From This Past Week

It’s a warm yet windy Sunday afternoon in Cape Town, and instead of sitting on a beach getting sand blown in my face, I am instead sitting on my couch at the HQ, sipping on some Simonsig Chenin Blanc I found in the fridge, whilst gently feeling up The Girlfriend as she haves her afternoon nap.

In this reflective state, it’s only fitting then that I talk about the people who annoyed me over the last few days. So without further ado:

#1 – The Blonde Woman at Woolies on Saturday

Reason – For putting her jail bait daughter in the line whilst she did her shopping.

Woolworths in Gardens Centre is always a bit of a circus on Saturday morning, with long queues of people waiting to pay for their organic fried pork and free range chicken. I was standing behind a chick with a tiny denim skirt and a black boob tube top, and was in the process of checking out her well defined calf muscles when she suddenly whipped out a Miley Cyrus branded cellphone and starting texting someone. Obviously she must have been about 15 (I hope) although in my defense, she did look she was 16, which of course would have been acceptable.

Hey? It’s not? Oh, wait you obviously misheard me then, what I said was, in my defense, did look she was 18, which of course would have been acceptable.

Anyhoo, that’s not even the point of the story, she was standing in the line with nothing but her Miley Cyrus cellphone when suddenly – as she arrived at the front of the line – her mom appeared out of nowhere with a trolley full of groceries. The mom would have of course gotten SUCH an earful from me, if it weren’t for my chronic fear of confrontation.

So she dodged a bullet in that regard. But I still wanted to punch her in the mouth though. So she makes this week’s list.
#2 – The Hooligan who kicked my side mirror on Tuesday

Reason – Erm… because he kicked my side mirror on Tuesday?

No long explanation here. Basically I parked my car. Went to my dealer, who sells me imported El-Grande condoms, and returned to my car. It was upon arrival, that I noticed my side mirror dangling limply, the way your winky might hang, after you have watched porn while your girlfriend is away.

Obviously, in the five minutes it took me to greet my dealer, make arb small talk, and enquire as to my stash of El-Grande’s, someone had walked over to my beloved car (the Fastest Car in Cape Town) and had kicked the mirror with considerable force.

Granted, I may have been parked over someone’s drive way at the time, but is that really a reason to take it out on a defenseless automobile? I am presently still going through the security tapes looking for the perpetrator, but this is definitely someone I will be wanting to punch in the mouth.

#3 – The Guy who sat in front of me at the cinema this week

Reason – Because he kept laughing at inappropriate times.

We were not watching a comedy. Why did he keep laughing at serious parts of the film? Was he saying that the dialogue was corny? I didn’t think the dialogue was corny. I thought it was riveting. For that reason, he annoyed me, and for that reason, he will also be getting a punch in the mouth.
…

And that is that then. I kind of lost interest toward the end there, did you notice? The first one was fairly longish, and then I kind of trailed off a bit with the other two. I just thought you would have lost interest a bit if this post became too long and wordy.

That’s how much I care about you.

It’s not laziness, it’s empathy.

I love you. Come here, I’m going to kiss you on your cheek.

What?

Oh, I brushed your boob?

Whammy.

Oakes signing off.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.