high pitched yet angelic voice which The Girlfriend finds so alluring.

Just then, I noticed a man approaching me gingerly, the way a ninja may approach someone before killing them with a fearsome ninja chop to the throat. He didn’t really look like a ninja though, so I wasn’t that afraid, but he did look like a vagrant, which made me uneasy as it meant potentially having to part with money. Just as I was about to ignore his existence, he fell over into a nearby hedge, falling on top of an old man who appeared to be hiding there.

“What a bizarre thing to happen,” I thought to myself, and was about to just write it off as one of those things, when I noticed a pigeon falling from the sky, together with two seagulls, a para-glider, and a guy in a superman outfit.

“What the f**k is going on here?” I wondered aloud, and quickly looked around for someone to complain to and somehow pin this all on Julius Malema, who was no doubt responsible for all the shenanigans taking place.

It was then that I turned around and noticed the chaos that had occurred behind me, which I was completely oblivious to whilst belting out my pop ditty. Postmen were laid out next to their bicycles, mothers had passed out next to the prams they were carrying, there was a butcher, a baker and a candle stick maker all sprawled out on the street.

In a panic, I quickly dashed home, made a beeline for the bathroom and began scrubbing my feet. I suspect it was the black leather sandals I wear which, when coming into contact with my bare toes on a hot December’s day, gives off a bit of a bad vibe.

Anyhoo, so if you woke up in a daze in Canterbury street off Kloof this weekend, and didn’t know your arse from your elbow, sorry about that, that was completely my fault.

Oakes signing off.

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