Cape Town's Favourite Son | Shaun Oakes » Arb Stuff

10 Chick Flicks That Will Make Her Want You This Valentine’s Day

Shaun Oakes — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 22:16:50 +0000

For All The Dudes.

Chick Flicks. Flicks. For Chicks.

So today sees us two weeks away from Valentine’s Day, and it’s time you get your bum in gear. Sure, you can go to a romantic restaurant, or enjoy a romantic activity together, but think how packed everywhere will be. No, this year, why not stay in and create a romantic memory at home? Staying at home is cheaper, more comfortable and statistically speaking, you are 95% more likely to have sexual relations with your partner. (48% of the time)

So let’s all stay in this year, and do the whole indoor romantic picnic vibe. There will be snacks, wine, a blanket, some Marvin Gaye in the background, followed by a romantic chick flick that will get her pulse racing. I’ve made it really easy for you, and did some research on the best chick flicks that will guarantee you have a happy Valentine’s Day. (ie: she will have sex with you) So the snacks, wine and Marvin Gaye you can sort out. I’ve sorted out chick flick movies, 10 of them to be exact, which you can choose from below:

The Note Book

The Notebook. Ryan Gosling. Rachel McAdams. Gold.

Plot: A poor and passionate young man falls in love with a rich young woman and gives her a sense of freedom. They soon are separated by their social differences.

Stars: Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams, two random old people.

Why This Will Make Her Want You: Every chick I have ever met loves The Notebook. Seriously. Every single one. Try this right now -- find the first female you see and ask her “What’s your favourite romantic movie?“. 9 times out of 10, she will instinctively say “The Notebook“. If there is any hesitation on her part and she doesn’t answer immediately, say “The Notebook?” and watch as she says “Oh yeah, The Notebook, that’s my favourite romantic movie. I really want to have sex now.”

This movie is as pretty much a sure thing as you will ever have. Sure, it can be a bit of a strain for you to watch, but the reward at the end of it will be worth the 123 minutes you will need to sit through.

Trailer:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3G3fILPQAU

Buy this movie today. (and get laid)

I

Shaun Oakes — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:10:06 +0000

Where “<3" Means "Love".

Shaun - Getting intimate with Brackenfell.

So with the whole Beluga restaurant fallout from last week, there seemed to have been a perception formed that I don’t dig ~~Brackenveld~~ Brackenfell, a Northern suburb situated in the Northern suburbs of Cape Town.

I got a lot of flack from some residents who threw a lot of beer in my face, as they felt offended by me, and thought I didn’t respect their vibe.

This was obviously not my intention though, so, like a US Republican presidential candidate who has been accused by his former ex-wife of having an affair whilst still married to her, I thought I’d quickly take this opportunity to nip that perception in the bud.

I popped in there over the weekend, chatted to some of the locals, and shared some reasons why I dig the vibe of “the Bracks”, which I’ve displayed below.

You can all go through them too. If you agree, feel free to “Tweet” them using a program I discovered the other day called “Twitter”. It’s probably going to take off pretty soon, so best you all get on it. Anyhoo, here with interesting facts about Brackenfell:

Cool, that’s that then. Hopefully, this spells the end of my face meeting beer. It’s bad for my complexion.

And the train moves on.

Chooka chooka chooka chooka chooka chooka.

That was my train impression.

Oakes signing off.

A Guide To Recognising Your Smokers

Shaun Oakes — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 22:15:55 +0000

Get Familiar.

A Guide to Recognising Your Smokers.

So it’s been nearly a month now since I’ve stopped smoking, and this of course now gives me the right to talk about the types of smokers out there, types of smokers that we are all familiar with and see on a daily basis.

Types of smokers that you will read about, and find yourself nodding your head slowly saying, “Yeah… that’s right, Sally IS a bit of a Social Loafer. Jeepers, I hate that chick.”

So sit back, clear your throat, and read this simple guide to recognising your smokers.

The 20 Packer

If these people were cigarettes, they would be smoked up in one day.

The 20 Packer is your typical smoker, who will go through, funnily enough, about 20 smokes a day. Sometimes less, sometimes more, but on average over the course of a month, yeah – about 20 a day. The 20 Packers all smoke for various reasons – some of them do it to socialise with other smokers outside, some will hit 20 because they like the taste and it makes them seem cooler, whilst others merely smoke to calm themselves down and avoid completely losing their shit.

There was also a guy I knew who smoked because he hated kids, and he read somewhere that smoking would make him infertile. So yeah, every 20 Packer has their reasons, no matter how nonsensical some of these reasons may seem. The 20 Packer is generally a fiercely proud smoker, and will openly challenge anyone who questions them on it, especially when they are just about to go out for a smoke.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Yes, I’m a smoker. What? … I should quit? … F**k you, I like smoking. Get out of my way.“

The Social Smoker

Someone who enjoys doing this. But who also smokes.

The Social Smoker thinks he/she is slightly better than your typical 20 Packer. They are often very quick to distance themselves from other smokers. You may not often see them puffing away during the day, but, like a vampire or an accountant who secretly cross dresses, they tend to come out with a flourish at night. (especially the cross-dressing accountant)

Give the Social Smoker a couple of drinks. Take a step back, and then watch as all bets are off and they smoke away like champions.

Just don’t call them smokers though. Because they are clearly not.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Me? No, I’m not really a smoker. I only smoke when I have a drink.“

The Celebration Smoker

Yes! Time for a smoke, I think.

The Celebration Smoker is the elitist relative of the Social Smoker. You won’t see them smoking on the office balcony. You won’t see them smoking at the office party either. The Celebration Smoker is very selective with their smoking habits, and will only whip out the cigarettes on very special occasions.

This doesn’t includes things like birthdays or Christmas, oh no, but rather incredibly rare events that will very seldomly occur again.

Just became a dad? Boom, let’s have a smoke and celebrate.

Got your old boss’ job? Let’s whip out some fags, captain.

Just had your first threesome? Let’s light that shit up.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “I’ve just had sex with [insert celebrity name here]. I think it’s time for a smoke.“

The Social Loafer

Social Loafers are the worst.

If the Celebration Smoker is the elitist relative to the Social Smoker, than the Social Loafer is the annoying cousin in the family. You know, the one who you try and avoid at family gatherings because they make you uncomfortable and keep trying to ask you for money. The Social Loafer doesn’t really smoke during the day, but comes alive at night with a few drinks.

Then, they will need a steady supply of nicotine sticks and will regularly hit you up for smokes during the night. On many occasions – due to the amount of alcohol consumed – they will even stop asking and will just help themselves to your hard-earned cigarettes. For this reason, the Social Loafer is generally quite resented by smokers.

Exceptions to this rule would be if the Social Loafer is a dear friend (some leeway is granted here), or they are physically attractive, and allowing them access to your cigarettes thus increases the likelihood of you nakedly rubbing yourself up against them later.

Otherwise, no dice.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “I’m just grabbing one of your smokes. [helps themselves]“

The Heavy Loafer

Correction. Heavy Loafers are. The worst.

