Because We All Have Way Too Many Randoms We Befriend.

You have a photo of your pet as your Facebook Profile Pic? Yeah... I am just going to go ahead and unfriend you now, thanks.

At last count, I had just over 500 friends on Facebook, which is pretty remarkable, when you consider the fact that I am incredibly anti-social, and would choose rupturing my Achilles tendon over having dinner with 15 other people.

Now, rupturing your Achilles tendon is a pretty painful experience, but I would choose it. Every time. Well, probably 9 times out of 10.

I would choose the dinner on the 10th occasion just to add a bit of variety. Because the only thing I hate more than socialising with other people, is doing the same thing over and over again.

So the 10th time, yeah, it would be dinner with 15 other people. But I wouldn’t enjoy it.

Anyhoo, besides a few close friends, work colleagues, the odd family member and a selection of nemeses (which is the plural of nemesis) the majority of my Facebook friends seem to be a bunch of randoms I don’t know very well.

Besides you obviously, you are clearly the exception. But everyone else is random.

Every quarter, I do a bit of spring cleaning, removing people I have no intention of socialising with in the near future. This usually involves me clicking on the Friends page on Facebook, and then randomly choosing people with offensive Profile Photos. People with their newborn babies or kids saved as their Profile Pics are usually the first to go, as that is the most offensive. Then it’s people who have images of “clever ”random messages like “I Facebooked Your Mom”. Then it’s people who save photos of other people (usually ugly or severely unattractive people) as their Profile Pics.

Something that is ideal for this quarterly Friend culling exercise is this game on the Hunter’s Facebook Page, which randomly displays pics of your Facebook friends, giving you six seconds to guess who it is. Not only is it quite fun and addictive, but it’s also a great way for me to clean up my Friend List.

Don’t recognise this guy? Boom, I’ve just unfriended you.

Does anyone else think of that hip hop song by Eve when you see the title of this game?

And if you’re really good and you know your friends and you somehow rack up a lot of points, you can score a bar fridge as a prize.

The Belgians call this “a Win Win Situation” in Belgian. Which in English, loosely translates to “a Win Win Situation”. Which is exactly the same thing.

Makes you think.

Huh? Don’t get that? Me neither. Just think about it.

Oakes signing off

#FirstWorldProblems.

Not remembering shit.

Look, let me start off by saying that I realise that vagrants and the homeless have been dealt a shitty hand in life, I really do. I can’t even begin to imagine the hardships they must face on a daily basis, all in an effort to simply survive.

Having said that, I just… I just wish they would pay a little more attention to the people who give them money, that’s all.

I regularly hand out a R5 and a kind word to a couple of homeless guys around the Gardens area. On the one or two occasions I don’t have spare change though, I am treated as if I have slept with their mothers, girlfriends and sisters and given them all STDs.

Just the other day, I gave a guy some change at the traffic lights. As I drove off I realised I went the wrong way and so had to double back, ending up at the same pair of traffic lights. The same guy from 2 minutes earlier came up to me and asked me for change, and when I shook my head in puzzlement, he shook his head right back at me. Kind of like a disappointed father who has just received a mediocre school report from his kid.

It made me feel really shitty and I nearly jumped out of my car to explain to him that I had actually given him some change not 5 minutes earlier.

But then the traffic lights changed, and so obviously I had to go.

But yeah, vagrants with bad memories hey.

Not ideal.

Oakes signing off.

Stop It. Stop It. Stop It Right Now.

The 80s. Slowly Being Stalked and Murdered by the Hippo.

I am quite fond of songs from the 80’s. In fact, fond is a severe understatement.

If the 80’s were a woman, I would very likely be trying to feel her up outside her car, after plying her with alcohol earlier in the evening and getting her to talk to me about sex. (this is a seduction technique called “Anchoring” – I read about this in an email I received the other day which also told me I needed penile enlargement)

I’m a huge fan of 80’s pop songs which is why the Hippo insurance adverts really anger me. Hippo is a company that gets you multiple quotes on insurance, which sounds like a pretty useful service, right? Sure, I would probably think it’s great too, were it not for the fact that they INSIST on butchering popular songs from the 80’s in their adverts.

