Now That We Have Actually Seen It

Avatar - As Really Seen By Shaun

So, after months of trying to watch this movie in 3D, wanting to get decent seats in the process, we eventually managed to see Avatar.

Due to all the media hype around this movie, I was understandably concerned that it had been built up heavily, to the point where I would leave the cinema disappointed. Counting in its favour however, was the fact that I had not watched a 3D movie before, and so would be pretty open to the spectacle.

So, did it live up the hype?

That would be a yes, capitan.

The special effects, as you would come to expect, is simply mind blowing. Make no mistake, this is pure escapist fun. In many instances, you lose yourself and it feels as if you are literally in Pandora. James Cameron reportedly spent 10 years developing the technology used to film Avatar, and first impressions are that he didn’t spend the time jacking off, to porn but that it was rather time – and significant money no doubt – well spent. So from a visual point of view, hands down, this is epic and a real spectacle.

The plot is where a lot of critics have taken shots at the film, but to be fair, I didn’t think it was too bad. Sure, it’s fairly cliche and it doesn’t take rocket science to work out where the film is going. At the end of the day though, you are not going in there expecting to see a whodunnit or a psychological thriller filled with twists and turns. It’s a sci-fi film, with a fairly standard plot, you’ve seen it in Star Wars, Star Trek etc, and you know what you are going to get.

You will of course have noticed that I haven’t mentioned the actual storyline, which is a deliberate ploy on my part as by now, everyone should know what the film is about.

I am usually pretty cynical when it comes to overly hyped films, but I thoroughly enjoyed this one. The Girlfriend seemed to enjoy it as well, and even let me feel her up thereafter, which is usually a sign that she is content and satisfied.

Do yourself a favour and go and see Avatar. Two months since being released in South Africa, it’s still playing to full theatres so you may well battle to get decent seats, but this is one of those films you simply have to go and see. In 3D.

Avatar scores a Steve-O rating of 4.

Oakes signing off.

What Do You Think?

Shaun Oakes Logo

Friday evening, and I thought I’d take the opportunity to touch on both myself, as it’s been a long week, but also the fact that I recently comissioned a new logo, or “corporate identity” as they say in marketing language.

Based on some of the feedback so far, I would say consensus is pretty polarised, some of you have hated it,whilst others have not really hated it.

Give me a shout and let me know what you think.

We will chat again tomorrow.

Oakes signing off.

Does It?

I look forward to shaving, in much the same way that I look forward to having my fingers broken, or getting stabbed in the leg by a gangster in Adderley Street.

Ever so often then, I enjoy sending the razor off on vacation, usually at the very back of the bathroom cabinet, and will instead spend a couple of days cultivating some manly face fur. I like to think it makes me look ruggedly handsome, like a young Benicio Del Toro, or perhaps a slightly prettier version of Russel Crowe. The Girlfriend on the other hand, likes to think it makes look like a giant wally with pubic hairs growing off my face.

Because of this, growing a beard has developed into a bi-monthly battle of wills – I will steadfastly refuse to shave, she will steadfastly refuse to sleep with me. Eventually, I am almost always the one to blink first, leading to my welcome re-admittance to the communal bed, but it does lead me to wonder just how popular beards and moustaches still are today.

Since the days of Magnum PI, starring Tom Selleck and that magnificent moustache, there haven’t been too many hairy sex symbols for women to swoon over. This is either because men find facial hair difficult to grow, or because women have developed a disliking for rough bristles rubbing against their inner thighs. Either way, it appears that men with moustaches and beards are now in the minority.

A recent study at a local medical institute found that 87% of women preferred clean shaven men to the hairier variety. This resonates with me as, out of the approximately 20 women who I interact with on a regular basis, three of them enjoy the company of hairy men.

So what do the rest of the women think?

Hair or no hair? Let’s hear your thoughts.

Oakes signing off.

Something To Liven Up Your Wednesday

It’s Wednesday and, rather than writing anything subtantial, I thought I would instead post a YouTube video, as firstly it’s pure quality, and secondly I am lazy.