The Heavy Loafer is basically a 20 Packer who doesn’t buy their own cigarettes. They live off other smokers, and will often end up smoking more in a day than smokers who are buying their own f**king packs.

For this reason, they are considered to be massive, massive arseholes and should be avoided at all costs.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Hey, can I bum a smoke?“

The Preacher

I used to smoke. Now I'm BETTER than you.

The Preacher is generally an ex-smoker who now insists on telling all the world how they managed to quit, whilst making pithy statements and passing judgement on the same smokers that the Preacher was happily puffing away with just 3 months earlier.

Smokers generally despise the Preacher, as he/she is a massive dick who doesn’t see the hypocrisy in what they are saying. I mean, if it was such a filthy habit, why were you doing it for 15 years? Exactly. No kindly f**k off, and let me enjoy my Dunhill Light, thank you for every much.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Smoking is a filthy habit, and it’s easy to quit. I can show you. Haven’t you heard of Allen Carr?“

And that’s a wrap, people. Well done everyone, that was a great show.

Hey?

What was that?

Know of any others I may have missed out on?

Okay then, hit me up in the Comments section, and let’s “engage”. Because it’s all about the “conversation”.

Oakes signing off.

Greeting First Is A Sign Of Weakness

Shaun Oakes — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 22:15:40 +0000

As We Slow Things Down A Bit After Yesterday’s Heavy Session.

Weakness - It Looks A Lot Like Justin Bieber.

As many of you will know, I have plenty of little neuroses and quirks. These include never wearing dark underpants on Wednesdays, always looking under my bed three times before sleeping, and never sitting down on any paved surface.

Something else I stick to quite religiously, is never greeting anyone first. Ever. Even if it’s my best friend. Even if it’s my brother and he has somehow become blind. Nope. Not going to happen.

Now, some people may say that this stems from some deep rooted insecurity and irrational fear that the other person won’t reciprocate my greeting, and I will look like a huge wally who has just greeted thin air.

Some may even say that this stems from a couple of cringe-worthy incidents in my younger days when I greeted the attractive blonde with big boobs in English class and she just walked past me, without acknowledging my presence, and she did it in front of EVERYBODY and they all saw and pointed and laughed at me. “Ooooh, burn.” they hissed cruelly as my ego tumbled down the stairs and hit it’s head on the tiled and unforgiving floor below.

To those people, I merely point to my finely sculpted buttocks and say “kiss it”.

This has nothing to do with any of those (alleged) incidents. Greeting first is merely a sign of weakness and subservience. It’s like the other person then has control over you and can choose to crush your spirit in the proceeding few seconds by just staring at you blankly as if to say “who are you, exactly?”.

Huh? Am I right?

Sure, it’s hard sticking to these principles, and sometimes it means acting slightly strange(r). I remember on one occasion seeing a girl I really liked and who I desperately hoped would one day stroke my muscular thighs – pre The Girlfriend obviously. I saw her at the store and I really wanted to greet her but of course I didn’t so just kept walking around in her line of sight until she saw me then acted surprised when she greeted me.

So much like how a shark circles a surfer on Muizenberg beach, if you ever see me out and about, chances are I have probably seen you first, and was merely standing in your line of sight pretending to be oblivious so that you would greet me first.

Don’t try and fight it. Just accept it.

Oakes signing off.

Oscar Kotze Bans Shaun From Beluga

Shaun Oakes — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 22:20:20 +0000

Beluga Restaurant Owner Can’t Seem To Take Constructive Criticism.

Shaun Oakes. Banned.

So a few weeks back, The Girlfriend and I decided to celebrate Thursday and head off to Beluga in Greenpoint, to smash our faces with cocktails and sushi (which they are famous for). Now, I’ve written about Beluga before, we’ve been there quite a few times, and we generally have a good time. On this occasion we didn’t though, so get a comfortable chair and read why.

Right, so upon being seated, we were greeted by our waiter, who greeted us warmly and everything seemed great.

Things quickly went downhill from there however. Kind of like a B-grade slasher horror movie where the opening scenes shows everyone happy and getting on and by the end of the film, everyone is dead except the dark-haired chick with the haunted past? Yeah, that’s kind of how things went.

Upon ordering food and drink, we started picking up a “bit of a vibe” from him, as he openly started questioning the round of drinks we ordered. “Oh, you can drink but you can’t eat,” he said at one point, which annoyed me, as I don’t appreciated my drinking habits being put in the spotlight. (we had had one drink at that point) Eventually we asked him what he thought we had ordered to eat, and it turns out, he had taken our order down as a “bean curd” instead of a “green plate”.

Ha ha okay, honest mistake. Let’s laugh it off and move on then. Instead though, he (perhaps in a failed attempt at humour) kept carrying on about the drinks, and at this point asked for the 3rd/4th time whether The Girlfriend was sure she wanted what she ordered (a Cosmo and a prawn hand roll). The Girlfriend, who by this time was getting annoyed, pointed out that to her knowledge, the waiter wasn’t her father (I was pretty sure of this as well), and requested that he stop questioning her. The waiter, who I can only assume was still clinging on to a humour card even as he must have sensed the train wreck this conversation was turning into, then asked if she “wanted a hug”.

Now, this was a pretty ballsy thing for a waiter to say to a patron, attempt at humour or not. The Girlfriend replied with (and pay attention, because this bit will be important further down the line “What the f**k, you’re our waiter, you need to jack up. I want to speak to the manager.”

He seemed taken aback that we weren’t playing along with him, but then regained his composure and replied with a snooty “with pleasure” and disappeared. Feeling uncomfortable, we then asked someone walking passed our table to grab the manager, and explained the whole thing to him. We requested a new waiter, as things had obviously deteriorated between us. The manager, having listened to the story, apologised and said that the waiter was one of the best at Beluga, and that it was likely an attempt at humour that didn’t work well. He then offered to comp our meal. Fine, we were happy with that explanation.

The Girlfriend still felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave – but I have a rule about accepting free food – so we accepted his offer, had our meal, and then left.

Here Is Where It Gets Interesting

The next day The Girlfriend – who knows the owner, Oscar Kotze – sent him an email explaining what went down, and wanting him to be aware of how certain behaviour from staff can be misconstrued and be turned into a bit of a drama. Here with the email below (I’ve blanked out names):

The Girlfriend Wrote:
From: The Girlfriend
To: Oscar Kotze
Subject: harassing waiter

Hello Oscar

I hope you, **** and **** are doing well.

I just wanted to bring to your attention an incident that happened to Shaun and I last night whilst dining at Beluga. Upon misunderstanding our order (prawn hand rolls, the Green plate, a cosmo and beer) our waiter started making snarky comments to us about what he had thought we ordered (a bean curd soup and prawn hand roll). He continued to harass us when ordering my second cocktail that “I can drink but I can’t eat”… We picked up the hostility and asked him what exactly he thought we had ordered, after we cleared up the ordering fiasco he enquired “Is that all you’re going to eat?”… When I asked why he feels the need to talk to me like my father and pointed out that he has no right speaking to patrons like that, he offered to give me a hug… flabbergasted I requested to speak to the manager, he arrogantly said he would be happy to get the manager for me. In a see-how-far-that-is-going-to-get-you tone.

