Please?

A typical day in Cape Town.

Can there be anything quite as annoying as the wind we are currently experiencing in Cape Town? The gale force howling we have been hearing these last few days, is of course what locals refer to as the “Cape Doctor”, a fierce South Easterly wind which is meant to clean the city of any smog, fumes and other harmful toxins, blowing them all into the poorer suburbs of the Western Cape instead.

In theory it is supposed to clean Cape Town but all it seems to do is blow the city’s rubbish all over the streets before having it all settle, frustratingly enough, onto my car. I staggered out my flat this morning to find what appeared to be someone’s grocery shopping sprawled across my windshield. There were yoghurts, dried fruits and – more disturbingly – a brown sticky substance which I hope to God was some sort of chocolate mousse dessert.

They of course all managed to find their way around the dozens of other cars parked in the street, in between the two heroin addicts who sleep on the pavement, and under and over the various trees which line our property, before deciding to nestle nicely on my car.

I know I’ve written about the wind before, and I know I’m probably sounding like a stuck record now, but I really do detest it. Even as a young boy watching the hit cartoon series Captain Planet and the Planeteers, the Russian girl with the power of Wind always rubbed me up the wrong way, to the point where I secretly wished the Asian bird with the Water power would drown her during an alcohol-fuelled argument over one of the boys. Sadly, it being a kids television show, they never did have that drunken fight, but I have continued to be annoyed by both the kid, as well as the shitty element she controlled.

So much so, that I have even spent considerable time researching how to reduce the effects of the wind in the Cape Town city centre. Based on my findings, I’m fairly sure we can successfully divert it with approximately five strategically placed windmill constructions, which will catch the wind as it heads toward my bedroom window, and gently but firmly steer it towards Port Elizabeth instead.

Why Port Elizabeth? Well, the people who live there are fairly reserved and soft spoken and so would not kick up too much of a fuss. Also, I know of at least two people who I don’t get on with who currently reside there, and so this would also appeal to my sense of vengeance.

Seriously though, is there anything we can do to prevent getting blown over on a daily basis? I don’t care about blue light convoys getting banned in the Western Cape, I want Helen Zille to focus her efforts on making the Cape Town Gardens area a wind-free zone. This is becoming a huge problem now.

As my neighbor is fond of telling me, the only good thing about the wind is when you are breaking it. Just make sure to light a match straight after though.

Oakes signing off.

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