Painfully Long And Incredibly Boring.

Kramer From Seinfeld Looks On As The Muslim Guy Gets A Beatdown

I normally make a point not to watch Oscar winning films. I remember watching “Million Dollar Baby” a couple of years back, the multi-award winning film which was so boring I ended up drowning my goldfish Lawrence, which wasn’t a bad thing in the end because I later found out he had been spreading horrible rumours about me behind my back.

So it was with slight trepidation that I ended up watching “Babel” which had been critically acclaimed. It also starred Brad Pitt so it couldn’t be that bad, right?

Well, as soon as The Girlfriend and I left the theatre afterwards, I attacked her with the fatal Five-Point-Palm Exploding Heart Technique. She had chosen this awful movie and by God she was going to pay. She saw the attack coming though, and expertly blocked my attempts to make her heart stop beating. Then she stomped on my foot with one of her iron-tipped boots, instantly winning the battle and crushing my favourite middle toe at the same time.

I’m not exaggerating though, Babel is an absolute shocker.

It was dreadfully long, incredibly drawn out, and ever so slightly pretentious and full of itself. The basic plot? Let’s see - there’s a little Muslim kid who jerks off to his sister, he shoots Cate Blanchett, who is pissed off at Brad Pitt for looking really old and haggard (four kids does that to you Brad. Guess you’re regretting dumping Jennifer now, huh?) Meanwhile some old Mexican woman is running around the desert with two annoying white kids, while a deaf Japanese chick is running around Tokyo desperately trying to get laid.

That’s really the gist of it. Somehow all their stories are interconnected but in the end you honestly don’t really give a f**k. This film is right up there with the “English Patient” and “Million Dollar Baby” as undeservedly acclaimed movies. I wasn’t expecting gratuitous nudity, excessive violence or toilet humour (although Cate does piss in her pants) but the film could at least have been mildly interesting.

This film is a bit like eating at the Dros, you see all the adverts and you think it’s great and you’ll go “bos”, but once you take a bite of one of their steaks, you realise that their food actually sucks.