****** was called and handled the situation by assuring us our waiter would be changed and our bill would be taken care of. He also mentioned that this guy is in fact a really good waiter and that it could be his humour. A lovely, efficient waitress named ** continued to serve us but by then unfortunately our ideas for a lovely night at Beluga were already diminished.

What I would like to point out, Oscar, is that both Shaun and I are bloggers/writers, having good friends who are the top bloggers in Cape Town. Shaun works at the biggest internet marketing company. My connection and the respect I have for you and the hard work and passion I know you put into the Caviar Group I reassure you I would never make a public stink out of your restaurants. I just would like you to be aware that something like this did happen and hopefully you could put a stop to something like this happening in the future. And if this is indeed the waiter’s sense of humour, maybe it will go down well at some pub in Brackenveld but educated young professionals in Seapoint go out to have a pleasant experience.

Regards,
The Girlfriend

Oscar Kotze Wrote:
From:Oscar Kotze
To: The Girlfriend
Subject: Re: harassing waiter

Ok, so here goes:

The fact that you swore at my waiter **** is completely unacceptable – I have convinced him to lay a criminal case against you, and the company will back him all the way – its the year 2011 and no one has the right to speak to people the way you did – even your mail below is degrading and condescending

>From my side, I am sorry that I was not here, I would have chased you out of my restaurant if I was

As to your personality, lack of manners and general attitude to life I will refrain from commenting – the fact that you even have the audacity to contact me and threaten me after what you did – seriously, wow, what a joke

This will be the last communication that you will receive from me – I have asked ***** to provide me with your ID number so that we can use that for the criminal case

Obviously I never want you to come close to any of my businesses ever again – and if your friends condone the way to deal with people, and you convince them not to come to my restaurants, well then that will also be ok

Thanks

The Girlfriend Wrote:
From: The Girlfriend
To: Oscar Kotze
Subject: Re: harassing waiter

Hi Oscar

I have waitressed since I was 14, I think waitressing/service industry is the most difficult industry to be in. I make it a point to always be aware of the stresses they go through and treat them with respect down to eye contact.

I did not swear at your waiter. Shaun and I will both vouch for it and seeing that there was no one else around from Beluga’s side you don’t have a case. Why then was I given an apology and my bill totally paid for, why didn’t ***** “chase” me out. It is unprofessional and you are using brute tactics to scare me.

You are not quite getting what I am trying to say, you are firing guns to a very decent mail pointing out an incident that happened at your establishment and from your response I can see where your waiter gets his rude, abusive conduct from… chased me out, why don’t you just threaten to punch me??? In 2011 you are damn right that people should treat people with respect… that is exactly what I was bringing to your attention, are we just saying that cause not feeling it by your response. I didn’t even want an apology, I wanted to be constructive because you have a good establishment. And no loss to me not being welcome at your restaurant with that service I might as well have lunch at Pallsmoor prison to be treated like that.

Oh and “this will be the last communication that you will receive from me” LOL :)

Were We Out Of Line Here, Or Oscar Kotze?

So that’s where we are then. The owner of Beluga and Sevruga, Oscar Kotze has banned us from his establishments, (in fact, he is sorry that he missed us, as he would have thrown us out himself). Now help me out here, I will gladly admit to being a dick and in the the wrong, but I feel like we were quite reasonable in this instance?

Not sure about you, but I want to be entertained at a restaurant I will go to Madame Zingara. I don’t really care for my waiters to joke around and be “buddy buddy” with me. I certainly don’t care for my waiters offering to give my girlfriend a hug. I want my waiters to help guide my culinary choices and bring me my food, that is all.

As for the swearing allegation, we never told the waiter to “f**k off”, we said “what the f**k”, a bit strong using the F-Bomb perhaps, but he needed to toe the line.

As the restaurant owner though, is this the way you deal with patrons who say things you don’t like? Ban them and threaten to chase them away? Maybe I’m being biased, but I thought The Girlfriend’s email was pretty reasonable. Granted, some of the things she said made her sound quite pretentious a bit of a tit, but she was emotional at the time, so I am willing to forgive her. Oscar Kotze’s response was completely over the top though. This doesn’t feel right to me, he has a massively popular little spot in Cape Town, but he seems to have a really shitty way of dealing with people.

So you’ve read all the facts, the question today, is Shaun Oakes a dick patron, or is Oscar Kotze being a massive bully here? (and yes, I am writing in the 3rd person for dramatic effect)

Discuss.

Oakes signing off.

UPDATE FROM THE GIRLFRIEND

So The Girlfriend offended a few people with her comments in her earlier email (which made her sound like a bit of a tit). She responds below:

In the first email I am sorry for the education comment and the shit spelling, I did explain myself really poorly, what I meant was I wasn’t at a place that doesn’t brand themselves as this “you’ve arrived, be beautiful” trendy image in a trendy part of Cape Town where those go to be seen. I could have said a pub in Newlands or Rondebosch but I am highlighting the word pub, not a restaurant which is branding is all about fine dining. The comment about writers/bloggers is that as a waiter you can’t assume what the young couple in front of you do and chance a situation where the waiter is ruining a potential review or pissing off some ego-centric writer. No threats, it was the truth.

The reason why I wrote an email to Oscar is that I don’t want free stuff, I don’t want an apology… Give me those two hours of unwinding and quality time instead of putting up with SA’s standard of shit service. And then to defend it and threaten more leads us to this blog post. Maybe my mails were a bit harsh, but if Oscar had the balls to threaten and to lay a criminal charge against me then surely he could have told me that my comments were unnecessary and I would have realised and apologised…

So again, sorry for the earlier comments.

THE FINAL WORD

Right, so I think it’s time to draw a line in the sand now. Thanks for all the comments, criticism, feedback and blatant insults, it’s all been quite exciting.

I think the general consensus is that there were no winners in this one.

We clearly came across as douche bags with our initial email, and Beluga response made them come across as douche bags as well (Douche behaviour all around then)

I’m happy to admit that we could have handled it better, and hopefully Oscar feels the same way.

Apologies if you were offended, and hopefully you won’t throw beer in my face if you see me.

If you were entertained, hopefully you will buy me a beer next time you see me.

If you were bored, well, hopefully you will STILL buy me a beer next time you see me.

Time for lunch?

7 Strange Addictions of Shaun Oakes

Shaun Oakes — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 22:10:28 +0000

Which Is Still 98% Better Than Having A Coke Habit.

It’s Tuesday, and if you were in Ireland, it would be Saint Flanaghan’s day, the patron saint of Pointless Information Sharing. In that spirit, I thought it only fitting to discuss some of the addictions which have plagued my life for several years, and share them with you in a point by point format. Here with Seven(ish) strange addictions which have afflicted me.

