A Quick and Dirty Look

It’s coming down to the last two weeks before Christmas and, if you are one of those people who celebrate it, than you will no doubt be aware of the pressing need to buy gifts for people, for fear of them hating you for the rest of the year.

Fear not though, as usual, I have decided to help you out, and have compiled a tactical list which you can follow which should greatly assist you in obtaining gifts for your friends, loved ones, and people you are just hoping to sleep with.

Here goes:

1) Gifts For Your Lovers
Now, I don’t know about you, but the thought of spending money on other people tends to leave me with a knot in my stomach, and a pain in my chest. Unfortunately when it comes to your lovers, you are somewhat obliged to get them a gift, it is pretty non-negotiable. A quick and easy way to get around this is to simply buy them something that you want. For instance, your girlfriend has been dropping hints about that gold pendant at the jewellery store for months now. It makes perfect sense then, to get her a PlayStation 3, or a new sound system. Sure, she may get angry at first, and may even attempt to aggressively insert the gift into an orifice which belongs to you. Realistically, she will soon realise that it is impossible – the PS3 is a large piece of hardware – and will eventually give up, leaving you with an angry girlfriend, but more importantly, a PlayStation 3 as well.

Your Girlfriend: About to receive a Playstation 3.

2) Gifts For Your Friends / Co-Workers
Friends are usually very easy from a gifting perspective. A tactic which has worked well for me over the years is simply to steal something belonging to them a few weeks before the birthday / Christmas / gifting event. To give you an example, a favourite ploy of mine is to steal a shoe belonging to one of them, usually the right one. Once their gift is unwrapped, they will be so relieved and happy to be re-united with their missing shoe that they will completely overlook the fact that you haven’t really gotten them a gift, despite the fact that a R250 gift limit was agreed upon, and they went out of their way to find you the limited edition DVD box set of the Backstreet Boys – Chapter One.

Your Co-Worker: About to receive the keyboard you stole from him a week earlier.

3) Gifts For Your Family
Gifting for family is even easier, as they tend to be incredibly forgiving, due to the fact that you are related by blood. Besides using the above tactics on occasion (my Mom cried tears of joy when I returned her stolen car, together with my Dad who I had kept in the boot) you can also make use of recycled gifts. Usually, you have one or two uncles and aunts who insist on getting you a gift as a token gesture, no matter how crap or inappropriate. It’s because of family members such as these, that I now own a special box containing Mickey Mouse underpants in various sizes, copious amounts of Blue Stratos deodorants, a luminous green money bag that tourists would wear when they want to get mugged in Adderley Street, and a large garden gnome. Depending on my mood, I occasionally dive in there to whip out an emergency gift or two.

So if you happen to receive a yellow pencil case with Hansie Cronje’s face on it, you will understand the history behind it.

Your Godson: About to receive a Hansie Cronje moonbag.

And there you go, no excuses for gifts now.

Oakes signing off.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.