New Year’s Resolutions 2013

So unlike many of you, I’ve been back at work since last week already. In many ways, the first day back at the office feels eerily similar to attending a Parlotones concert ie: you’d much rather be somewhere else, and you have the nagging fear that all your friends are having way more fun than you. (Other similarities include the fact that there are not too many people around and the ones who ARE there look as if they’ve just dropped their cellphones in toilet water)

The quiet start has however given me some time to reflect on life, and things I should be doing to ensure a happy and prosperous 2013. ( I believe they are called “New Year’s Resolutions”)

Seeing as how I seem to have captured your attention, I thought I would share some of these resolutions with you in bullet point fashion:

1. Stop Kneeing Middle-Aged People In The Groin



Looking happy now, but wait until he gets a knee to the groin.

You know how often you replace one addiction with another? Well, ever since I successfully weened myself off smelling my ring finger on a hot Summer’s day (this addiction having replaced my earlier vice of smoking other people’s Dunhill Lights) I’ve started kneeing people in the groin.

Not just any people though. Middle-aged people, men specifically – although there was that one woman with the facial hair at the gym… Nevertheless, I will strive to stop doing it this year, as it’s considered anti-social and a little unsettling to middle-aged people I have just met.

2. Stop Marking My Territory in Other People’s Toilets



Cute dog doing what Shaun does in other people's toilets.

Whenever I use someone’s bathroom to “powder my nose” (which is girl code for “having a solid pee”) I will make a point of sprinkling a little bit on the floor. Not a lot mind you, just a couple of droplets that you would otherwise never notice.

I look at it as marking my territory. Other people seem to look at it as highly improper and not very cool. Consider last week the last time I would have done this. (If you’re reading this and I was at your house last week, I obviously wasn’t referring to you. I did it somewhere else. Obviously)

3. Take More Photographs Of Random People’s Feet



Random feet of someone who was sleeping.

Everyone should have a hobby, be it salsa, gymming or secretly cutting out magazine clippings of local celebrities and pasting it on the wall of a secret room situated behind a dry wall in your modest yet trendy apartment. I’ve tried salsa, I gym whenever someone puts a gun to my head, and I can’t partake in the third hobby since I don’t have a dry wall. (not anymore…)

What I do have however, is a stirring passion for taking photographs of random people’s feet. Sadly, I don’t get to do enough of this though, due to various legal issues and people complaining to security and policing authorities. Nevertheless, it’s clearly a talent I have and something I will look to further develop this year.

4. Stop Looking Creepy In Photographs



Shaun looking creepy.

This is probably one of the most important resolutions this year. Take a look at the photo above. It’s not even me trying to photobomb. It’s just me looking like a creepy old man with long, greasy hair.

Thankfully, I’m working toward not doing this anymore. (I’ve cut my long, greasy hair – but looking creepy is still a work in progress)

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You will probably hear from me again tomorrow, but in the meantime, say something nice in the comments section below.

Oakes signing off.



Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.

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