They basically take the tune and chorus and add in their own shitty lyrics about insurance quotes. They started out by brutally maiming “We Built This City on Rock ‘n Roll” by 80’s super group Starship, and now they’ve done it again by bludgeoning “You Spin Me ‘Round” by Dead or Alive. See below.

Now as you know, things very seldom anger me, I’m generally described as quite a chilled out, laid back, slightly effeminate young man. Having said that, I’m convinced that if I were to bump into the Hippo from Hippo Insurance in the street, there is a fair to mild chance that I will end up inserting my foot firmly and authoratively up its bum hole.

I swear if they decide to mess with “Jump” by Van Halen I will completely lose my shit.

I don’t need the Hippo. Especially if he is going to kill my 80s vibe. Seriously, let’s stop doing that now.

Oakes signing off.

Ever.

If you see this book, drop what you are doing and RUN.

I don’t read books. As a rule, the only books I read are the my own collection of short stories and narrative poetry (they are unpublished because it’s so good, your brain would literally explode when you read them, and I would then be charged with murder)

When people ask me what’s the last book I read, or what my favourite book is, I usually have a couple of stock answers. If I’m in the company of hard-core, Woolworth’s and E-TV hating Christians, then my favourite book is obviously the King James Bible.

For everyone else, it’s “American Psycho” by Bret Easton Ellis (I read this book once when I was 4 years old, but I often throw this name out because it makes me sound cool and edgy)

Having said all that, the other day I was reluctantly talked into reading what was described to me as “the most amazing book you will read this year” by both family members and friends. This immediately unsettled me, as I am seldom amazed, especially by a book.

I went ahead and started reading it though, as The Girlfriend had packed away my own volumes of prose, and I needed something to entertain and amuse me. So I began “Shantaram” by the author Gregory David Roberts. It’s about an Australian bank robber and drug addict who escapes from an Australian prison and heads off to India.

It’s portrayed as a vivid, epic adventure but I can honestly say it’s the most boring, dragged out story I have ever read. I have often made ballsy statement like “I would rather stab myself than do xyz” but after spending time with this book, the kitchen carving knife really did start looking pretty appealing. The book itself is about 2000 pages long, and weighs about 15kg, so it’s a lengthy read. I gave it my best shot and got to about 400 pages before giving up. You would think by this point, I would be fairly far into the plot, but no, I still don’t really know where the story is going. The author has an annoying habit of describing everything to the last detail, and writes out long conversations between characters as they talk about philosophical psycho babble that doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the story.

I don’t often write about books, and this isn’t a book review, but I just thought I’d warn you about this, as Shantaram seems to be quite popular for some reason and is being passed around various groups of friends like a 19 year old chick who’s had to much Jagermeister. (I call it the “Emporer’s New Clothes Effect” – everyone is to afraid to speak up and say what a shit book it is)

There are a few people who seem to agree with me though, here with a couple of random Amazon Reviews I found:

So if you are someone who happens to read, and someone mentions this book to you, punch them in the face.

Tell them it was from me.

Oakes signing off.

Well, Now You Can.

A Lumberjack. Updating his Facebook Status.

I often get random press releases about upcoming events or parties, which I usually pay no attention to, as I am completely anti-social. I pretty much hate everyone, with the exception of approximately 27 people, 3 dogs, 1 cat and a Shetland Pony named “Sidney Poitier”. Before you ask, I don’t know why the Shetland Pony is named after a legendary black Hollywood actor, that’s just how he was introduced to me, he has always gone by that name, and it just feels normal now and doesn’t feel ridiculous at all when I greet him and say “Hi Sidney Poitier”, as he contently eats his hay whilst simultaneously taking a shit.