Check out Andy Samberg’s awesome new music video called “Threw it on the ground.” It will put a smile on your face.

Click here if it does not load.

That is all.

Oakes signing off.

Oakes Earns His Spurs

Tools: Manliness

After years of sterling service, our beloved toilet seat passed away peacefully in her sleep this week, having developed a terminal crack in her left side after feeling the full force of a particularly heavy dinner guest.

On most occasions, any sort of house related maintenance job would see us calling a variety of tradesmen and professionals, be it plumbers, painters, or even someone to change a car tyre. Although I strike an intimidating pose, I am surprisingly useless when it comes to any sort of DIY job around the home, and it is usually The Girlfriend who will change the light bulbs, whilst I stand behind her, watching and nodding approvingly.

2010 is a year of action however, and so Saturday morning – rather than sleeping off the whiskey of the previous night – saw me lying on my back in the bathroom instead, with an assortment of impressive looking tools at my side. There I lay for a good half hour or so, staring intently at the nether regions of our toilet, as an impending feeling of desperation slowly engulfed me.

Contrary to popular belief, changing a toilet seat is a mammoth and intricate task, eclipsed only perhaps by performing brain surgery, or designing an interplanetary space shuttle. Created in the early 19th century by engineers who had grown weary of urinating in the streets, they built a contraption that is pretty much indestructible – save for the seat itself – which is like the Achilles Heel of the traditional bathroom loo. Displaying a wicked sense of humour however, they went and decided to make the process of removing the seat an almost impossible task, a task attempted by many but achieved by few.

You see, the seat is attached to the porcelain base through a complicated set of long screw-like nails carefully mounted on each side of the bowl. These are fastened from both the top and the bottom of the bowl, through carefully hidden screws unseen by the naked eye.

Unfastening these with a traditional screw driver is an exercise in futility – there is simply no space to leverage yourself and turn the screw driver appropriately. It took me about two hours of sweating, swearing and just a little bit of sobbing before I came to this realisation, eventually resorted to contorting my body into a human pretzel, basically having to tuck both my left leg and right arm behind my head in order to successfully unfasten the first bastard of a screw.

Ecstatic at this moral victory, I immediately broke into a celebratory Macarena, until The Girlfriend appeared and sagely pointed out that there were still three sections to complete, I was a mediocre Macarena dancer, and she needed to use the toilet facilities shortly.

Using her threat to turn my car into a porta-loo as a motivating factor, I was able to power through and remove the old seat, and install the new one in a relatively quick turn-around time of three hours 45 minutes, or roughly the time it takes to learn the Macarena.

All in all it was a good day then; we have a new toilet seat in the family, I saved my car from a terrible fate, and I discovered that I am able to to tuck my leg behind my head.

I’d say that’s a win in any man’s book.

Oakes signing off.

Shaun Oakes

Procrastination - Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.

This may surprise some of you, but it usually takes me about 5 hours to write one of these columns every day. Now, this is not due to me carrying out extensive research, spending time verifying facts, or methodically going over my grammar. The simple fact of the matter is that I am a procrastinator. A fearsome one at that.

I think writing was substantially easier twenty years ago, back when chain smoking eccentrics with oily hair and dirty cardigans would sit in their cluttered studies, battering away at their typewriters whilst making a serious dent on their latest bottle of Scotch. No distractions, just you, a plastic tumbler of whiskey, and some A4 printing paper.

These days however, working on a computer with always on internet is a bit like trying to read an intellectually heavy book, whilst a beautiful woman gives you a lap dance.

As an example, I was seated at my desk yesterday evening at around 6pm, ready to whip out 1000 words on the recent adventures I had in the city centre, involving a parking space, a Peugeot 206, and an angry middle aged Muslim woman. At around 10:15pm, I remained rooted at my desk, with 25 words typed and having instead read up on the dark sequel to the Wizard of Oz (incidentally called “Dark Oz”) and having watched a dozen or so amusing interviews on YouTube by the professional wrestler turned Hollywood actor, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Time well spent? Possibly, it’s always entertaining watching old clips of The Rock.

