January 30, 2012
So it’s been nearly a month now since I’ve stopped smoking, and this of course now gives me the right to talk about the types of smokers out there, types of smokers that we are all familiar with and see on a daily basis.
Types of smokers that you will read about, and find yourself nodding your head slowly saying, “Yeah… that’s right, Sally IS a bit of a Social Loafer. Jeepers, I hate that chick.”
So sit back, clear your throat, and read this simple guide to recognising your smokers. --more-->
The 20 Packer
The Social Smoker
The Celebration Smoker
The Social Loafer
The Heavy Loafer
The 20 Packer is your typical smoker, who will go through, funnily enough, about 20 smokes a day. Sometimes less, sometimes more, but on average over the course of a month, yeah – about 20 a day. The 20 Packers all smoke for various reasons – some of them do it to socialise with other smokers outside, some will hit 20 because they like the taste and it makes them seem cooler, whilst others merely smoke to calm themselves down and avoid completely losing their shit.
There was also a guy I knew who smoked because he hated kids, and he read somewhere that smoking would make him infertile. So yeah, every 20 Packer has their reasons, no matter how nonsensical some of these reasons may seem. The 20 Packer is generally a fiercely proud smoker, and will openly challenge anyone who questions them on it, especially when they are just about to go out for a smoke.
Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Yes, I’m a smoker. What? … I should quit? … F**k you, I like smoking. Get out of my way.“
The Social Smoker thinks he/she is slightly better than your typical 20 Packer. They are often very quick to distance themselves from other smokers. You may not often see them puffing away during the day, but, like a vampire or an accountant who secretly cross dresses, they tend to come out with a flourish at night. (especially the cross-dressing accountant)
Give the Social Smoker a couple of drinks. Take a step back, and then watch as all bets are off and they smoke away like champions.
Just don’t call them smokers though. Because they are clearly not.
Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Me? No, I’m not really a smoker. I only smoke when I have a drink.“
The Celebration Smoker is the elitist relative of the Social Smoker. You won’t see them smoking on the office balcony. You won’t see them smoking at the office party either. The Celebration Smoker is very selective with their smoking habits, and will only whip out the cigarettes on very special occasions.
This doesn’t includes things like birthdays or Christmas, oh no, but rather incredibly rare events that will very seldomly occur again.
Just became a dad? Boom, let’s have a smoke and celebrate.
Got your old boss’ job? Let’s whip out some fags, captain.
Just had your first threesome? Let’s light that shit up.
Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “I’ve just had sex with [insert celebrity name here]. I think it’s time for a smoke.“
If the Celebration Smoker is the elitist relative to the Social Smoker, than the Social Loafer is the annoying cousin in the family. You know, the one who you try and avoid at family gatherings because they make you uncomfortable and keep trying to ask you for money. The Social Loafer doesn’t really smoke during the day, but comes alive at night with a few drinks.
Then, they will need a steady supply of nicotine sticks and will regularly hit you up for smokes during the night. On many occasions – due to the amount of alcohol consumed – they will even stop asking and will just help themselves to your hard-earned cigarettes. For this reason, the Social Loafer is generally quite resented by smokers.
Exceptions to this rule would be if the Social Loafer is a dear friend (some leeway is granted here), or they are physically attractive, and allowing them access to your cigarettes thus increases the likelihood of you nakedly rubbing yourself up against them later.
Otherwise, no dice.
Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “I’m just grabbing one of your smokes. [helps themselves]“
The Heavy Loafer is basically a 20 Packer who doesn’t buy their own cigarettes. They live off other smokers, and will often end up smoking more in a day than smokers who are buying their own f**king packs.
For this reason, they are considered to be massive, massive arseholes and should be avoided at all costs.
Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Hey, can I bum a smoke?“
The Preacher is generally an ex-smoker who now insists on telling all the world how they managed to quit, whilst making pithy statements and passing judgement on the same smokers that the Preacher was happily puffing away with just 3 months earlier.
Smokers generally despise the Preacher, as he/she is a massive dick who doesn’t see the hypocrisy in what they are saying. I mean, if it was such a filthy habit, why were you doing it for 15 years? Exactly. No kindly f**k off, and let me enjoy my Dunhill Light, thank you for every much.
Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Smoking is a filthy habit, and it’s easy to quit. I can show you. Haven’t you heard of Allen Carr?“
And that’s a wrap, people. Well done everyone, that was a great show.
What was that?
Know of any others I may have missed out on?
Okay then, hit me up in the Comments section, and let’s “engage”. Because it’s all about the “conversation”.
Oakes signing off.
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