Anyhoo, I received a mail the other day about a Lumberjack Festival happening in Stellenbosch in a couple of weeks, which sounds quite interesting. Women find men with beards very sexy, and I would literally kill someone if it meant I was able to grow a thick, manly beard. Unfortunately I am blessed with a smooth, baby-like face instead. If you know of a way to magically grow a thick face bush, my offer to kill someone still stands. (Has to be someone fairly weak physically though, so I can easily choke them out)

Here is an extract from the email about the event:

There is a bunch of other info, so I suggest you go visit their Facebook Page or email them at lumberjackfest@gmail.com.

Lumberjack Festival Flyer

I’ll see if I can score some free tickets for a couple of you.

Oakes signing off.

Because We’ve All Wondered About This.

The Joker didn't know when to do these things, and look where that got him.

I’ve often been told that I lack certain social skills and am regularly scolded about certain idiosyncrasies I have. “Shaun, why don’t you ever greet people first” or “Shaun, you’re always taking the last piece of cheese” or “Shaun, stop undressing those people with your eyes”.

Something else I often battle with is knowing when to hug, when to shake hands, when to kiss and when to wave. I may be presumptuous, but I’m willing to guess many people suffer the same problem. I’ve often started business meetings on an awkward footing by attempting to kiss or hug prospective clients. It gets even more awkward if they are actually keen on me pulling into them. Friends and family often get annoyed when I give them a royal wave instead of hugging them on their birthdays. Not as annoyed as The Girlfriend gets when I formally shake hands with a vagrant who has just defecated in the park, and now requests a R5 from me.

So I’ve gone and mapped out scenarios appropriate for hugging, shaking hands, kissing, waving etc. Think of it as a Cheat Sheet, helping you ensure you never pull into your wrinkly old uncle at his 70th birthday because you think it’s the appropriate thing to do. (It isn’t)

Right so here goes:

1. When to Hug



This is possibly inappropriate for the office.

It’s appropriate to hug someone when they are a close family member and they have just lost a domestic pet or an expensive electrical appliance. Hugs can also be given out to friends who have been overseas for a period of longer than 6 months. There are different kinds of hugs one can give. There is the Standard Hug, which involves wrapping both your arms around the recipient for a period of 1.5 seconds. (Lingering any longer than that is considered creepy and anti-social)

There is also the Manly Hug carried out by drunk heterosexual males which involves a hand shake followed by an affectionate but firm double tap with your non-shaking hand on the recipient’s back. (ie: You shake with your right hand, pull in and manly hug with your left) NB: You DO NOT double tap them on the small of their back though, it’s more their shoulder blade. The Manly Hug is appropriate if they have given you permission to sleep with their ex or sister. Sometimes it’s even used when you just happen to see them at Tiger Tiger or Deco Dance.

It is not appropriate to Hug: co-workers, drinking buddies, shop assistants, people standing in the queue at the bank, people in wheelchairs, the aged and people with smelly armpits.

2. When to Shake Hands



Let's shake on this.

Shaking hands is the standard, traditional way of greeting people. You usually shake hands at business meetings, or when you have just been introduced to someone. When you shake hands, it’s important to find a balance between a firm, confident grip, and a limp-wristed weak one. Too firm and confident, and you risk hurting the recipient’s hand and have them immediately resent you. Have a grip that’s too weak though, and they will instantly lose respect for you.

Shaking hands is a non-intimate form of greeting, so it’s very seldom that you shake hands with a friend or family member. The only time this is applicable, is when you are making an irrational and immature bet with a friend (you shake on it to seal the deal) or if you’re shaking your Father-In-Law’s hand as he has officially given you permission to sleep with his daughter on a regular basis (this usually takes place at a ceremony known as a “Wedding”)

It is not appropriate to Shake Hands with: your lover, you immediate family, people with no hands, vagrants, someone who has just been to the toilet and not washed their hands, Joseph Kony.

3. When to Kiss



Inappropriate?

Some people are big fans of kissing as a greeting. Me, not so much. Kissing on the cheek seems to be a popular form of greeting these days. It’s usually appropriate amongst friends who have just arrived at a social gathering. SOMETIMES, it’s acceptable to give a kiss on the cheek to a girl you have just met. (Guys never kiss other guys as a greeting, unless they are wanting to sleep with them later that night)

Other than that, it’s never really appropriate to kiss someone other than your lover, unless you are a disciple wanting to sell out your Messiah to the Romans. Historically though, that tends to not turn out very well.

