What Was I Thinking?

Shitty Albums Owned By Shaun

It’s Wednesday evening and I am sorting through my vast collection of illegally downloaded MP3 songs I’ve accumulated over the years. (If you’re reading this and are part of some sort of law enforcement agency, I am obviously joking. I definitely purchased all the MP3 songs legally. Through iTunes.)

Anyhoo, the reason I have so many MP3 songs is because I have a rather suspect and promiscuous taste in music. From Nine Inch Nails, to New Kids on the Block – I have had it all.

This has also seen me now owning some really shitty albums, albums which are currently residing at the bottom of my music cabinet, albums which I will now share with you, in no particular order.

1. Inner Circle – Bad to the Bone


Inner Circle - A Bit Rapey.

I have had this album since I was 10 years old. I’m not quite sure why I had an album by “The Bad Boys of Reggae” as a 10 year old, but hey, I was clearly a pretty adventurous tween. Inner Circle look like a pretty scary bunch of chaps, and not people I’d want to tangle with in a shank fight in Pollsmoor Prison (I’d want them on my side, shanking the other guys)

The album is fairly ordinary, with the famous track being the “Sweat Sweat Song”, which I used to belt out every day for many years. Until it was pointed out to me how “rapey” the song actually was.

“Girl, I want to make you sweat, sweat till you can’t sweat no more… and if you cry out, I’m going to push it… push it, push it some more.” That’s the actual lyrics. So yeah… I don’t really belt that song out much anymore…

2. Kriss Kross – Totally Krossed Out


Kriss Kross - Got Shaun Beaten Up.

This is an interesting one, because I’m actually not THAT shy about owning this album. Well, I was for a little bit, but now not so much, because they have become ironically cool again, like David Hasselhoff or that old guy from Rescue 911.

Kriss Kross were pretty f**king exceptional back in the early 90’s, and they had two massive hits which people still jam to today at weddings and parties in an ironic manner. (“Warm it Up, Kriss” and “Jump”) They were also pretty ground breaking in their fashion sense – they wore their pants and shirts back to front. I mean, come on, that’s pretty unheard of.

Although it worked for them, it didn’t really work for me, as I remember getting the shit methodically kicked out of me on the playground. Because I was wearing my pants and shirt back to front, and it looked weird.

3. Melanie B – Hot


Melanie B - Kept In A Sock Drawer.

I honestly have no idea why I have this album. No f**king clue. In fact, I’m fairly sceptical that this is even mine. The Girlfriend denies owning this, but I cannot think of any reason why I would have paid for this CD. I had a quick play through the album, and the genre of pop and very-soft-rock can best be described as “shit” with a side-order of “more shit”.

I seriously hope I never actually spent any money on this, as it would make me quite bitter and I probably won’t be able to sleep tonight.

Having said that though, the artwork on the CD is pretty easy on the eye, and I may just slip out the album cover and keep it in my sock drawer for a quieter moment.

4. Ricky Martin – Self Titled


Ricky Martin - It is not gay to own this album.

I know what you’re thinking, but it was perfectly acceptable to own this CD back in 1999. Ricky Martin was “Livin’ la Vida Loca” with the most beautiful women in the world (didn’t he bang Christina Aguilera?), and every straight man had a copy of this album.

So that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. It’s a solid album, and to be perfectly honest, I’m slightly loathe to label this under “shitty.”

Because it really isn’t.

5. Britney Spears – …Baby, One More Time


Britney Spears - Shaun So Would.

Listening to this album again gave me some goose-bumps, and yes, admittedly a bit of a semi as well. I’m not sure if it’s weird that a man now in his 20’s should get aroused by an album made by a then 16 year old, but today she is older than me so I think it’s okay. Right?

To be fair, the album itself is pretty shitty, and only really had one decent song to it (the title track where she is in her naughty school girl outfit) but it was strong enough to make me part with my R99 back in 1999 ( I think)

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I actually have loads more shitty albums where that came from, but this was starting to get a little “wordy” so I think I will stop at five. If you have any shitty albums you own, hit me up in the comments section below, and maybe we can become pen pals. No, not really. But hit me up anyway, as it’s good for blog posts to have comments.

Oakes signing off.



Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.