Addiction 1: Orbit Chewing Gum

Orbit Chewing Gum - A Firm Favourite Of Shaun

Quite possibly the greatest oral hygiene product ever made, Orbit Chewing Gum has been an intimate part of my life for many years now. I must have literally gone through hundreds of these packs – especially the special “Whitening” one, which makes my teeth literally glow in the dark. This chewing gum is so awesome, I sometimes don’t even bother brushing my teeth. Has anyone ever noticed? Exactly.

Addiction 2: Smelling My Ring Finger

Billy Elliot - Sneakily smelling his ring finger whilst pretending to smoke.

This seems vaguely familiar… have I mentioned it before? Oh look, indeed I have. It’s one of the most addictive odours known to man, and is something I regularly partake in. I usually make a fist – put my ring finger up to my nose – and then slowly nod my head up and down, whilst at the same time faintly murmuring to myself, as if deep in thought. The reality however, is that I am not deep in thought. I am just taking a giant whiff of my ring finger. And damn it, it smells good.

Addiction 3: Befriending people called “Kurt”

Kurt Darren - Not a friend of Shaun. Sadly.

I don’t often befriend people. (I actually hate other people, and in the past have had no hesitation in punching someone in the throat when I’ve sensed a social invitation forming on their lips.) When I HAVE befriended people however, 95% of the time, their name tends to be “Kurt”. Can’t explain it, but at last count, I know 17 Kurts, 15 of whom are huge wallies. The other two are okay though..

Addiction 4: Muesli

Muesli. Best thing ever.

Pretty simple one. To all the naysayers and cynics, Muesli is proof that there is a higher power watching over us, giving us the most noble gift of uncooked rolled oats, fruit and nuts. Perfect for breakfast. Or any other meal, for that matter.

Addiction 5: Lying In My Blog Titles

Jim Carrey In Liar Liar. Or Yes Man. Or Ace Ventura. One of those movies.

I said I was going to talk about 7, but in reality there is only 5ish. I enjoy a good lie. And I think I’ve said enough. I’m off to have some muesli now.

Feel free to drop me a line below. I may respond. I may not. You never know with me. I’m just a maverick that way.

Oakes signing off.

Awkward Phone Text Conversations I’ve Had

Shaun Oakes — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 22:20:00 +0000

Not Your Usual Auto Correct Fails.

Cell Phones: The Tools for Awkward Text Conversations.

It’s Monday the 9th January 2012. Speaking of cellphones, I thought I’d share with you some awkward phone text conversations I’ve had over the last couple of years.

I blame it all on getting a Smart Phone (The HTC Desire) as it’s made mobile texting so simple. I also blame the fact that on many occasions when I’m mobile texting, I’m stupendously hammered and oblivious to common sense. Here with a few recent clangers I’ve been involved in.

The Bad Karma Text Message

Hmmm... Awkward.

Bad mouthing someone to a friend is bad karma. Bad mouthing someone over text messaging is badder (badder?) karma. Bad mouthing someone over text messaging, and then accidentally texting the person you were bad mouthing, is karma bending you over, and having her way with you. (she is wearing a stylish and elegant looking strap-on). The hairs on the back of my neck literally stood on end when I realised what I did, and I pulled my sex face, which was weird because I wasn’t naked, and it lasted longer than the usual 2 minutes. It was just very, very awkward, especially when I went back in to get another beer.

The Lesson To Be Learnt – Make sure you are not texting the person you are slagging off, when you are slagging off a person.

The Lady Luck Hates You Text

Oooooh, shit just got real.

This has nothing to do with karma. This is just pure bad luck. Ripping off a friend and calling him a F**knut is perfectly acceptable. Granted, suggesting that he is pleasuring himself whilst thinking of his mother is perhaps pushing the envelope a bit, but the friendship is strong enough to break through new frontiers of bad taste. The fact that his mom just happened to have his phone at the time though? Well, what can you say? To this day, it’s not something ever discussed, and I’ve taken the liberty of blanking out the names for obvious reasons.

The Lesson To Be Learnt – Don’t ever send funny but incestouous texts to someone, in case their mom sees it.

The Shitty Invitation Text

You are not getting a Christmas card now,

Now I’m not saying I hate dinner parties, but if dinner parties somehow morphed into a cute, spectacle-wearing little 8 year old boy, I would have no hesitation in punching the kid in the f**king throat. Nevertheless, I do have the occasion soiree to appease The Girlfriend. Sometimes though, the sending of invitations can go awry, as was the case above. Yes, it was badly organised on my part, and yes, they had a 40 minute journey to get to us, but we’ve never been invited to any of THEIR parties since though, which is more than a little childish.

The Lesson To Be Learnt – Make sure you are inviting the right people, when you send out an invitation text message.

So there you go, pretty awkward vibes coming out of this post, but I’m glad I shared it with you. Also, it’s much better than all those Auto Correct posts floating around. Like a drug-filled orgy, if you have anything to share, please feel free to send my way. (through the comment section below)

Oakes signing off.

One Night At A Bar In Cape Town

Shaun Oakes — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 10:51:03 +0000

Remember This For Next Time.

Just a random bar.

Old High School Friend: Hey Shaun Oakes.
Shaun Oakes: Hey You.
[Platonic kisses on the cheek]
Old High School Friend: How long has it been?
Shaun Oakes: Geez, like forever.
Old High School Friend: I know! Crazy, hey?
Shaun Oakes: You’re telling me. So wow, congrats. When did this all happen?
Old High School Friend: When did what all happen?
Shaun Oakes: All of this. [motions at her in a circular motion with his index finger]
Old High School Friend: All of what?
Shaun Oakes: The little bun in the oven.
[Shaun gently but authoritatively prods her stomach, realising too late that his hand is prodding a fat tummy, not a pregnant tummy]
Old High School Friend: …
Shaun Oakes: …
[Awkward silence]
Shaun Oakes: I’m sorry, I thought you were preg-
Old High School Friend: F*ck, you’re an arsehole.
Shaun Oakes: And the worse thing is I actually SAW the beer in your hand as well. I thought you were just being irresponsible.
Old High School Friend: Jesus Christ…
[Old High School Friend leaves. Shaun tries to remove foot from mouth.]

Oakes signing off.

5 Shitty Albums Hiding In My Lounge Right Now

Shaun Oakes — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 20:16:23 +0000

What Was I Thinking?

Shitty Albums Owned By Shaun

It’s Wednesday evening and I am sorting through my vast collection of illegally downloaded MP3 songs I’ve accumulated over the years. (If you’re reading this and are part of some sort of law enforcement agency, I am obviously joking. I definitely purchased all the MP3 songs legally. Through iTunes.)

Anyhoo, the reason I have so many MP3 songs is because I have a rather suspect and promiscuous taste in music. From Nine Inch Nails, to New Kids on the Block – I have had it all.

This has also seen me now owning some really shitty albums, albums which are currently residing at the bottom of my music cabinet, albums which I will now share with you, in no particular order.

Inner Circle – Bad to the Bone

Inner Circle - A Bit Rapey.