Procrastination? Oh, almost certainly.

It’s this level of procrastination which can sometimes get me into trouble, or at the very least seriously inconvenience me. At the current time of writing, I still have some unpaid speeding fines weighing on my conscience, together with a couple of court dates I seem to have subsequently missed. Even more disturbingly, I recently worked out that there are several thousands of rands owed to me for various freelance work carried out over the past year, amounts that I have yet to invoice for.

I know it needs to be done, I make plans to do it, but then… and then… and then…

To rub further salt in the wounds, it seems as if my procrastination has now also lead to my missing out on the 2010 World Cup experience. Having registered on Fifa.com way back in 2008 already, I have then proceeded to dilly and of course dally during the following two years, to the point where I have now missed the three random draws for World Cup tickets held during this year.

I just logged on again today to get tickets during the fourth and penultimate draw being held, only to discover that there are no more available tickets for Cape Town matches, with every match at the Cape Town stadium in Greenpoint seemingly sold out.

So now, not only am I facing some hefty traffic fines, and missing out on a huge chunk of income, but I also face the ghastly prospect of having to trek all the way to the Mbombela Stadium in the grey wasteland of Nelspruit, in order to catch a World Cup game.

Quite frankly, if that isn’t enough to shake me out of this procrastinating habit, I don’t know what will.

Oakes signing off.

Nice? Or Naff?

Valentines Day

It’s evening time on Valentine’s Day, so let’s hear how yours was spent. Me? I tend to be a raging romantic throughout the year, I don’t really need a special day to show my soft side, so this is just another day for me. How did everyone else’s day pan out though?

Click here if you cannot see the poll.

Chat tomorrow then. We have quite a few things to talk about.

Oakes signing off.

Not Too Shabby

Sherlock Holmes: Reviewed by Shaun.

I have already mentioned my long running battle to see Avatar, including many near misses before actually getting to see it, which we will discuss soon. It was during one of these near misses however, that we decided to watch Sherlock Holmes, the modern remake starring Robert Downey Jnr and Jude Law, and directed by Guy Ritchie, the director famous for making British gangster films, and for having had sex with Madonna on a regular basis.

Warner Brothers are keen to turn this into a highly profitable franchise, and have clearly spent a considerable sum of money marketing this movie, even going so far as to create a Sherlock Holmes online game.

So did the movie live up to the hype?

The simple answer is yes. And no.

Yes from a purely cinematic entertainment point of view. If you are looking to spend two hours chilling in the cinema, munching on some popcorn and just having some fun, then this is a movie to see. It’s not too taxing on the brain, will keep you entertained and interested with a fast moving plot, and has the right amount of humour, action and special effects to keep the baying masses happy.

Robert Downey Jnr’s Sherlock has a great rapport with Jude Law’s Watson, and there is certainly some chemistry there, almost to the point of a homosexual attraction. I haven’t seen that much blatant male on male sexual flirtation since Frodo Baggins and Samwise in the Lord of the Rings.

It works though, and you are quickly drawn in by the rogueish charm of Sherlock, perfectly complimented by the rugged, strong character of Watson.

There are times when Robert Downey Jnr’s British accent can be difficult to understand, but other than that the performances are pretty well polished throughout the cast, from Mark Strong’s dark characterisation of Lord Blackwood, to Rachel McAdams American heroine, Irene Adler.

So what wasn’t great about Sherlock Holmes?

The mystery element left me feeling a little unsatisfied. The ending didn’t leave me with that “ah ha!” moment you get when you realise how something was achieved at the end of a suspenseful film. Rather, it left me bemused and slightly disappointed with the outcome. Not to give away the plot, but there are heavy doses of what could perhaps be described as sci fi, or at least the use of too-modern-for-its-time technology, in the explanations of how Lord Blackwood was able to do what he did.

Taking that away though, Sherlock Holmes is still an entertaining romp, and a pretty good way to spend 2 hours of your time.

Sherlock Holmes scores a Steve-O rating of 3.

Oakes signing off.