March 29, 2010
Am I The Only One?
Cycling. Meh. Meh. Meh.
I received an email the other day, asking me why I hadn’t mentioned anything about the Pick n Pay Argus Cycle Tour which occurred a couple of weeks ago in Cape Town, and whether I had gone to see any of it. I never bothered replying to the email at the time, so Paul S, if you are reading this, allow me to answer you: I didn’t mention the Pick n Pay Argus Cycle tour simply because I find the whole thing terribly boring. I also didn’t see any of it because I was too busy watching the block of Gouda cheese in my kitchen decompose.
I’ve never seen the attraction of cycling, both as a sport and as a leisurely activity. Before anyone starts hurling insults at me, yes I can cycle and yes, I have tried it in the past. I also know many people who participate in the Cycle Tour, and who enjoy cycling.
I am not one of those people though.
As a professional sport I don’t respect it because it’s something you can easily and effectively do whist sitting down, so how hard can that really be? It’s a bit like sitting on your couch playing Tekken 6, and claiming to be an elite athlete. The Tour De France is arguably the dullest television spectacle ever conceived, and is something I will forever hold against the French.
When it comes to cycling, there is no real skill involved, you pretty much just sit on your seat, and then pedal like crazy. It all comes down to your level of fitness and how defined your calf muscles are. I’m pretty sure there are many silicon-boobed Constantia moms at the Virgin Active spinning class who could probably win the Pick n Pay Argus Cycle Tour or even the Tour De France, given half the chance.
Cycling as a leisurely pursuit is also pretty pointless. As a form of exercise, It doesn’t give you a full body workout, so you are left with a weedy body, yet strangely well-defined calf muscles, which look as if you could beat someone to death with them, if you were somehow able to detach them from your limbs and use them as clubs.
People who claim they cycle in beautiful surroundings to enjoy the view are also deluded.
The fact is, you can’t enjoy the view or your surroundings when you are cycling, as you are going too fast. It’s not as if you are able to cycle slowly either, because whilst you’re marveling at the beautiful fynbos or trying to spot the endangered Paternoster water rat, you run the risk of hitting things, like pedestrians or oncoming cars.
If that is not bad enough, the clothing attire required when cycling also leaves a lot to be desired. I did some research, and apparently it’s a constitutional law that you have to look like a complete wally when cycling. This includes wearing a helmet which makes you look like the alien from, well, Alien, as well as incredibly tight cycling shorts, which pretty much advertises your package, whilst slowly suffocating your sperm cells.
“Look at my magnificent package,” you are saying on the one hand, whilst “Look at me, I am slowly killing my baby makers” you are saying on the other. It’s an ironic contradiction and is something that women don’t want to see when it comes to selecting eligible men to procreate with. It’s for this reason why a recent UCT study showed that 91% of all heavily active cycling enthusiasts are single men, a further 83% of whom are named either Guy or Richard.
In short then, cycling is overrated, and the Pick n Pay Argus Cycle Tour even more so.
In fact, the only reason a silicon-boobed Constantia mom hasn’t won the Cycle Tour yet is because they realize, like I do, that the whole thing is just a complete waste of time, and that there are more fulfilling things to do on a Sunday morning. Like watching a block of Gouda cheese decompose.
Oakes signing off.
UPDATE: [30/03/2010] – So it seems I’ve ruffled a few feathers over the last few days. I still maintain that cycling is easy and have thus decided to man up and try it out for a few weeks. I will wear the testicle crushing shorts and the alien helmet and document my findings. Stay tuned.
While this is rather amusing, the fact of teh matter is that you are an incredible doos.
Don’t write about things you know fuckall about.
Just to confirm again, yes you are a doos.
Re: people looking like tits, you’ve obviously never seen the guys from Fixed Gear Cape Town http://fixedgearcapetown.co.za/
Wow! Another attempt at getting into that Bill Bailey / Dylan Moran / British style of ranting and complaining for the sake of being funny, but coming off pretty weak, with no real insight or punch. Here’s rooting for that aforementioned bus
u are an ignorant, snivelling little cunt.
not even sure why i’m wasting my time bothering to respond to you.
as someone else said – doos.
couldn’t have said it better myself. rather stick to what you know, like jacking off to porn.
I would tend to agree with you, Shaun.
Cycling is INCREDIBLY boring, beaten only by Formula 1 Racing for sheery dullery.
I want to shoot myself in the head whenever I see cycling or F1 racing on TV.
Btw, to the other commenters – childish name calling? Really? I thought we had grown out of that in kindergarten. I guess not.
Yes! You’ve hit the nail squarely on the head Oakes!I even know a cyclist called Guy. Scarily accurate.
Love the comments, and have to agree – runners get all the benefits of cycling and still avoid looking like aliens.
Spot the Tjop! Your rambling is dull and about as funny as watching the cheese you rave about.
@Max Payne. I suggest you go for shooting lessons. You obviously missed too many times!
Oakes you sure you’re not the block of Gouda cheese decomposing, coming up with such a “boring” topic? Looks like the decomposing started at the top.
Some mentioned this on TheHubSa as well, and I think it’s a rather dandy idea.
If you’re so confident that cycling is such an easy past time, why don’t you do the Argus next year?
Come on Oakes, put your money where you mouth is.
