Yay or Nay.

So late last year a rather interesting crossword themed t-shirt managed to find it’s way into my wardrobe. Not quite sure what to make of it, some days I think I love it, other times I want to bury it in the back yard. Let’s put it to the public vote, after Some Other Guy kindly volunteered to model it for us.

The Crossword T-Shirt.

Oakes signing off.

From Me To You

Although The Girlfriend and my family don’t understand it, many people seem to find me funny, or at least mildly amusing, and will often comment how great it must be to meet me in person.

In many instances though, they seem to be disappointed, partly because I am much shorter and balder than what they expected, but also because I tend to be a quiet and humble soul, rather different to the image they had of me.

In the interests of transparency then, I thought it would be fitting to set the record straight here today. If you met me at a dinner party, braai, or wild orgy, and I came across as a rather quiet, introverted and slightly overweight young man, rest assured that it’s not because I am shy.

It’s simply because I am bored and am mentally plotting how I’m going to kill you.

That is all.

Oakes signing off.

People You Will Never Meet In Your Life

So, I think a while back I may have mentioned my Facebook Fan page and the fact that there is quite a bit of unique content there you wouldn’t see anywhere else?

Well, here is just a small taste of what you can find there - namely, amazing shots of famous celebrities rubbing shoulders with me, together with a brief write up of their vibe. Here with a small taste:

Shaun. Chilling With Obama.

Sharing a joke with Barack Obama, who is the president of the USA. He seems like a decent guy, although he totally stole a joke I told him about women with small feet, and then claimed it as his own.

Everyone in his entourage laughed when he told the joke, which kind of pissed me off, but I let him have his moment as he has been dealing with a lot of shit lately.

Shaun. At The Golden Globes With Angelina.

Chilling at the Golden Globes with Angelina Jolie. Didn’t really expect that to be honest. There I was, chilling on the red carpet, looking for The Girlfriend, who had spotted her crush, Javier Bardem, and had dashed off to speak to him.

Just as I was about to dissolve into a puddle of awkwardness, Angelina pops up at my side, and starts asking me about the orphans in South Africa, and how much she would need to pay for one.

Suddenly, dozens of photographers surrounded us and it felt like hundreds of pics were taken. Her husband Brad Pitt then showed up and he seemed pissed off. At first, I thought it was because he had a shit moustache (which he had to grow for Inglorious Basterds) but it turns out that Brad is quite a jealous guy, and the two started screaming at each other. Next thing you know, Angelina is telling him that she is through with him and he can go back to Jen (whoever that is)

Interesting night.

Shaun. Jamming With Mr Seagal. And His Shitty Band

Having a jam session with Steven Seagal, legendary action star of cult movies such as Above The Law and Under Siege.

Was a little bit disappointed with Steven to be honest. Thought he would be more of a badass and was hoping someone would pick a fight with him at the bar we were at. (Stones in Observatory)

Eventually I paid someone to go up to him and tell him that Under Siege 2 was shit, and Jean Claude Van Damme would kick his ass in a fight.

Expecting Seagal to narrow his eyes and break the dude’s neck, he instead invited him to come and listen to his folk band, where he sings about himself. He also gave him an autographed copy of his book, which he had on him for some reason. Strange vibe, that Steven Seagal.

Did you enjoy that? See more over here.

Oakes signing off.

Am I The Only One?

Ugly Betty - What Is The Point?

So the other evening I crept up behind The Girlfriend and attempted to pounce on her like a ninja, as I wanted to feel her up.

“Not now” she said, whilst putting me in a headlock, “I’m watching Ugly Betty.”

As she rather cruelly refused to let me out of the hold, I was forced to contort my neck in an unnatural angle, and watch the show, which now allows me to give a somewhat opinionated view on this critically acclaimed television series. Now, apparently this is quite the hit in the States and I for one, just don’t get it.

“Is it a comedy?” - No. I didn’t laugh once, and I still laugh at the monkey who smells his finger. Simply put, it doesn’t take much to get me chuckling, and this is definitely not funny.

“Is it a drama?” - No. The show’s plot and storylines are absurd. The episode I saw involved the magazine editor’s Dad taking away his expense account, and making him pay his way for the entire month. Nothing serious or dramatic here then.

“Er… okay then. Is it an action show then?” - That would be another no. Unless you count Vanessa Williams beating up her effeminate male assistant, which seems to be a recurring theme.

So what then, is the point of Ugly Betty?

I sincerely hope that the hook isn’t just the fact that the protagonist is incredibly unattractive. (She looks like a caricature of a high school geek or loser)

Seriously? Is that the big joke?

I just don’t get it.

Oakes signing off.

An Epic Film

Avatar - As Seen By Shaun

So I went to go see Avatar the other day, and let me just say, “Wow“. I had eavesdropped on many people talking about the movie and how great the special effects were, but I was still left amazed by James Cameron. The special effects were really awesome. And blue.

I liked the blue people, the Nav… Navel… Nav’i? Whatever. They were really good and… lifelike, and… cool.

The action scenes were pretty good as well. And the acting was also quite good. The directing was really good too. And the storyline was good. Oh and the 3D? Yes, that was also good.

So yeah, all in all I would give this a Steve O rating of 5, which is the highest Steve O rating ever.

The end.

…

Sniff.

Mmm?

What was that?

You think my review was weak and vague?

You’re implying I didn’t actually see Avatar?

How dare you, I am really offended by that. You have insulted my integrity.

Hey?

Why are you asking me about the ending now? I know the ending, I saw it. Don’t try and catch me out.

…

Okay, FINE - I DIDN’T really see Avatar yet. You got me, well done, give yourself a hand.

