It’s Gonna Be A Thing.

Use these acronyms and be as cool and trendy as a young Don Johnson from the 80s.

Last week I finally discovered what “YOLO” meant. For months, I always assumed it was some sort of typo people were making over and over again in Tweets, and obnoxious Facebook Status updates. “I think they clearly meant ‘Lol’,” I would tell myself reassuringly.

“Yes, they clearly meant ‘Lol’ but they have thick sausage fingers so they’ve typed it out as ‘Yolo’. Tut Tut,” I would reassure myself some more.

A few months earlier, I had also discovered what “FOMO” was all about. I eventually had to Google it, to prevent myself looking like a tit, as before that I was resorting to laughing nervously when someone told me they were suffering from it, before then changing the subject before it became obvious I had no idea what they were talking about.

“I know I said I wasn’t doing Rocking the Daisies this year, but I’m getting serious FOMO right now, they would say.” “Hahaha… that’s amusing… so…. I have this weird mole on my balls,” I would quickly retort with, and then we would talk about testicular cancer instead.

With all that in mind, I’ve started using my own little acronyms this year, acronyms which are amazing and clever, acronyms which will no doubt spread like wildfire over the interwebs in the next few weeks. Let’s not forget, I am very influential – I came up with the whole “wearing a slim black tie with a white shirt” vibe, and I was the first person to wear pink as a contemporary fashion colour back in ’03.

It’s thus in your best interests to use the following in conversations this week:

1. OGIN – Only Getting It Now

   When you just realised something you should have picked up earlier.

   Example – I watched Django Unchained last night and thought the movie was lame. But then this morning I was like OGIN, Jamie Foxx was DREAMING in the psychiatric institution the whole time! With that in mind, I now think it’s the greatest movie since forever.

2. FOBAD – Fear of Being A Dick

   When you stop yourself from doing something which will make you look like a dick.

   Example – So I was just about to pee on my friend’s car on Friday night because I thought it would be hilarious, but then I had a FOBAD moment so I just let the air out of his tyres instead.

3. TINAJ – This Is Not A Joke

   When you are saying something which, on the face of it, sounds ludicrous but is actually the truth.

   Example – Look, all I know is one minute I was just having a casual beer at the bar, and the next thing I know, your girlfriend’s boobs were all up in my mouth. TINAJ by the way.

4. SIWAD – Sorry I Was A Dick

   When you don’t stop yourself from being a dick, and you need to apologise.

   Example – Look, all I know is one minute I was just having a casual beer at the bar, and the next thing I know, your girlfriend’s boobs were all up in my mouth. TINAJ by the way. And um…. SIWAD.

Now go forth. And embrace FOBAD.

Oakes signing off.

[disclaimer – I do not have a weird mole in my testicular region, I do have a mole on the side of my stomach though, near my hip bone, but it’s not weird. It’s a pretty normal mole. Also, I was kidding about Django Unchained – it’s not a lame movie, i thought it was pretty good, not Tarantino’s best (I preferred Inglorious Bastards) but it’s entertaining nonetheless. Oh and Jamie Foxx did not dream up the whole thing in a psychiatric institution either. This was just a joke]

Shaun Oakes

This was written by the hulking mass of manliness known as Shaun Oakes. If you enjoyed what he had to say, you owe it to yourself to follow him on Twitter at @shaunoakes. Do it now.

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