Hahaha … what a laugh ! My guess is that you’re probably just another sedentary couch potato thumbing his TV remote from channel to channel whilst wolfing down a Big Mac .. or decomposing Gouda cheese. You deftly avoid mentioning what it is that keeps your health in check. Oh well .. each to his own. You clearly have no idea, and yes, the Afrikaans phrase rings true. You are a ‘box’ !
Come on Shaun – you know you want some of those hot spandex shorts. You’ll look so hot in them if you wax your legs. Join us!
Idiot just tryig to be contradictory for the hell of writing. Keep staring at that cheese pinny and steer clear of writing rubish. You just wasted my time by making me read such crap. Am I the only one tired of Jeremy Clarkson styled pieces? I enjoyed the books way back in the day, but even Top Gear is getting a bit tired now…
Um. Wow. Who knew cyclists were such hardcore insulting types. I’m a little perplexed about why these comments are so agro. Anyhoo, would be nice if they could ride in single file on windy Cape Town roads – just a request.
Also, getting angry at Shaun for making jokes is silly. The guy is clearly pitched somewhere between not serious and not at all serious.
smoochies.
Shaun – come for a ride with us through Suikerbosrand Nature Reserve – I’ll even arrange a bike and a pair of baggies for you (the helmet is compulsory though). If you still think cycling is boring/easy after that I’ll make admit to being an alien wally in public. You have my email address – please use it.
Put your ego where your ranting is.
Ciao.
What an Asshole ….
I’d think cycling for fun after you’ve been hit by a bus would be pretty difficult. Don’t You ;-)
Wow – the tight pants make for short tempers it seems.
It’s really bizarre that this post is the one that drags up the flaming comments.
It’s because it got posted on http://www.thehubsa.co.za/forum_posts.asp?TID=80953&PN=1
These cycling geeks tend to get very defensive.
Shame, have you guys seen the writers FB profile picture???
Unlucky…
I apologise for some of my cycling compatriots lack of sense of humour.
These guys are undoubtedly the same dolts that don’t stop at red lights.
@jaykay… how exactly did Shaun Oakes “make” you read this article? You are a silly dolt. I suggest you roll your self a zol, lie on your back and watch the leaves change colour.
Are we all still friends?
Thanks for the laugh. I tend to agree with you on cycling being terribly boring to watch on TV. Its definitely up there with golf and NASCAR. However it is definitely one of those sports which is best experienced for yourself. You can always try mountain biking if you still need something more exciting. Go take a ride around the Tokai Arboretum or Silvermine and I guarantee the views will blow you away, plus there’s only baboons, maybe a cobra or two to get in your way up there.
Can’t believe this is the post that gets the most comments..seriously dudes lighten up? I say each to your own: if you enjoy cycling then so be it, if not well then so be it as well? No need to get on the defensive.
Good luck with that cycling Oakes..let us other “non cyclists” know what we’re potentially missing out on! :)
Ouboet as ek so na jou foto kyk is jy seker bang om ‘n stywe broekie te dra want nou nou lyk dit of jy verjaar. Die capies is maar met min tevrede as jy die favorite son/daughter is.
Wow…these angry cyclists have no sense of humour, but they think it’s funny to go through red robots and ride next to each other risking everybody’s lives. Dicks.
@Kev
I have a friend called Dick and he is a cyclist.
I happen to be one of those lycra cad wallys you rant on about. I don’t understand you dude. Cycling is not boring at all. Not nearly as boring as your literary effort. And least of all not boring because you can do it sitting down.
I have lots of cycling buds too and none of them are Richard or Guy.
Be that as it may, you think it’s so easy, I’ll make you a deal. You make it through one lap of the Suikerbsrand Nature reserve in your baggies and (Mandatory) helmet,and I will eat your decomposing gouda.
Thankfully not all cyclists are dumbasses like you.
Hope your wish comes true.
Shaun, you appear in this image as a ‘british person’ … bizarre!
http://i.imgur.com/ZyVws.jpg
And cyclists wonder why most people think they are a bunch of dicks… I think Fanie and Eminem and all the other agro posters prove why!
Please go back to playing with your “hubs” and leave us normal people who make Shaun Oakes the 23rd most popular blog alone.
I hope you don’t classify mountain biking in the same boring category of cycling.
To the idiot that wrote the article. You are a bit of anal wart. Actually if I could swear on this site I would start with your mother. While you have the ability to do something but choose not to because you are a lazy piece of sh!t, there are people who would do the toughest stage of the Epic every day if it would get them out of their wheelchairs. I have a family member and 3 friends in wheelchairs and your article is nothing else than a desperate attempt to gain exposure as nobody knows who you are nor do we give a damn. Writing an article like this is bound to get reaction. It’s very sad really. May you get your wish, get hit by a bus, land up in a wheelchair and then we chat and see what you would give to cycle.
Fuck me gently. I’m almost ashamed to call myself a cyclist after reading all of this vitriol.
Now I know why Sean didn’t post a new blog entry today. He couldn’t write anything funnier than this crap if he tried.
For those who took offence to this jolly article – may i remind you that you still actually read it…yes, you took time out of your lives to read and then – wait for it – more time out of your lives to comment, even if it was a negative childish one…point is – couldn’t be that bad then…you read it – and secrectly enjoyed it too…
Don’t let them get to you. Don’t cycle!
why would you want to dress up as a sperm and crush your nuts for hours at a time?
Cycling is gay. Mountain biking is acceptable.