July 17, 2008
Things You Didn’t Know You Didn’t Need To Know
I don’t usually do this, but I was running low on material, and so decided to take the opportunity of being tagged to share some random facts about myself today, as I’m quite an elusive and mysterious character - like a wily black panther that lives up on the smoky mountains, and comes down every now and then to kill an obnoxious missionary, who flew down from the colonies to teach the villagers about the word of God and Soduku, which is a really popular game and something everyone should know how to play.
So, in no particular order:
- I have 27 strands of grey hair running down the side of my head, which I have individually named. (All deriving from a southern family related to the actor Patrick Swayze)
- I am fiercely regular, thanks to a strict bran diet, and am usually unreachable by phone from 7:15am to 7:35 am every morning.
- I am a big fan of Woolworths easy peelers, as they are so easy to peel.
- I have abnormally long legs, and cannot reach my toenails, so I pay homeless people to cut them on a weekly basis, thus providing a boost to the economy, whilst ensuring that my nails are always well kempt.
- I have a love affair with Ghost Pops as well as Flings, and eat them religiously, sometimes even inhaing them through my nose, like a trendy drug.
- I have a morbid fear of public speaking, clowns with supernatural powers, as well as the number 47.
- I once ate my entire body weight in Escort red viennas.
- I once puked my entire body weight in Escort red viennas.
So there you have it, just another 8 reasons why I’m such an intriguing persona, like a strange old man you see in the street playing the violin, and who you think about constantly thereafter, even when you’re sleeping with your husband (assuming you’re a woman).
If you’re a man you would probably be thinking about how cool the old guy played the violin, and would then resent your parents for not making you play the instrument when you were younger, forcing you to play hockey or tennis instead. Which you were really crap at, for what it was worth.
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