Something To Make Your Loved One Not Hate You.

It’s Valentine’s day on the 14 February, but it’s also the start of the Super 14 Rugby season. Obviously, there comes a time when you need to draw the line and set out your priorities, so I will be at Newlands on Saturday, soaked in beer and rugby gees.

To prevent myself from being de-limbed by The Girlfriend (she is fond of ripping my arm off and beating me with it), the following gift might be appropriate.

Nice letter gently punting the red Apple iPod.

Nice, I like that. To purchase yours safely and conveniently online. Simply click here.

Do it.

She will love you for it.

She might even do that thing.

You know.

That thing you like.

Yeah that, you sick little puppy.

But I’m not judging…

Some Random Advice

So I received a weird phone call the other day from someone producing a dating show on one of our local television channels. For some reason, they guy mistook me for some sort of Dating Svengali, and asked me for any off-beat tips for engaging with the opposite sex. Not skipping a beat, I proceeded to inform him of the “Wrong Number Theorem“, which I will now share with you.

Scenario: You’ve had sexual relations with someone approximately 4 months ago or longer, and haven’t called again since. Time has passed, and you’re now pretty keen to have another go. You’re a bit shy and hesitant to just call up though, and you’re also not sure what the vibe between the two of you might be like. After all, you having your way and then never calling again may have been a pretty shitty thing to do. This is when the “Wrong Number Theorem” comes into play. Simply call them up, and pretend you dialed the wrong number. If you play your cards right, it should play out similarly to the following:

Ex-Lover: Hello?
You: Hi, is that Jess?
Ex-Lover: No… this isn’t Jess.
You: Are you sure?
Ex-Lover: Ja…pretty sure. I’ve been called Jane my entire life. I’d be pretty surprised if my name was actually Jess this whole time.
You: Oh my God, I must have dialed the wrong number, it’s me [Name]. How have you been?
Ex-Lover: Good thanks, no complaints. How have you been?
You: Great thanks, I heard you were engaged or something? Congratulations, who’s the lucky guy?
Ex-Lover: Engaged? No, no I’m not engaged, I don’t even have a boyfriend right now.
You: That’s so weird, I’m sure I heard you were planning on getting married soon.
Ex-Lover: No. Ha ha, not sure where you got that from.
You: Okay, well that’s great then. Maybe we can have a drink sometime this week?
Ex-Lover: Well… my room mate is actually out for the night. Why don’t you come over and we can shag?
You: Sure, not a problem, I’ll be there shortly.

The earliest known example of the wrong number theorem. Everyone was eager to see it play out.

An ethical and charming technique? Negative.
Slightly pathetic yet brutally effective? Affirmative

Just like that, you’re back in there. I’ve been lead to believe that this works for both men and women, so take the proverbial ball, and run with it.

Denied.

My Dick - Apparently Not Acceptable.

Fair enough then.

Good day to you too.

Posts Advert On Gumtree

Seth Rotherham just put up a rather tasty little email exchange, where a Cape Town businessman nonchalantly puts out an advert for a P.A (personal assistant) and requests that, in addition to filing papers and general secretarial duties, the successful applicant should also be willing to basically lick his balls when need be.

Your typical P.A - Helpful and Efficient. Unlikely to want to lick your balls.

Here with an extract of one of the emails in the correspondence:

Nice. Did you read the whole thing? 25k for some office hanky panky with a (probably ugly) boss, I wonder if there are any women out there who would actually go along with that vibe? The advert is still up, you can check it out and send Adrian a message over here. Go on, tell him what a quality guy he is, I’m sure he’ll appreciate it

…Ever.

The dating game is a very strange and complex world. Some people attract the opposite sex through their humour and charm, others through their good looks and material wealth, whilst others get by solely through their ability to dance well to Kate Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl (And I Liked It)”.

Then there are others of course, who use pick up lines to try and score. Contrary to popular belief, pickup lines do not really work that well, unless said in a humorous or ironic manner. Going up to someone and saying “You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy” is unlikely to lead to sex. Ever.

I have seen that line work maybe ONCE before, and that was only because the guy shot the girl in the neck with a tranquilizer dart as he said it. So yes, I think it’s best if we all agree to steer away from chat up lines.

The ones below are probably some of the worst pick up lines you can use, so avoid these like you would avoid a man with no arms who desperately needs someone to unclasp his belt and help him pee. (Seriously, that shit happens)

1) Girl, your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day.

Besides this being very lame, there are several fundamental errors with this particular chat up line. Firstly, you have things ON your mind, things don’t usually run THROUGH it. Also, why would her feet be tired? If she HAD been running all day, she would be sweaty, her legs would be sore, and she would have a bad stitch. She wouldn’t have “tired feet”. “Tired feet” would be the least of her worries. In fact, what the f**k does “tired feet” even mean?

2) You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you’re the Bomb.
Pearl Habour was bombed in 1941. The person you’re using this pick up line on was probably born in the 80’s, possibly the 90’s, if you’re dirty. There is a very good chance that they will not know what you’re talking about. Let’s rather keep that pick up line to ourselves, shall we? Yes, lets.

3) Hi, I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?
May have worked in 1983. Definitely doesn’t work in 2008.

4) Your dad must be a thief, because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes.
Slightly clever, up until it’s brought to your attention that her dad is actually in jail for theft.

5) I want to be on you.
It didn’t work for Ron Burgundy, so why would it work for you?

6) If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
The answer is invariably no.

7) Nice shoes, wanna f**k?
A friend of mine used this line once. Suffice to say, his request was declined.

Your name must be Summer, cause you’re HOT!
A line which may appear cute enough, until it turns out that her name is Summer, resulting in several awkward minutes explaining that this was merely a coincidence and that you’re not a creepy stalker.

9) You know what would look great around you? My arms.
Before it becomes apparent that she much prefers the sight of her boyfriend’s foot wedged squarely up your ass.

10) If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
Followed by a few seconds where she mentally goes through the alphabet, trying to remember where U and I actually go, before deciding that she actually likes them where they are.

Conclusion: There are of course, hundreds of lame pick up lines heard around bars, pubs and vegetable stands every day, but these are just a few of my personal highlights.

What is the lamest pick up line you’ve heard?