Whenever There Is Someone Attractive Behind Me In The Line

Toilet Paper - My New Nemesis

Now, I’m a mature adult, and I know that buying toilet paper is just a part of everyday life. I can easily go to the shop and get some of my El Grande extra large condoms without any qualms. I’ve even gone to the shop on occasion to purchase something The Girlfriend calls “tampons”, which are these little nappy things that women seem to be very fond of.

So yes, generally speaking, I’m a pretty chilled guy, and would usually have no issues around buying toilet paper. Let’s face it, we all use them, it is nothing to really be shy about.
Why is it though, that WHENEVER I am purchasing a few rolls, there is ALWAYS an issue with the scanning of the barcode?

Always. Without fail.

For reasons unknown, the shop attendants seem completely incapable of working out how to scan my toilet paper. They will look at it in complete bafflement, then proceed to “um” and “ah” for a few minutes, whilst I stand and squirm, silently urging them to quickly push it through and toss it in my trolley. They will try flipping it around, attempt to approach the scanner from obtuse and acute angles, before then eventually having to call the supervisor to come and assist.

I will of course then slowly turn around and look straight into the eyes of an attractive woman, who has been carefully watching the debacle proceed. I’ve carried out an extensive study on this now, and on every occasion that this has happened, there is always a hot woman standing behind me in the line. It’s as if they lie in wait, patiently watching from behind the chips and cereal aisle, carefully waiting for me to approach the cashier.

Guys, I guarantee you, if you ever want an attractive female standing in a shopping queue with you, just buy some toilet paper. Or hemorrhoid cream, that’s another popular one, but we will leave that discussion for another day.

On this particular occasion, the attractive woman was someone I recognised as a model I had seen on a television advert, in which she wore a skimpy two piece, and a dirty smile.

As I said, I shouldn’t feel self conscious about this, but I do anyway. I guess I just don’t want any attractive models to know that I poo.

And that I use single ply toilet paper. Yes, I think that could be it.

Oakes signing off.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.