Another Blast. It's From The Past.

What a talented rhymer I am. As previously mentioned, I managed to find a bucketload of some of my old stories the other day and, since I'm not really very inspired at the moment, having lent my creativity to Steve O to use for a couple of weeks, I thought I would just rehash some of these in the interim.

Most of you would be too young to remember many of these adventures anyway, so it's almost as if they're brand new. So sit back, pour yourself a stiff Jameson - yes, even if you're in the office, it's okay - I'm giving you permission, and enjoy. This was sometime in 2003, during my wild student days, back when I was a young Turk still cutting my teeth:


Shaun: A Young Turk Still Cutting His Teeth

Shaun Oakes And The Great Stellenbosch Adventure

So the other day, I embarked on an adventure. Not just any adventure though, it was a great adventure, the Great Stellenbosch Adventure, which I will now chronicle for you in an amazing flashback sequence.............

Cue Amazing Flashback Sequence.......

21:00
I've just pulled up at The Gupsters place, and am now in the process of cleaning the front of my car. A bird (which must have been the size of a small central African country) had unleashed a load of formidable proportions on my bonnet, and I desperately try and and remove the stubborn stains. Seemingly toxic, I somehow manage to get some in my eyes. As I writhe around in agony, blind and quickly losing feeling in my legs, Steve O has to hose me down with the industrial fire... hose which The Gupster uses to keep his dogs in line. The blast of cold water works and I'm able to walk again, although my vision is still blurry. I should be able to drive though.

21:15
We fetch Lyle H, who seems slightly uneasy when I turn the corner and knock over a homeless man, who had been dancing in the street (as homeless people are prone to do) He's drunk though, and so his injuries are minimal. His face lights up when we offer him some of the open whiskey we've got in the car, and bades us a good journey. We are off.

21:35
Are we going the right way? We don't know. It's very dark and it seems like I've been driving for hours. I check the clock. Oh. Alright then.

21:45
Aah, I've been driving without headlights all this time. Things are much brighter now, and the oncoming cars have stopped flashing me. (I thought they were all being pricks.)

21:50
We finally see the Stellenbosch turnoff, and all four of us suddenly break into song. The Gupster whips out his guitar - I don't recall him bringing it with, or how he managed to fit it in the glove compartment - but there he is, strumming along. Steve O has the voice of an angel, and for the next few minutes we're entranced by his melodic harmonies.

21:57
We arrive in Stellenbosch and proceed to the town centre, where the nightclubs are found. The area is teeming with hot females, females you'd want to take home and watch Dawson's Creek with. Lyle H has started drooling and I have to hand him my lucky hanky for him to wipe himself with. It's clean so he doesn't mind using it, but it's my lucky hanky, and now I feel slightly lost without it, and immediately regret giving it to him.

21:07
We've somehow managed to travel back into time. No I'm kidding, it's just a typo.

22:07
We arrive at a place called Cancune Lounge. The place is filled with pretty girls, and my eyes are literally popping out. Lyle H manages to retrieve them and hands them back to me, but there they go again, bouncing up onto the bar. Crazy.

22:39
There must be something in the water. There seems to be a discernable lack of ugly people around here, besides me, which excites me greatly. Another thing the water has affected though, are people's ability to dance to music beats. I'm not kidding, it's quite mediocre. Steve O and Lyle H totally burned two Stellenboschians (San Diegans) who dared challenge them to a dance-off. They literally burst into flames when they saw Steve O move both his legs and arms at the same time, while simultaneously having a drink, sending a text message on his cellphone, and chatting up a young flossie (floozie).

23:48
It's time for us to move on. The streets of Stellenbosch are filled with revellers. There are about 48 different places to go to. So many choices. "Where to go?" I wonder aloud. Suddenly there is a puff of purple smoke, and a strange old man with a long white beard appears out of nowhere. "You should go to All Stars" he says in a deep sagely voice. "You will find an abundance of girls with loose morals there. What you would refer to as flossies".

A puff of smoke appears again and then he is gone. Amazing... No wait, there he is, walking up the road, asking that guy for spare change. We decide to go to All Stars anyway.

23:53
The wise old man was right. There are in fact an abundance of girls with loose morals around, what we would refer to as flossies. The Gupster and Lyle H have both eyed a particular girl with loose morals. The two give one another the evil eye, and the battle is on. Lyle H puts his youthfulness to good use, giving an energetic dance performance which makes his prey skip a beat. The Gupster, a battle hardened veteran, cannot compete on that level and so plays his trump card, showing her the huge bulge in his wallet. The contest is over and the two go off.

00:50
I'm so upset. I don't seem to dance that well anymore. I need to brush up on my leg moving. The Gupster and Lyle H have both disappeared, and I'm hanging with Steve O, who seems to be getting more attention than I am. I'm going to have to have him killed.

01:23
I'm on the phone putting out a hit on Steve O, when Lyle H and The Gupster find me. The Gupster is soaking wet and get's jumpy at any sudden movements.

We decide to call it a night.

And so the adventure ends.

You can't end an adventure without a powerful ending score though, and so The Gupster whips out the old guitar and we all break into a little sing-a-long again.

The End (Die Einde)

___________________________________________________________

Another day, another great adventure. Life as Shaun Oakes is never dull, let me tell you. Well, okay sometimes it can be, but by and large it's pretty good. I'm feeling so tired now, I don't have anything clever to end this story. I'm just going to go to bed now.

Good night, I love you.

Yes, all of you.

Really, even you, although you should probably stop rubbing yourself when you see me, it's beginning to freak me out.



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