June 8, 2010
I Occasionally Give To Charity As Well
I feel really strange as I write this today, the way a composer might feel after creating a new song, or the way a young man might feel after having his winky touched for the very first time. I think it’s called a feeling of accomplishment, and it kind of just happened out of the blue.
There I was in Gardens Centre, on my way to Pick n Pay to buy my weekly supply of El Grande Extra Large condoms (Plus sized condoms for Plus sized men) when my spider senses suddenly kicked in. This usually occurs in dark alleys when Big Issue Vendors are approaching, but it seldom occurs inside shopping malls, as Big Issue vendors are famously allergic to shopping malls for some strange reason, you will always find them in the streets, rather than outside a shop, which never made sense to me.
Anyway, I am digressing.
It was of course a charity volunteer which caused my heightened sense of danger to alert me. Usually, I would respond to an approach by one of these vile beasts with an anti-clockwise forward roll, followed by a swift chop to the throat (charity volunteers have notoriously weak necks). I was however, wearing a new jeans which still felt a little starchy, and I wasn’t that confident in my forward rolling technique with starchy pants. Not after that unfortunate incident with the Edgars cashier and the well-known lingerie model, but we will leave that story for another day.
So anyway, I was accosted by a dreaded charity volunteer, who gave me her shpeel about some poor community needing food. I nodded and smiled and told her that I “would see”, the way your boss would do in a brushing off manner, when you ask for that promotion or upgraded company car.
Funny thing was, after I bought my stash of baby-maker-blockers, I felt a weird urge to buy some canned foods for the charity. Not the type of canned food I would eat of course, but something a poor person would simply love and gobble up.
When I gave it to her two things happened; firstly she gave me a warm smile and said I was a good person whilst gently brushing her boob against my arm, and secondly I kind of felt all warm inside, as if I had just had two shots of Jaegermeister straight after one another. It was a good feeling, and it makes me wonder whether I should continue doing good deeds like this.
My mom regularly complains that I am “a bit of a shit” when it comes to helping others, and will regularly whip out her rosary (a set of holy beads used by Catholics) and pray for the salvation of my soul.
Hey maybe it’s actually working, and I will become a regular contributor to charity. Of course, the fact that the volunteer in question was an absolute Milf, probably helped.
But I would like to think that wasn’t the only reason for my charitable nature, and that I am indeed, a good person. Maybe.
Oakes signing off.
No related posts.