January 26, 2012
As We Slow Things Down A Bit After Yesterday’s Heavy Session.
As many of you will know, I have plenty of little neuroses and quirks. These include never wearing dark underpants on Wednesdays, always looking under my bed three times before sleeping, and never sitting down on any paved surface.
Something else I stick to quite religiously, is never greeting anyone first. Ever. Even if it’s my best friend. Even if it’s my brother and he has somehow become blind. Nope. Not going to happen.
Now, some people may say that this stems from some deep rooted insecurity and irrational fear that the other person won’t reciprocate my greeting, and I will look like a huge wally who has just greeted thin air.
Some may even say that this stems from a couple of cringe-worthy incidents in my younger days when I greeted the attractive blonde with big boobs in English class and she just walked past me, without acknowledging my presence, and she did it in front of EVERYBODY and they all saw and pointed and laughed at me. “Ooooh, burn.” they hissed cruelly as my ego tumbled down the stairs and hit it’s head on the tiled and unforgiving floor below.
To those people, I merely point to my finely sculpted buttocks and say “kiss it”.
This has nothing to do with any of those (alleged) incidents. Greeting first is merely a sign of weakness and subservience. It’s like the other person then has control over you and can choose to crush your spirit in the proceeding few seconds by just staring at you blankly as if to say “who are you, exactly?”.
Huh? Am I right?
Sure, it’s hard sticking to these principles, and sometimes it means acting slightly strange(r). I remember on one occasion seeing a girl I really liked and who I desperately hoped would one day stroke my muscular thighs – pre The Girlfriend obviously. I saw her at the store and I really wanted to greet her but of course I didn’t so just kept walking around in her line of sight until she saw me then acted surprised when she greeted me.
So much like how a shark circles a surfer on Muizenberg beach, if you ever see me out and about, chances are I have probably seen you first, and was merely standing in your line of sight pretending to be oblivious so that you would greet me first.
Don’t try and fight it. Just accept it.
Oakes signing off.
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