Dark Days Lie Ahead

So apparently, I will be undergoing a colonoscopy procedure sometime this year. I know this because The Girlfriend decreed that it would be so, and history has shown that it is far easier on my shins, ribs, and the softer regions of my body, to follow her orders to the letter.

Typically, having to undergo any form of punishment is usually down to an act of stupidity or gross negligence on my part, such as leaving the stove on, or drinking 17 shots of tequila at the local bar.

In this instance though, I can safely lay the full blame on my mother.

There I was, sitting outside at a family braai, contently chewing on a piece of burnt pork. Now, chewing on a piece of pork, even an admittedly burnt one, usually fills me with an immense sense of happiness, taking me to a imaginary place where I can sit in my cave and gorge on huge swathes of cured pig.

My mom – who I love by the way - decided to wrench me out of my cave, and chose to share the fascinating fact that our family and colon cancer were really good mates, and had a bit of a history together, dating all the way back to the 16th century, when my ancestors were running around in loin clothes and leaving poop under trees. Blood-stained poop as it turned out, as their colons were awry.

Now, for those of you unfamiliar with colons, it’s basically the bit in the large intestine, which turns your processed waste into a semi solid substance, a substance which typically causes the birds outside your toilet window to pass up their gift of flying and instead hurl themselves four stories into the ground below.

Well at least in my household anyway.

The colon, due to it working incredibly hard and being greatly under appreciated, is thus prone to fall ill, and can develop issues such as inflamed tissue, ulcers and abnormal growth. I had an ulcer in my mouth once, and it was not a happy time in the Favourite Son household. In fact, I’m pretty sure the only thing worse than having an ulcer in your mouth, would be having an ulcer in your rectum. Colonoscopies are therefore carried out to identify these issues, and usually, are only performed on 50 year old patients who experience sore bums.

In my case however, due to there being what doctors call a “family history”, this unique rite of passage will now be moved forward about 25 years, on the insistence of The Girlfriend who, fearing my possible demise, doesn’t seem that keen on potentially having a new man spiking her drinks and feeling her up in her sleep.

Which is all well and good, except for the fact that it is my anus which will now be fully explored by a virtual stranger. Oh yes, I didn’t mention that, did I? The colonoscopy will involve a urologist inserting a large tube up my bum, upon which he will carefully navigate his way around my rectum, as the tube has a tiny camera the size of my self esteem. To make matters worse, it seems I will be fully aware of the arse exploration, save for what is described as a “light sedative” to “numb any potential pain”. I will be lying on my left side, and in some instances, may even be asked to move around a bit to give the camera inside my bum hole a better view of proceedings.

An alternative means of colonoscopy, but probably equally effective.

Finding out all of this has left me with an instinctive sense of fear, a paralyzing fear of the inevitable, especially once The Girlfriend gave me what is known by her enemies as The Look. Basically, once this facial expression has been utilized, fighting it is a bit like pissing in the wind, or watching an episode of Ugly Betty – ultimately pointless and more than a little silly.

So here we are then, I will now be psyching myself up over the next few months (I have managed to buy 6 months grace before having to bite the bullet) and will likely fill you all in on the details once the deed is done.

Suffice to say though, my mom and her stories will not be invited to any more braais for the time being. If I hear there is also prostate cancer in the family I may just combust.

Oakes signing off.

Did you enjoy this post? Of course you did! Now join my growing army of subscribers and get free updates in your Inbox whenever I write something breathtakingly new. Become cool by association and get ShaunOakes.com in your Inbox.