What? You HAVEN'T Seen Us Yet?!?

How can I watch it though? Every time I try and book a ticket, it’s completely sold out. I’ve tried Cavendish and Canal Walk (the only two cinemas who have it in 3D - I don’t see the point in watching it in 2D at the Labia theatre. That would be an epic fail)

However, despite it now being more than a month since it opened, I am still greeted by the following screen:

Avatar - Sold Out. Again.

I usually hate having to sit in a full cinema, as I hate other people, and usually will go and see a film just before it ends its run in theatres. (remind me to post my latest movie review on The Hangover - it’s a beaut)

However, I’m going to have to make an exception here - I pretty much just want to get to see the film in this life time, preferably from a middle seat near the back though.

So if you have been lucky enough to see the film, was it as good as the hype suggests?

Should I bring along a fresh pants? (I’ve been told that the sheer awesomeness of the special effects will have me shitting myself)

Can anyone confirm this?

Oakes signing off.

When You Have Some Time To Kill

I was bored the other day and I thought, “Why isn’t there a crossword based game featuring facts about me”. Due to my Messiah complex, I duly then went and created one.

Have a look and give it a go. I managed to complete it in about 58 seconds flat, although I did have the advantage of being the subject matter.

If you know your facts about me, and have been reading the posts on this site for a few months, you should do okay.

Click here if the crossword doesn’t appear.

A mystery prize to whoever sends me a screenshot of the completed crossword first.

Oakes signing off.

And People I Want To Punch In The Mouth

My lofty view from The HQ penthouse allows me to view things both near and far. For example, from my vantage point, I can easily watch the young bikini-clad Swedish tourists cavorting in the pool at the Guest Lodge across the road from me.

“Why are you always standing at that window with a tumbler of whiskey in your hand?” The Girlfriend will ask suspiciously.

“I keep telling you woman, I am scanning the streets below for any suspicious characters, thus preventing crime,” I will answer defensively.

“Yes, but why is your other hand down your pants?” she will retort in a menacing manner, before making me wash both our cars wearing yellow cheeky shorts and using nothing but an old rag as a punishment for my indiscretions.

It was again whilst doing my bit to prevent crime, that I noticed that we now have new neighbours. They hadn’t moved in to the building itself however, but seemed quite content to live near the garage outside. A young couple, similar to The Girlfriend and I, except that whilst we enjoyed fine dining, taking long romantic walks, and general playful banter; they instead preferred injecting foreign substances into their arms.

We picked this up after watching them scratch and pick at sores on their arms, and also noticed the pockmarks on their faces that crack heads seem to get. Being the non-confrontational types (although they were white, they had a bit of a hardness about them, which made them a little scary) we merely “tut tutted” under our breath whenever we saw them, and left their eviction down to the company who manages the property. Unfortunately, they have again proven themselves to be as useful as the weird growth between my legs (no, not my winky before you think you’re being clever, I actually have a weird nipple like growth on my left thigh, we call him “Boris”). So much so that, seeing as they have received a relatively warm welcome, our neighbours have now gone and invited friends to come and live with them.

So now we are faced with up to 6 homeless crack heads sleeping in the little bricked off section where the washing lines are. Obviously this is not ideal, as I now cannot hang my various underpants there to dry, as heroin addicts are well know for their thievery, especially when it involves underpants.

Being crack addicts, they are also fond of wandering off during the day, so it’s hard to call the cops in to move them out, as they don’t tend to keep regular hours, and their time keeping is thus decidedly unreliable (the addicts, not the cops, I think the cops are awesome) so I’m currently facing a bit of dilemma.

How does one get rid of a bunch of heroin addicts?

Should I hire a couple of thugs to chase them away?

Do I scare them off with food? (Crack heads don’t eat apparently)

I obviously need to come up with a plan that will not have them identifying me and possibly damaging my car in the future. My car is the fastest car in Cape Town after all, and that would just be sad.

Any ideas?

Oakes signing off.

And You Catch Me Dropping The Ball

I know… I know… We’ve pretty much finished with January, and I still haven’t yet gotten (gotten? I think it’s a word) into the whole 2010 vibe as yet.

One of my “possible, not probable” New Year’s Resolutions, along with getting The Girlfriend to give me at least four sensual foot rubs in 2010, was getting more of my majestic words published in print media this year. (Mondli Makhanya of the Sunday Times, if you are reading this, let’s have coffee - well maybe a beer instead, I don’t really do coffee). Obviously, in order to achieve that this year, this blog should by now be brimming with my clever thoughts and coherent words, something which has obviously not been happening at this point.

So here goes, I have now laid down a challenge for both you and I to partake in. I will look to have a fresh post on this blog every day for the rest of the year, right up until 31 December 2010.

“But so what Shaun,” I hear you shouting, “surely we have heard similar promises in the past? You write for two weeks, and then disappear again for another three.”

“You are absolutely right,” I bellow down to you, as I sit perched on my pedestal, “but this time I will add a monetary incentive to make sure I stick to my promise.”

For every complete day that I do not put up a new post, I will give away R250 to the first person who posts it on the my Fan Page Wall. No questions asked, just say “Shaun, you have dropped the ball. It’s Wednesday morning and you have nothing to show for Tuesday. Give me my money.”

Now granted, R250 is not a lot of money, but there is not a lot of effort involved in earning it, so I think it’s a fair trade.

The only thing YOU need to do is obviously make sure you are a member of my Fan Page (join here), otherwise you will not be able to write on the wall.

Deal?

Deal.

Okay, let’s shake on it.

Mmm, you didn’t really have to spit on your hand before you did it, but okay, let’s go with that.

Chat soon then.

Oakes signing off.