And The World Gasps In Awe.

I Googled 2012, and this photo of me winning a Bookmark showed up. Random.

I’m sitting in the lounge in my underpants right now, studiously stroking my inner thighs. I do this whenever I am deep in thought, and right now, I am contemplating what the next 12 months will hold for me.

Feeling in good spirits – as tends to happen when you stroke your inner thighs – I have decided to share with all of you, my plans for 2012. In fact, let’s not call them plans but rather “resolutions”. So here goes:

1. Stop smoking (sorry mom) – Last year I started smoking again, as I thought it would make me seem cool and edgy. Smoking did in fact make me seem cool and edgy, but it also made me look older. ( nightclub doorman stopped asking me for my ID, which is frankly unacceptable) Apparently smoking is bad for you when you are pregnant and has also been known to give you weak erections, so I’ve decided to give the whole nicotine thing a miss, as I would like to fall pregnant one day, and weak erections have never agreed with me.
2. Stop solving crime at night – Last year I got myself a cape and a rubber mask, and started solving crimes during the evenings, usually on Thursdays, as The Girlfriend goes to Salsa classes on Thursdays. Solving crime was productive, but the hours are long, and it made me really tired during the day, so I’ve decided to pack it in this year, and leave it to someone else. Email me if you want a cape. I’m keeping the rubber mask though. For sentimental reasons of course. Not because of some weird fetish The Girlfriend might have. Obviously.
3. Blog more – I keep saying I’m going to blog more, and then I usually break off into a sprint for a couple of weeks, before quickly running out of steam, like a 16 year old boy feeling his first pair of decent boobs. This year I’m going to take another crack at it. Blogging. Not feeling up boobs. I can do that whenever I feel like it. Anyhoo, let’s see how far I get this time. With the blogging. Not the boobs. Stay with me here.

So that’s three pretty solid resolutions to keep. Let’s chat tomorrow, and see if I have anything interesting to say.

Oakes signing off.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.