It is not appropriate to Kiss: co-workers, the aged, people with bad skin, people with bad breathe, someone helping you at the clothing store, strippers, any female besides your lover (this applies to tongue kisses), other guys (unless that is your thing), people who suffer from Philemaphobia (a fear of kissing)

4. When to Wave



Completely fine with a wave.

I don’t care what anyone else says, I enjoy a good wave. It’s impersonal yet polite, and hardly ever ends up being awkward, unless the other person is being full of shit. (“Don’t wave at me, come on over here and give your old aunty a kiss on the lips”)

It is not appropriate to Wave: It’s NEVER not appropriate to wave. If you’re not sure what to do, always go with the wave.

And there you go. Agree? Disagree?

Hit me up in the comments below.

Oakes signing off.

Monday Tip Of The Day

The worst thing you can do after ordering pizza. The worst.

What’s the worse thing you can do when you’ve ordered pizza, and you have the place all to yourself? Why, start watching a pornographic movie of course.

Because you quickly lose track of time and before you know it, there is a knock on your door.

“Shit, firstly that was too quick, and secondly, how did he get through the security gate?” you wonder aloud in a blind panic.

“Hi it’s [brand name removed, but it rhymes with "Mr Delivery"],” he says and then, frighteningly and more than a little presumptuously, he knocks and then OPENS the f**king door.

Luckily you’ve got some pants on, but you’re also sporting a healthy tent pole, so the guy walks in and finds you bent over with your knuckles dragging on the ground, like one of those missing-link type creatures in those pics where they show how apes evolved into men.

Kind of like this guy.

Still in that pose, you hand over the money, careful not to make eye contact.

Not that it matters though, because you quickly realise that in your haste to restore your dignity, you’ve gone and left the sound on of the little production you were watching. This of course leads to the delivery guy scoring a R100 tip to forget this ever happened.

OBVIOUSLY, this is all hypothetical of course, but has anyone ever experienced anything remotely similar?

Anyone?

This is normal, right?

Oakes signing off.

For All The Dudes.

Chick Flicks. Flicks. For Chicks.

So today sees us two weeks away from Valentine’s Day, and it’s time you get your bum in gear. Sure, you can go to a romantic restaurant, or enjoy a romantic activity together, but think how packed everywhere will be. No, this year, why not stay in and create a romantic memory at home? Staying at home is cheaper, more comfortable and statistically speaking, you are 95% more likely to have sexual relations with your partner. (48% of the time)

So let’s all stay in this year, and do the whole indoor romantic picnic vibe. There will be snacks, wine, a blanket, some Marvin Gaye in the background, followed by a romantic chick flick that will get her pulse racing. I’ve made it really easy for you, and did some research on the best chick flicks that will guarantee you have a happy Valentine’s Day. (ie: she will have sex with you) So the snacks, wine and Marvin Gaye you can sort out. I’ve sorted out chick flick movies, 10 of them to be exact, which you can choose from below:

• The Note Book



The Notebook. Ryan Gosling. Rachel McAdams. Gold.

Plot: A poor and passionate young man falls in love with a rich young woman and gives her a sense of freedom. They soon are separated by their social differences.

Stars: Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams, two random old people.

Why This Will Make Her Want You: Every chick I have ever met loves The Notebook. Seriously. Every single one. Try this right now -- find the first female you see and ask her “What’s your favourite romantic movie?“. 9 times out of 10, she will instinctively say “The Notebook“. If there is any hesitation on her part and she doesn’t answer immediately, say “The Notebook?” and watch as she says “Oh yeah, The Notebook, that’s my favourite romantic movie. I really want to have sex now.”

This movie is as pretty much a sure thing as you will ever have. Sure, it can be a bit of a strain for you to watch, but the reward at the end of it will be worth the 123 minutes you will need to sit through.

Trailer:

Buy this movie today. (and get laid)