Decides To Get Leopard Spots On His Back.

Shaun with weird shit all over his back.

So last week Thursday I had some time to kill, and decided to draw up a bucket list of things I wanted to do before I die. This included various wishes, which included skydiving, climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, and developing the ability to levitate things with my mind. I also had some other more outlandish ones, such as going to the Moon, and having consensual but rigorous sexual relations with the reality star Kim Kardashian – which The Girlfriend is completely fine with, as I have given her permission to have consensual but rigorous sexual relations with the American actor Mark Ruffalo should the opportunity present itself.

One of the more random items on my list involved going for a cupping massage, which I’ve always been curious about.

Now, I’ve always thought of “cupping” as the act of “catching” your fart in your hand and “throwing” it in the direction of an enemy or loved one, but cupping also refers to an ancient Chinese technique that involves taking hot cups containing a flammable fluid which you then light up, and then have it attached to your back by a grim-looking Chinese woman, with the heat causing a vacuum effect, turning them into little suction cups on your back.

They are meant to suck out all the toxins in your body through your back, and seeing as how I’ve been frequently told what a toxic person I am, I thought this would be great.

I had imagined that this would feel like little love bites on my back, and would be quite pleasurable, but it didn’t really pan out that way. It feels warm obviously, not pleasurable, but not unpleasant either. It just felt a bit tight and constricted, like I had 20 tiny dwarf hands gently pinching my back.

The grim-looking Chinese woman kept all the cups on for about 20-25 minutes, and the most pleasurable or satisfying thing about it is at the end when she pulled off the cups and it made this weird popping sound, like a champagne cork that has just been popped.

I clearly had lots of toxins that needed to be removed though, as my back is now full of these weird marks you can see in the photograph above. On that note, I’ve actually Photoshopped the picture to make myself seem more “normal” as if you really saw what I looked like without a shirt on you would all get resentful and deflated at the sight of my magnificent physique.

Magnificent physique or not, my back does look pretty angry right now, and made me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit when I first saw it, but it isn’t painful at all. I think it will start fading away soon (I hope) as I am fond of just ripping off my shirt at various public places and this is obviously not an option for me right now.

So yeah, that was cupping in a nutshell, I don’t feel any different now that I’ve done it, but I’m glad I did, as I would have otherwise begun obsessing about it, which is what I’ve now started to do with Kim Kardashian. I’ll let you know how that particular bucket list item goes.

Oakes signing off.

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.

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