Becomes An Even Bigger Badass

Muay Thai: What Shaun is doing right now.

So, many of you have probably been cursing me as I once again carried out my favourite little party drink. No, not that one. I only do that when I have one too many Hansa Marzen Golds, and start feeling slutty. No, I’m of course referring to my regular disappearing act, which I do every couple of months or so.

So what have I been up to recently?

Well, having grown weary of being regularly abused by Big Issue vendors, heroin junkies, and women with small feet, I decided to take the plunge and start Muay Thai classes.

You know what Muay Thai is, right?

It’s an ancient form of Thai kickboxing, which has suddenly become quite mainstream and popular in South Africa, especially Cape Town. After being a bit of an underground activity for many years, it’s burst onto national television thanks to a reality show, and now every man and his dog seems to be trying it out, wanting to learn how to kick the shit out of someone in an efficient and practical manner.

I was one of those men with their dogs, and have currently just completed my third week of training. So, besides desperately trying not to throw up during the fitness sessions, what have I gotten out of this?

Well, whereas in the past my fighting style was likened to that of an old woman, I have now learnt how to throw a decent punch. This is evident in the fact that when I hit the punching bag, I don’t fracture my fingers anymore. I have also learnt how to skip like a man, and not like a 9 year old girl, and I’ve probably done more press ups in the last three weeks, than I have done in my entire life.

This has also already seen some significant weight loss, what with me literally sweating about 23 litres of water every night. The other day I got out the shower, looked down and happened to catch a glimpse of my winky – in all its immaculate glory – something I had not been able to do for several months previously, due to various medical conditions concerning my stomach.

Let’s be clear though, Muay Thai is no walk in the park. It takes dedication, long hours of training and a killer aggressive spirit to succeed. There are both men and women who attend classes, with quite a few belters who wouldn’t look out of place in a swimsuit photo shoot, if they weren’t trying to break your ribs with a power kick. A lot of the guys seem quite scary looking, and for now I’ve just been keeping to myself, eyes to the ground, the way you would do in a gym change room when winkies are being flashed around.

So yeah, things are looking pretty good thus far. I’m feeling fitter, looking healthier and next time a woman with small feet tries to mug me again, I may just be able to kick her ass this time.

Oakes signing off.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.