Now? Not So Much

Bender from Futurama: Not really what we are talking about.

Now don’t ask me why, but last week I found myself knocking back shooters in Claremont, the preferred stomping ground for students and young revelers who haven’t quite worked up the courage to party in the city itself yet.

The night had started innocently enough, with a quiet ale at the local watering hole near The HQ, after which I had planned to go home, have some milk, catch an episode of Flight of the Conchords before having an early night in.

I know – very rock n roll, very sexy – but hey, this is what gets me excited these days.

In any event, things did not go exactly as planned, and instead of shaking my head in amusement at the antics of Jemaine and Bret in the comfort of my lounge; I found myself shaking my head in bemusement at the antics of Jonno and Big Dave, two jocks who started shoving each other on the dance floor of a semi deserted club on Claremont Main Road.

Now as far as I can work out, Claremont currently has about six clubs or bars all within walking distance of each other. And by walking distance, I mean you could literally spit outside the window of one establishment, and risk hitting the doorman square in the face as he is busy standing outside the other one. Since most of these doormen seem rather juiced up and irritable, I would strongly advise against that though, but it does give you an idea of the close proximity and level of choice one has.

Because of this choice, the market is understandably saturated, and so many of these places resort to blatant bribery and lies to get patrons through their doors. At our first stop, the doorman was practically begging us to go inside and create a vibe, promising great music, scantily clad UCT students, and copious amounts of cheap booze. Upon entry however, he was proven to be a liar, as we were greeted by a Johnny Clegg dance remix from 2004, together with a fat brunette with a tiara on her head dancing by herself. Granted, the drinks were dirt cheap, but 1 out of 3 was a fairly poor effort on the doorman’s part, and so we decided to move on to another venue.

Club number two fared no better though. There, after ordering a fairly strong round, we found ourselves doubled up, thanks to a 2-for-1 deal the barman with dishonest eyes had failed to mention to us. We weren’t exactly complaining about this, but it did seem to be a delaying tactic designed to keep us there, as I could literally count the number of other patrons inside. This included a group of five guys who were diligently watching a football game which had occurred days earlier, together with a couple who were vigorously sucking each other’s faces, whilst a third wheel sat with them, watching intently whilst gently touching himself.

Finishing our drinks, we headed off to club number three, which to its credit, had a semblance of a decent vibe to it. The drinks were affordable, there were more than 20 people inside, and the music didn’t completely make me want to put a bottle through my neck. Counting against it though was the caliber of clientele. About two minutes into my dancing to Chris Brown’s “I Can Transform Ya”, I was accosted by an overly aggressive female, who reeked of cigarettes and vomit. “My friends think you should dance with me” she bellowed in a voice several decabils lower than my own, and it required the welcome diversion of Jonno and Big Dave’s altercation, to allow me to slowly moonwalk my way out of there.

We did eventually manage to make a night out of it, and I ended up punishing a good few bars that evening. This of course resulted in a rather dreadful morning after, one in which my skull seemed determined to crush my brain for reasons unclear to me. Suffice to say, I’ll be sticking to milk and Flight of the Conchords in the immediate future. Sure, benders can be fun, but usually only when you’re 18. I think that ship has sailed for me, I’ll now be returning to Jemaine and Bret’s cheesy music videos instead.

Oakes signing off.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.