I have had this album since I was 10 years old. I’m not quite sure why I had an album by “The Bad Boys of Reggae” as a 10 year old, but hey, I was clearly a pretty adventurous tween. Inner Circle look like a pretty scary bunch of chaps, and not people I’d want to tangle with in a shank fight in Pollsmoor Prison (I’d want them on my side, shanking the other guys)

The album is fairly ordinary, with the famous track being the “Sweat Sweat Song”, which I used to belt out every day for many years. Until it was pointed out to me how “rapey” the song actually was.

“Girl, I want to make you sweat, sweat till you can’t sweat no more… and if you cry out, I’m going to push it… push it, push it some more.” That’s the actual lyrics. So yeah… I don’t really belt that song out much anymore…

Kriss Kross – Totally Krossed Out

Kriss Kross - Got Shaun Beaten Up.

This is an interesting one, because I’m actually not THAT shy about owning this album. Well, I was for a little bit, but now not so much, because they have become ironically cool again, like David Hasselhoff or that old guy from Rescue 911.

Kriss Kross were pretty f**king exceptional back in the early 90’s, and they had two massive hits which people still jam to today at weddings and parties in an ironic manner. (“Warm it Up, Kriss” and “Jump”) They were also pretty ground breaking in their fashion sense – they wore their pants and shirts back to front. I mean, come on, that’s pretty unheard of.

Although it worked for them, it didn’t really work for me, as I remember getting the shit methodically kicked out of me on the playground. Because I was wearing my pants and shirt back to front, and it looked weird.

Melanie B – Hot

Melanie B - Kept In A Sock Drawer.

I honestly have no idea why I have this album. No f**king clue. In fact, I’m fairly sceptical that this is even mine. The Girlfriend denies owning this, but I cannot think of any reason why I would have paid for this CD. I had a quick play through the album, and the genre of pop and very-soft-rock can best be described as “shit” with a side-order of “more shit”.

I seriously hope I never actually spent any money on this, as it would make me quite bitter and I probably won’t be able to sleep tonight.

Having said that though, the artwork on the CD is pretty easy on the eye, and I may just slip out the album cover and keep it in my sock drawer for a quieter moment.

Ricky Martin – Self Titled

Ricky Martin - It is not gay to own this album.

I know what you’re thinking, but it was perfectly acceptable to own this CD back in 1999. Ricky Martin was “Livin’ la Vida Loca” with the most beautiful women in the world (didn’t he bang Christina Aguilera?), and every straight man had a copy of this album.

So that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. It’s a solid album, and to be perfectly honest, I’m slightly loathe to label this under “shitty.”

Because it really isn’t.

Britney Spears – …Baby, One More Time

Britney Spears - Shaun So Would.

Listening to this album again gave me some goose-bumps, and yes, admittedly a bit of a semi as well. I’m not sure if it’s weird that a man now in his 20’s should get aroused by an album made by a then 16 year old, but today she is older than me so I think it’s okay. Right?

To be fair, the album itself is pretty shitty, and only really had one decent song to it (the title track where she is in her naughty school girl outfit) but it was strong enough to make me part with my R99 back in 1999 ( I think)

I actually have loads more shitty albums where that came from, but this was starting to get a little “wordy” so I think I will stop at five. If you have any shitty albums you own, hit me up in the comments section below, and maybe we can become pen pals. No, not really. But hit me up anyway, as it’s good for blog posts to have comments.

Oakes signing off.

Shaun Oakes Shares His 2012 Resolutions

Shaun Oakes — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 20:41:20 +0000

And The World Gasps In Awe.

I Googled 2012, and this photo of me winning a Bookmark showed up. Random.

I’m sitting in the lounge in my underpants right now, studiously stroking my inner thighs. I do this whenever I am deep in thought, and right now, I am contemplating what the next 12 months will hold for me.

Feeling in good spirits – as tends to happen when you stroke your inner thighs – I have decided to share with all of you, my plans for 2012. In fact, let’s not call them plans but rather “resolutions”. So here goes:

Stop smoking (sorry mom) – Last year I started smoking again, as I thought it would make me seem cool and edgy. Smoking did in fact make me seem cool and edgy, but it also made me look older. ( nightclub doorman stopped asking me for my ID, which is frankly unacceptable) Apparently smoking is bad for you when you are pregnant and has also been known to give you weak erections, so I’ve decided to give the whole nicotine thing a miss, as I would like to fall pregnant one day, and weak erections have never agreed with me.
Stop solving crime at night – Last year I got myself a cape and a rubber mask, and started solving crimes during the evenings, usually on Thursdays, as The Girlfriend goes to Salsa classes on Thursdays. Solving crime was productive, but the hours are long, and it made me really tired during the day, so I’ve decided to pack it in this year, and leave it to someone else. Email me if you want a cape. I’m keeping the rubber mask though. For sentimental reasons of course. Not because of some weird fetish The Girlfriend might have. Obviously.
Blog more – I keep saying I’m going to blog more, and then I usually break off into a sprint for a couple of weeks, before quickly running out of steam, like a 16 year old boy feeling his first pair of decent boobs. This year I’m going to take another crack at it. Blogging. Not feeling up boobs. I can do that whenever I feel like it. Anyhoo, let’s see how far I get this time. With the blogging. Not the boobs. Stay with me here.

So that’s three pretty solid resolutions to keep. Let’s chat tomorrow, and see if I have anything interesting to say.

Oakes signing off.

Follow Me On Twitter

Shaun Oakes — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 22:26:38 +0000

It Will Make You Better In Bed. Not Really.

Stacie Orrico. One of Shaun's Followers on Twitter.

It’s Monday evening, and I’m feeling particularly lazy right now. Rather than spending time writing something breathtakingly original, I thought I would plug myself and talk about Twitter instead. It’s my dream to have 100,000 Twitter followers by next Friday.

Currently I have about 12. Ish.

I am really funny and witty though, so it’s probably in your best interests to “follow” me. If you’re still unsure, allow me to share some additional reasons why.

Here with some recent Tweets, to give you an idea of how entertaining I can be.

People who use the phrase “Love you lots like Jelly Tots” will get the shit kicked out of them today.

Greeting someone first is a sure fire sign of weakness. Always greet last. Always.

Everytime you unsubscribe from my blog, a little ginger kid get’s left outside in the rain.

Not to be funny, but scooters are not meant to be driven by fat people. #ThereISaidIt

Some people just need a High Five. In the face. With a chair.

Just smashed through a huge packet of Ghost Pops. My thighs are going to thank me for that one.

#DontYouJustHateItWhen … you are wearing shorts and airy boxers, and you don’t shake off properly after peeing.

So I’ve decided to stop smoking today. Apparently it’s bad for you when you’re breastfeeding.

And that’s just a small portion from the last few days. Can you imagine how glorious it would be to Follow Shaun Oakes on Twitter? You can’t, because it’s so staggeringly brilliant, your brain would literally explode at the mere thought of it. I don’t want your brain to explode (it’s not really in my best interests) so just click here to follow me now.

Follow Shaun Oakes on Twitter. You will love yourself in the morning.

That is all.

Boom. Shaun just turned this into a blog post.

Oakes signing off.

