January 22, 2013 | 3 Comments
Just Run Away When You See Them.
For the longest time, I could never get my head around Twitter. Don’t get me wrong, I can see the value from a breaking news point of view, but I didn’t see the reason why EYE (emphasising the word “I”) should be regularly Tweeting.
Lately however, I’m slowly starting find a purpose for being on Twitter (I usually Tweet weird crumbs of thoughts that I’m too lazy to expand into actual blog posts – you should probably follow me here.)
As I’ve spent more and more time on it however, I’ve quickly come to realise that – much like the infamous rose lady who collects donations for Tygerberg Children’s Hospital – there are certain people in this space who should be avoided at all costs. Allow me to elaborate:
The Lurking Retweeter
The Lurking Retweeter is someone who literally spends all day on Twitter, lurking and retweeting. (retweeting means repeating something someone else has posted) Sure, on the face of it, it might not sound that bad, but just imagine someone in the real world who never says a word except to repeat everything you ever say. Pretty annoying, right? Right. They are kind of like the dandruff of the Twitter world – harmless on the face of it, but not something you are particularly happy about. It goes without saying then, that the Lurking Retweeter is someone you wouldn’t want anywhere near you.
Most Likely To Tweet: Rt: Everything you’ve ever tweeted.
The Cryptic Attention Seeker
The Cryptic Attention Seeker is someone Facebook users should also be very well acquainted with. You all know the type. They never post anything longer than six words. In fact, the majority of their posts are a bunch of vague, depressing drivel, designed to make you want to go “Hey, what’s wrong?” or “Awww, it’s going to be alright hun. Thinking of you.” Twitter is not meant to be a therapy session though, and I never care enough to ask what’s wrong. And quite frankly, neither should you.
Most Likely To Tweet: Sigh… So tired of it all…
The Senseless Noise Maker
I remember going to watch a football match at one of those trendy sports bars in Cape Town a few years back. The match was taking place in London, 13,000 kilometres away. That didn’t stop some of the supporters at the sports bar (situated 13,000 kilometres away) to get up and give a standing ovation when the captain was running on the field. Because of course, the captain would no doubt appreciate the gesture and feel the energy, being all of 13,000 kilometres away. That pretty much sums up the Senseless Noise Maker, who will post the most inane tweets about a sporting event – not an observation, or an update on what is going on – but rather, the equivalent of a ridiculous cheer or hooray. Here’s a newsflash Mr Senseless Noise Maker – the team you are cheering on cannot hear you, they are busy playing the game, they don’t have time to check their Twitter accounts. You are not being supportive. You are being stupid. It’s kind of like the time I thought Britney Spears would reply to me after I mailed her a photo of my muscular thighs. The only difference is, I was 12 then. You guys should know better.
Most Likely To Tweet: Go Bafana!
The Pretentious Quoter
The Pretentious Quoter is just that. Pretentious and quotes a lot. They seldom have anything intelligent or clever to say, and thus will resort to posting random quotes from long dead philosophers or musicians who died from drug overdoses in the 70’s. Or poets. They are also fond of using quotes from dead poets. If you ever spot a Tweet that looks as if it’s been lifted from Inspirational-Quotes.com, you are advised to drop what you are doing, and back away very slowly, before clicking on the Unfollow button.
Most Likely To Tweet: “Look beneath yourself to find yourself.” ~ Anonymous
The Random Requester
The Random Requester is an annoying soul who seems to think that Twitter is their personal concierge service or human powered search engine. Either that, or they are celebrities who have been advised by their social media advisor to ask questions to “stimulate online engagement”. So that’s what they do. They ask questions. Plenty of questions. Plenty of insipid, anger inducing questions. Pretty much the most random questions you can think of. Look, asking people on Twitter for help every now and then is perfectly acceptable. When every second tweet is a question though, then your stomach is quickly set on a collision course with my knee.
Most Likely To Tweet: Where can I find a good anal bleacher in Cape Town?
The Hash Man
#Stop #Overusing #Hashtags #You #Great #Big #Fool. Seriously, cut that shit out.
Most Likely To Tweet: So cool. #BestNight #This #App #Rocks
Am I missing any others? Of course I am, I deliberately left some other ones out so you could have a reason to drop me a line in the comments section. (if you’re reading this via email in your Inbox then you should probably go to my website, which is right here)
Oakes signing off.