Shaun Feeling Sorry For Himself

Competitions: Money Shaun will never win.

I could well be the unluckiest person in the world. Now granted, it’s a completely and utterly ridiculous thing to say – I know for a fact that there are people out there who have far worse luck than I do – those who have lost limbs in freak accidents for instance, or those who bank at the FNB branch in Gardens.

I do however, have terrible luck when it comes to competitions. Since I first became aware of the concept of winning something for doing nothing, I have literally never won a single thing – well, save for a pink hair brush and makeup set in a dodgy school raffle back in ‘91, but I completely discount that prize, as an eight year old straight lad with self esteem issues would never regard getting a Tinkerbell makeup set as a win.

No, I am of course referring to the countless competitions I enter, both online and off – the various cars, pens, watches, trips overseas and vast sums of money I try and win on a regular basis, which thus far has sadly come to naught.

The European Lottery, which I play on a weekly basis, is a case in point. Every Friday I studiously play my lucky numbers, consisting of the first time I had sex, the number of girls I have had sex with, the number of sexual positions I know, and the number of times I can have sex on a given night. Using this unique combination of one depressingly high number, together with three disappointingly low ones, I am always naively optimistic that my chances of winning are fairly strong.

I will go to bed on a Friday night, visualizing the email I will receive on the Monday morning, and the little dance I will spontaneously break into upon my announcement as that week’s winner (it’s usually a toss up between the Robot and the Macarena, I can never be too sure which one will take hold). As I try and feel up The Girlfriend in the bed, I will begin running through the technical specs of the luxury yacht I will purchase, whilst also mentally compiling a list of the various people I will visit with my Lamborghini Murcielago. People I will then proceed to mercilessly gloat in front of, before again breaking out into an impromptu rendition of the Robot or Macarena.

According to the latest figures released last year, South Africa currently has just under 50 000 dollar millionaires, which is enough to fill Newlands Rugby Stadium. Now, that is a fair amount of big spenders, but I am willing to bet that not even 1% of them will have as much fun throwing around their millions as I will.

And I guess that is why I am not sitting with $100 million in my bank account right now.

To be ridiculously wealthy, you either have to be incredibly unattractive with no sense of fun (ugly people work three times as harder as the rest of us, as they have nothing going for them otherwise); morally corrupt to the point of being a crook; or one of those goody-two-shoes, helping-thy-fellow-man characters, as Karma tends to smile down on these new age hippies.

Since I am more of a weak hybrid of all three camps ( slightly weird looking man, with a loose moral here and there, who helps others only when they can offer something in return), I have somehow managed to fly under the radar of Lady Luck, who is no doubt looking down at me from her pedestal, laughing her arse off whilst breaking out into an impromptu rendition of the Robot or Macarena.

[Shaun's note: The European Lottery currently stands at £129 million. Give yourself a chance by clicking here and playing.]

Oakes signing off.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.