I’m Sorry I Got Out Of Hand This Weekend

Shaun Oakes — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 22:40:22 +0000

As Shaun Makes An Acknowledgement

Nothing to do with this blog post, but I dig Ryan Gosling's vibe.

So Saturday arrived at my doorstep like an unwanted bastard child – well, not unwanted, we just weren’t expecting it so quickly – it just came knocking on our door whilst we were sprawled on the lounge floor, wondering where the day was going, and why there was a dead wildebeest in the kitchen.

Why was there a dead wildbeest in the kitchen? F**k knows. But there it was, lying there looking all dead and shit, and stinking up the kitchen.

Maybe this was why we were a little out of sync this weekend. Anyhoo, no excuses, so here goes:

The Guy Who Asked Us For Money Outside – Turns out I DID have change in my pocket. Sorry for lying to you. Hopefully you managed to find taxi fare to make it home to Stellenbosch. Although I am still skeptical about your story, hence me lying about not having change in my pocket. But as I said, I still feel apologetic about the whole thing, so this is me saying sorry to you.
The Guy On The Dance Floor – Sorry for calling your mother a whore, I don’t know her, so can’t really back up that statement. In mitigation for my statement, you DID bump into me whilst I was dancing to Bruce Spingsteen’s “Dancing in the Dark”, stopping me in mid flow, which is pretty criminal, as I was in the middle of a very complex spin and twirl. As I said though, bygones, and kudos to you for actually hearing my insulting slur despite the loud and heavy music. Thanks for not punching me in the face as well.
The Girl With The Leopard Print Tights – Sorry for pretending not to know you, it’s just… well… you kind of let yourself go since I last saw you. (to be fair). I admit it was slightly dickish on my part to look bemused when you came up to me, but I promise, next time I will admit to knowing you when I bump into you again. Again, sorry about that.
The Patrons At Barcello’s on Sunday Morning – All I wanted was some Very Peri sauce, and they couldn’t give it to me. It made me very emotional. Sorry for the inconvenience I may have caused.

Okay, apologies all out of the way. Let’s do the whole best-friends-who-just-slept-together vibe, and pretend that everything is normal again. Chat to you all tomorrow? Same time?

Cool, see you then.

Oakes signing off.

You Love Me Lots Like Jelly Tots?

Shaun Oakes — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 22:23:09 +0000

Here, Have A Punch In The Stomach.

Right. You and me. Outside. Now.

Whenever I hear the phrase “Love you lots like Jelly Tots”, I get really angry and begin harboring violent thoughts toward whoever just said it.

I guess it’s a bit like what the Incredible Hulk goes through when he becomes… well… the Incredible Hulk. I can just about stomach it if a 12 year old girl says it to her friend (I’ll let it slide because she is a 12 year old girl, and doesn’t know any better. Also, society would frown upon me if I then proceeded to punch a 12 year old girl in the stomach) but when an adult says it?

No, sorry, that shit isn’t going to happen on my watch.

I was at a social dinner the other night, where a birthday card was quickly and silently passed around, allowing us to scribble down last minute birthday wishes. I received the card, and was about to write down my usual “I think you’re okay. Shaun Oakes.“, when I noticed something in the left hand corner of the card. “What the f**k is this, then?” I enquired politely to the twenty nine year old man sitting next to me. He had already annoyed me earlier with his constant questioning during our starters, and I hate constant questioning during starters. Or after starters for that matter.

“My handwriting is a bit tardy sometimes,” he began, “It says, ‘love you lots like jelly-oorgh!’”. He didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence, as my right fist firmly and authoritively connected with his solar plexus, releasing all the air out of his body like a balloon that’s been unknotted and released, making a farting sound as it sails across the room.

“What’s going on?” demanded the hostess, who seemed concerned at the act of aggression being shown at her dinner party. “Have a look at this,” I said gravely, and handed her the card.

“Jesus Christ, Mark,” she hissed in a disappointed tone at Mr 21 Questions, “what are we, 12 years old? Did you think you were being cute? I’m 31, you can’t write shit like that on my card. It’s just embarrassing.”

So there you go then. Let’s all remember that we are adults now, and we don’t write or say shit that a 12 year old would think twice about. No “BFFs”, no “LOLs”, and none of this “Jelly Tot” bullshit.

Right, on that note I have some work to get to now. Let’s chat about something more cheerful tomorrow.

Oakes signing off.

7 Things You Should Never Do At A Dinner Party

Shaun Oakes — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 22:24:21 +0000

Rules To Live By

This picture currently doesn't make sense. But it will later as you read further down.

It’s Monday evening, and The Girlfriend and I have just completed another successful dinner party with guests. We kept the conversation and entertainment light and flowing, making sure to steer well clear of politics, religion as well as the fact that I was wearing a scandalously cheeky pair of shorts. (all my other shorts and pants were in the laundry, and smelled of wet blanket, after The Girlfriend threw my wet underpants in the basket – they were wet because I wash them when I shower, it’s something poor people used to do when they only had one pair of underpants to wear in the week, and it is a strange habit I have developed over the years)

Anyhoo, I am going off on a very wide tangent, the reason we had a successful dinner party is due to us – as well as our guests – cleverly adhering to the following guidelines, which we will now look at in bullet point format.

Basically there are 7 important things to remember, when throwing or attending a dinner party:

DO NOT talk about Jesus.

Either in a negative or positive light. You don’t want to anger your religious friends by telling a dirty joke about the Messiah do you? Then again, you also don’t want to antagonise your aetheist friends by talking about being saved. Rather just give Jesus a miss in this instance. I don’t think he will mind.

DO NOT arrive late.

Because this isn’t a house party, where you can arrive 45 minutes late to a hero’s welcome, and a cold beer. No, this is a dinner party, where arriving 45 minutes late leaves you with cold potato bake and a dirty stare from the hostess. No one likes eating cold potato bake, so rather cancel that long wank in the shower you had planned beforehand, and make sure you arrive on time.

DO NOT rock up to the dinner completely hammered.

Because this isn’t a house party, where you can arrive completely hammered to a hero’s welcome, and another cold beer. No, this is a dinner party, where arriving shitfaced means you barely appreciate the gnocchi so painstakingly prepared by the hostess, although you will certainly notice her deathly stare. No one likes getting a deathly stare from the hostess, it just kills the vibe and makes the other guests resent you. Put the glass of whiskey down, and rock up to the dinner party in a respectable state.

DO NOT vent about Julius Malema.

Yes, he is a bit of a tool, but we all know that already, so we don’t really need you to tell us that you think he is a bit of a tool. It’s a bit like complaining about the wind on a windy day. Yes, we get it. Unless you have anything else to add to that? No? You don’t? Alright, then rather shut your mouth and pass the cauliflower. It has more depth and substance than you clearly have.

NEVER FORGET to compliment the hostess on the food.

She hasn’t ordered some KFC for all of you has she? No, of course not. She has spent hours slaving away in the kitchen in order to receive plaudits and kudos from all of you. So you better give it to her, or this will be the last dinner party where you get to sink your teeth into her cranberry sauced pork slices. And let’s face it, we do love our cranberry sauced pork.

