Please?

Trees: Getting killed so Shaun can get junk mail.

Every day I received an assortment of mail in my letterbox, usually made up of utility bills, religious pamphlets, as well as handwritten letters of abuse from a Mr GS Pope, a strange old man who lives a few blocks down the street, and who seems to despise me for no rational reason. Recently however, I have also noticed the presence of a green envelope which finds its way into my letterbox at least twice a week. DirectAxis is a credit provider which promises me access to unlimited wealth, and they feel compelled to point this out to me several times a month now, in their green encrusted letters.

I figured they must have murdered hundreds of trees by this point, simply to let me know that I can get R50 000 within 24 hours, at an interest rate of 252%, or something equally ridiculous.

Now, I love money as much as the next person, but the thought of repaying the equivalent of R125 000 over the next five years, so you can splurge on R50 000 now, seems like the type of financial prudence that currently has the US industries on its knees, giving virtual BJs to the government in exchange for bailouts.

DirectAxis seem quite adamant that I should lend money from them though, and besides a disciplined mailing regime, I also get text messages on a weekly basis. I have been getting calls from private numbers as well, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they were behind that too. Well, it’s either them, or people asking me for money, which would of course be an equally appealing prospect.

I’m intrigued as to how they managed to get my details though, and I suspect it’s another example of my bank selling me out. I remember taking out a loan many years back, to use as a down payment on my very first luxury yacht, and I’m assuming my details are added to some sort of database. Clearly the powers that be at FNB are then selling off this information on to the various credit lenders, who then nudge, wink and show a bit of leg at the consumers on this database, hoping to entice them into further lending.

This, together with the usual banking issues I face, leads me to glance more and more longingly toward Capitec Bank. I’ve heard some fairly decent things from them of late, (being named one of the top global “Great Brands of Tomorrow” is a step in the right direction, and they seem keen to shed their image as a poor person’s bank)

For now though, I seem destined to continue receiving my DirectAxis junk mail. I may well collect them all and turn them into paper machete, using it to construct a giant 10 foot model of myself, which I can then leave outside the window of GS Pope’s house, so as to further enrage him. Bastard.

Oakes signing off.

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4. You Are Not A Child, Stop Writing Like One
5. Swing Out Sister – Am I The Same Girl?

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