Another Shaun Oakes Life Lesson

Dude, there is a time and place. This is not it.

Because here is what happens - she leaves you to go off for a few hours and, as is often the case in these situations, you soon happen to find yourself in front of your computer, watching a 25 minute XXX DVD given to you by the short, creepy guy who works at the local video store and still lives with his mom. As mentioned, the movie itself is 25 minutes - but it’s a pretty good one featuring some of your favourite porn stars - and so thus, approximately 4 minutes later, you’re now lazing across the couch, casually sipping on a glass of neat Jameson and smiling contently at a job well done.

It’s of course a given then that your girlfriend will promptly return earlier than expected and immediately demand sex with you. Now, unless you are a Lothario who can have sex 7 times a night (and if you are, then I deeply resent you and wish you nothing but ill fortune) you know that there is more chance of you getting hit by a meteor than this actually occurring.

However, admitting to watching dirty Milf porn involving middle-aged women with large inflatable breasts could very easily lead to a sharp knife forcefully entering your thigh, and you are in no mood for another late night visit to the nearby Medi Clinic. So you reluctantly take off your pants, do the mandatory 5 minutes of foreplay and then painfully take in the awkward conversation which follows, as she patronisingly assures you that “this happens to everyone” and “you’re just under a lot stress”.

And that, dear friends, is why you should NEVER watch porn when your girlfriend is away.

95% of the time, you come off looking like a wally with erection problems.

Oakes signing off.

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