DO NOT talk about Jacob Zuma. OR Helen Zille for that matter.

For every person that hates Jacob Zuma, there is another that loves him. Ditto for Helen Zille. As with religion, rather leave the politics at the door, and enjoy the good food, wine and company of the dinner party. See that hot chick sitting on the couch with the tight blouse and the heaving bosom? She is a flaming liberal who has soft spots for both JZ and Godzille, so best you keep your cynical views to yourself, or destroy any chance you have of feeling her up in your car later.

NEVER PEE on the hostess’ bathroom floor.

That goes without saying. If you’re going to pee, make sure you aim correctly and get it all in the bowl. Sure, there is a time and a place for leaving a bit of dribble on the bathroom floor (if it’s your good mate’s place and you’re doing it for a laugh, or if you are trying to mark your territory at a pretty girl’s house). If you however, you are NOT being territorial, then peeing on her bathroom floor is just a really bad idea.

Okay, that seems like a pretty solid list. If you have any additional points to add, feel free to drop me a line in the comments section.

Oakes signing off.

How Fridays Have Changed For Me Over The Years

Shaun Oakes — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 22:16:23 +0000

Not So Rock n Roll Anymore.

Shaun: Getting Ready For Another Night On The Town. Not Really.

Friday nights used to be a pretty big deal for me. Friday evenings would be spent prepping for the night ahead, and would involve shaving; cleansing, moisturising and toning; doing up my hair, checking that I was wearing decent underpants, and lastly throwing on some after shave on both my neck, as well as my groin region.

I’d wear a tight, figure hugging t-shirt to advertise the gun show, fairly tight (but always flared) jeans to show off my delicious smelling package, and smart but comfortable shoes, which would enable me to glide across the dance floor with all the grace and panache of a f**king gazelle.

I’d call up the crew and we’d get some pre-drinks in us, which essentially involved drinking beer, before we really began drinking beer. We would then hit about 4-5 spots in the night, get completely shit-faced, hook up with lot of randoms (this was the pre The Girlfriend years) and just have a raucous time of it.

If I was in bed by 2am, then it was considered a pretty tame night, and I would be justifiably ridiculed the next day for having the disposition of an old woman.

These days however, things have radically changed, and my Friday nights are now a whole new kettle of fish.

These days, a perfect Friday would involve the following:

Large portion of reasonably unhealthy fast food.
A decent selection of watchable television series. (I have just finished The Apprentice UK Season 7)
A medium to fine chance of getting some action from The Girlfriend.

And that’s it really. A night in bed, eating takeout, watching series, and feeling up The Girlfriend is what really gets me excited these days. Just typing it is getting me all emotional (the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up, and I’m sporting a bit of a semi right now)

I guess this is what growing up is all about then?

Discuss.

Oakes signing off.

Hey Top Billing, Look Over Here

Shaun Oakes — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 22:10:11 +0000

It’s Shaun Oakes the Television Host.

I was planning on writing something amazing today, but to be honest, Thursday was a pretty boring day. I literally have nothing to tell you people. I briefly thought about rehashing an old adventure from my past, to show you what an exciting and glamorous life I lead, but I sort of lost interest halfway through writing it (it was a fairly interesting story though, and involved a former Miss South Africa, a current national athlete, and the American actor Ethan Hawke)

Instead though, I will post a video I did a few months back, but never really talked about. It’s a little travel piece where I’m the host, and it’s quite possibly the greatest video you will ever see today.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdwdNtI_fnk

Click here to view it on YouTube if it doesn’t load correctly.

I remember when we did this, I had a mild case of food poisoning, and I broke out a little, but I managed to pull through like a champion, as I always do. My agent tells me Top Billing are apparently keen on me, but they haven’t called me yet. Which is odd.

There must be something wrong with my phone.

Obviously.

Oakes signing off.

Three El Cheapo Things To Do In Cape Town This Week

Shaun Oakes — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 22:15:50 +0000

They Literally Won’t Cost You A Cent.

Concerned Shaun - You want me to pay HOW much?

Those of you who know me will of course be quite familiar with the fact that I hate spending money. I get a deep pain in my chest and a tightness in my loins whenever I have to open up my wallet and part with cash. In fact, just typing that last line has given me a bit of indigestion, together with some mild discomfort in my groin region.

Now, being a twenty something man-about-town who enjoys a bit of adventure, this lifestyle choice can sometimes be tricky, but over the years I have come up with a number of creative activities and things to do in this – admittedly shitty and cloudy right now – city of ours. With more than a week to go before payday, and money being too tight to mention, let’s take a look at a few activities to do in Cape Town:

Going to the Beach

Now sure, I actually hate the beach, but there is no reason that YOU should hate it. I’m a fairly open-minded man, and I understand that some people DO enjoy sitting in the sand under the baking sun. Chilling on the beach also allows you the opportunity to enjoy the breathtaking eye candy that Cape Town offers. And guess what? Going to the beach is completely free and you can stay there for as long as you want. Just make sure you’ve wiped all the sand off before you decide to climb into my car.

That shit is not going to fly.

Check out a list of Cape Town beaches with maps over here.

Going Up Table Mountain

“Huh? But Shaun,” I hear you cry out desperately. “Going up Table Mountain is not free surely?”.

“Of course it is,” I retort confidently. “You just need to prove it’s your birthday”. And that’s true. The Table Mountain cableway company will give you a free ride if you show up with your ID, thus proving that it’s your birthday. If you are planning on going up more than once a year, feel free to drop me a line. I might know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy. Who knows a guy. Who might know a guy. Who knows a guy. Who might be able to sort you out with another ID. Maybe.

I’m just saying.

Table Mountain Cableway info over here.

Walk on the Promenade

It’s in Seapoint, and chicks seem to dig doing this. You can walk along the Promenade, chill on the benches whilst watching the waves break ten feet away, do a little heavy petting on the green lawns under a palm tree – what’s not to like about the Promenade?

Nothing, that’s what. The Promenade is awesome. There are cute dogs in novelty outfits for chicks to coo over, and hot chicks in tight spandex for you to coo over. It’s what I call a “win win situation”. And it’s free.

And just like that, Thursday doesn’t seem so bad anymore. Not after receiving these three gems from Shaun. Yes, he is speaking in the 3rd person right now. And he is loving it.

Oakes signing off.

I Run Like A T-Rex

Shaun Oakes — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 22:20:49 +0000

Yes, An Extinct Dinosaur.

Shaun - Casually Running On The Seapoint Promenade.

Whenever I run, people laugh at me. It’s not because of the mustard spandex pants I wear, or the biting jokes I make as I sprint up Orange Street in Gardens. I don’t really make biting jokes. I don’t have the energy or breath to make any jokes, least of all biting ones. After all, I’m sprinting up Orange Street in Gardens.

No, I think people laugh at me because I run like a T-Rex. I’m not sure when or why I began running like a T-Rex. But I’ve seen videos of myself running, and yes, I do in fact run like a T-Rex.

And it’s not as if I have short arms like the fearsome but now extinct Tyrannosaurus Rex either. No, I have long, gangly arms, like an orangutan (I constantly battle to find suits) so it baffles me that I run in this manner.

While we’re on this subject, I also walk on my toes. Like a pigeon.

Can’t really explain that either.

I will take solace in the fact that I’m ridiculously good looking though. But ya, it does irk me a little that I run and walk a little bit like the chick from Married…With Children. (and no, I’m not talking about the hot one either)

Oakes signing off.

Don’t Overplay The Nod and Smile

Shaun Oakes — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 22:25:57 +0000

Sometimes Things Get Messy.

Bruce Lee INVENTED the Nod and Smile.

I’m a big fan of the Nod and Smile. Last week, I worked out that I used the Nod and Smile approximately 173 times, 186 times if I add in the Nod and Smile greetings I handed out. But I’m not going to add those, because they are not pure Nod and Smiles.

Pure Nod and Smile are used when you are listening to someone say something which has little interest to you (on most occasions they are attempting to say something humorous). I usually augment my Nod and Smiles with a casual shrug of the shoulders as if to say “Meh, what can you do?” (Disclaimer: If you are reading this and you know me, and realise that I have given you the Nod and Smile in the past, rest assured that you were the exception to the rule. I was obviously listening to you. Really, I was.)

The Nod and Smile gets me out of plenty of awkward situations when I am bored and disinterested, or when I find someone’s attempt at humour to be lame and weak. (I am too transparent to fake laugh – I can’t pull it off – my fake laugh sounds forced and slightly condescending, so I do the Nod and Smile instead)

Sometimes it can get me into trouble though, especially when I completely blank out and have no idea what they have been saying to me. Doing a Nod and Smile in these instances can be a bit of a gamble, but I like to chance my arm every now and then, so I usually go for it regardless.

Last week though, it backfired in spectacular fashion.

I was dressed in a suit, meeting a bunch of people also dressed in suits, where we spoke about business (I call this a “meeting about business” or a “business meeting”).There I was, deep in thought, studiously drawing pics of fake boobs and winkies on my notepad, when I realised that one of the suits seemed to be addressing me directly. Seeing that she had a broad smile on her face, I naturally assumed she was making a humorous comment, and so retorted with a Nod and Smile.

She replied with a bemused expression, which quickly made me realise that I had overplayed my hand. “Did… did you just give me a Nod and Smile now?” she asked gravely.

“I did,” I replied meekly. “But in my defence, this meeting has been going on for a while now, and it seemed to me as if you were attempting to be humorous. Based on that, I felt that I could safely pull off a Nod and Smile.” (It was later pointed out to me that she was NOT being humorous, and was actually asking me a question about budgets)

So let that be a lesson to all of you. The Nod and Smile is a useful tool to use when someone is trying to be funny, or telling you something that you are not really interested in. Sometimes though, the Nod and Smile can let you down badly, and can make you look like an actual tool instead.

So be warned.

Use it sparingly. Or risk looking like a first class tit.

Oakes signing off.

Getting the Consumer Protection Act to Work for Me

Shaun Oakes — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 22:20:11 +0000

Because I Don’t Want No Creme Brulee.

Creme Brulee - Hate It. Don't Want It.

I was at a restaurant in Hout Bay on Saturday. What was I doing there? Eating, of course. I was enjoying their special, which consisted of a main course, a bottle of red wine and a free dessert. I smashed through the main course and the bottle of red wine, but when the time came to have my free dessert, I was told in no uncertain terms, that I could only have the Creme Brulee.

Now I don’t know about you, but I f**king HATE Creme Brulee. I hate the taste, I hate the texture, I even hate the name. (The pronunciation causes a saliva build up at the back of my throat. Say it out loud three times if you don’t believe me, and see for yourself)

In short, I found the very thought of having Creme Brulee thrust upon me deeply offensive, especially when there was Lemon Tarts on the dessert menu. (I f**king LOVE Lemon Tarts).

So I politely cleared my throat and swallowed the excess saliva built up by me saying “Creme Brulee” out loud three times, and called over the waitress.

“Excuse me,” I whispered in a sultry tone, “your menu failed to mention anywhere that the free dessert had to be Creme Brulee. The Consumer Protection Act which took effect in April 2011 clearly states that any promotion or special has to explicitly spell out the offer in full to the consumer, or they could have grounds to take legal action. By merely stating that the special included ‘free dessert’, the assumption was given to me, the consumer, that I could choose a dessert of my choosing. Therefore, I dismiss your offer of Creme Brulee with the contempt it deserves, and demand a Lemon Tart instead. ”

She looked at me, with a combination of confusion and terror, and told me that she will “see what she can do”.

Five minutes later, I had my Lemon Tart.

Boom.

That’s how you get the Consumer Protection Act to work for you.

Oakes signing off.

Cape Town's Favourite Son | Shaun Oakes » Arb Stuff

10 Chick Flicks That Will Make Her Want You This Valentine’s Day

For All The Dudes.

The Note Book

I

Where “<3" Means "Love".

A Guide To Recognising Your Smokers

Get Familiar.

The 20 Packer

The Social Smoker

The Celebration Smoker

The Social Loafer

The Heavy Loafer

The Preacher

Greeting First Is A Sign Of Weakness

As We Slow Things Down A Bit After Yesterday’s Heavy Session.

Oscar Kotze Bans Shaun From Beluga

Beluga Restaurant Owner Can’t Seem To Take Constructive Criticism.

Here Is Where It Gets Interesting

Were We Out Of Line Here, Or Oscar Kotze?

UPDATE FROM THE GIRLFRIEND

THE FINAL WORD

7 Strange Addictions of Shaun Oakes

Which Is Still 98% Better Than Having A Coke Habit.

Awkward Phone Text Conversations I’ve Had

Not Your Usual Auto Correct Fails.

The Bad Karma Text Message

The Lady Luck Hates You Text

The Shitty Invitation Text

One Night At A Bar In Cape Town

Remember This For Next Time.

5 Shitty Albums Hiding In My Lounge Right Now

What Was I Thinking?

Shaun Oakes Shares His 2012 Resolutions

And The World Gasps In Awe.

Follow Me On Twitter

It Will Make You Better In Bed. Not Really.

I’m Sorry I Got Out Of Hand This Weekend

As Shaun Makes An Acknowledgement

You Love Me Lots Like Jelly Tots?

Here, Have A Punch In The Stomach.

7 Things You Should Never Do At A Dinner Party

Rules To Live By

How Fridays Have Changed For Me Over The Years

Not So Rock n Roll Anymore.

Hey Top Billing, Look Over Here

It’s Shaun Oakes the Television Host.

Three El Cheapo Things To Do In Cape Town This Week

They Literally Won’t Cost You A Cent.

I Run Like A T-Rex

Yes, An Extinct Dinosaur.

Don’t Overplay The Nod and Smile

Sometimes Things Get Messy.

Getting the Consumer Protection Act to Work for Me

Because I Don’t Want No Creme Brulee.